Channel Five

What does your local channel five feature? Is there a hidden meaning behind those words individually or collectively? I know that you may be thinking right about now that such questions are just plain silly. I can honestly tell you though that you that you are wrong, silliness has nothing to do with it! Why just a couple of days ago I was once again reminded of its importance, especially because it happens only on our television and only on channel five.

It was a typical early and bright morning: the coffee was started, the cats were fed, and the dog was taken outside. With those activities complete I could then move on to the next ritual of the day. While I always enjoy waking up to sunshine I am not really prepared to begin my day just yet. This feeling does not happen until I wash away the previous day and set up what I hope will be a good day. Yes, it is the ever pleasant morning ritual of showering that begins my day with a refreshing new beginning. But, on that particular day before I could got to the shower it happened (♫da da dm♫), channel five came on featuring the weekday morning show.

I did not turn the television on, I did not even have on a radio on, I was merely enjoying the rare moments of silence. Actually, I was walking up the stairs when it happened and there were no other people in the house. Once again I could hear someone talking and no, it was not my imagination. The television was tuned on, to channel five to be precise, without my presence being anywhere near it. I was not scared though because as strange as it sounds, it is actually quite comforting to me. This is true because, as far as I know, a television does not automatically come on by itself, nor to a specific channel - especially when that channel is not one that is normally viewed by anyone in the household. So, it had to be my Wesley again, he has been doing it sporadically in the past six+ years.

That event is but one in a long chapter of an anomaly known in my family as 'channel five.' It was before he died that channel five, a/k/a HBO, was often on, but it was always on with the airing of "The Sopranos." I too enjoyed watching that show but did not understand the influence it had on others. Now I know why, it was the excitement of the storyline and its characters who were as screwed up emotionally as they were in their actions. Also, I now know, because he connected with those characters who apparently whizzed through life on the outside while simultaneously struggling with addictions on the inside. Pretending as they did, even though they were not real, gave the false impression that all was right in their world, that everything was just fine. However, he must have known that they were only able to do so, as he did, because no one could actually see their emotions, through their own eyes.

I hate that show now; they made their fictitious lives seem so unreal but real in a sickening but glamorous and believable way. Truthfully though what I really despise is the fact that I can now relate to those characters who pretended that nothing was wrong in their lives. Everyone seemingly moved through their days as though all was right with the world, knowing that there would be sunshine and rainbows after a storm. The problems with fictitious television shows and movies are that they only reflect a short period of time about people who never existed. So, there could be no hellos, good mornings or good-byes. Nor was there anyone waiting for someone to return home after a long day just to feel an embrace by a loved one. When fictitious charcters and storylines are over that is it, all said and done.

He understood much more than we did, I think he knew his story would soon end. He even warned me of the possibility, but it sounded much more like 'please pass the bread mom,' not "yes mom I could die and it won't be easy but I am going to try real hard to live." I could not do what I really wanted, to hold him to prevent anything bad from happening, so the fears were placed inside to put up a good front for the outside. Likewise, he, like those fictitious characters, put on his best smile and convinced me that all was fine: "it's all good mom!" As usual, he was sure to say the right words at the right time and seal it with a hug to further melt my heart. He lived up to his pledge on the outside and everyone watched the act unfold. Our fears were alleviated as he showed hope and lived the dream as long as he possibly could. Then, he died.

Love does not die, time just passes by and the memories are frozen in time. Unfortunately, that love, nor the passing of time, nor remembering those frozen moments of the past are enough. In its place is an emptiness that cannot be filled, along with a hurt and anger so deep that you cannot even cry. This is when you crave silence, the kind that only nothingness can bring, the kind where you cannot hear, not even the breathing. Then it happens, just like the snap of your fingers, it comes on and the characters seem to be screaming. He reminds me once again that although he is there he can still put reassurance in my mind by simply turning on the television - to channel five.