Chapstick Addiction: A Real Affliction

People scoff at the idea of an addiction to chapstick. They say, "There's no way someone could be addicted to chapstick like people are addicted to nicotine or alcohol." Well, I'm here to tell you that chapstick addiction is a very real problem. I willingly confess that I am an addict. I have been hung up on the stuff for maybe 15 years or more. I can't remember a time when I didn't have a tube of chapstick in my pocket.

Like a hardcore smoker, first thing I do in the morning is reach for my chapstick and the last thing I do before going to bed is apply it. If I wake in the middle of the night, I reapply it then too. I've never actually counted the number of times I apply chapstick during the day, and frankly I don't want to know. I start jonesing for it about every hour or so I'd say. If I can't find it (a rare occurrence) I start stressing and if I can't find it within a few minutes, I turn to my back-up stash to get me through. My daughter knows that I need my chapstick wherever I go; she often keeps track of where I set it down so she can tell me where it is when I ask, "Where's my chapstick?!" Since she's at that age where she has to do everything Mommy does, she asks for "ca-kick" when she sees me putting it on, and before nap or bedtime. I barely tap it on her lip so none actually gets on her because I don't want her to develop my addiction. She has one of my empty tubes and she "applies" it every few minutes. It's cute and sad all at the same time.

My addiction has taken a toll on my bank account. After struggling to find the right chapstick, one that goes on smooth, covers well and doesn't evaporate or rub off easily, it turned out that I have very expensive tastes. At around $2.50 per tube, Alba Botanica's Un-Petroleum Lip Balm is pretty pricy. Consider that Chapstick brand lip balm sells for around $1, my beloved Un-Petroleum can break the bank at the rate I go through it. I have to buy more than one at a time so I have back-ups in case I lose one or I run out. If I don't have those back-ups, I become very anxious. The money I spend on four or five chapsticks at once could pay for dinner out. It takes me an average of two to three weeks to go through one tube so I spend anywhere from $43 to $65 per year on chapstick alone! That doesn't seem like much, but let's assume I've been hooked for 15 years, that means I've already spent between $645 to $975. And let's assume that I will live another forty-five years, my future expenditure on chapstick comes to anywhere between $1975 to $2925, and a total life expenditure of $2620 to $3900. If I invested $43 per year for sixty years in a savings account with today's paltry best rate of 2.0% compounded daily, I would have $5886.52; and I would have $8895.63 if I invested the $65 per year. It's certainly nothing to retire on, but $8900 isn't too shabby either.

Chapstick addiction can be very embarrassing. I get sideways looks or rolling eyes from friends when they see me applying chapstick repeatedly. No one but my husband has ever said anything about it, though. One day while we were getting ready to go grocery shopping he said, "You'd forget to take your daughter before you'd forget to take your chapstick." I paused to contemplate what he said and I couldn't honestly give an answer because of course I wouldn't forget my child but I never go anywhere without chapstick. If I do happen to forget it, I will turn the car around and go home to get it. We've been late to appointments and engagements because I had to go back for my chapstick. Probably the most embarrassing aspect of my addiction has been during intimate encounters with men. I stop during foreplay and sometimes even sex to reapply chapstick. They don't know what to say so they usually just tease me about it.

Few people understand the toll that chapstick addiction can take on the addict and their loved ones. They wonder why we just can't stop. I experience physically uncomfortable sensations if I don't apply chapstick regularly; I call it withdrawal because heroin addicts and alcoholics also go through physically uncomfortable sensations if they don't get their fix. Just like any addict, I take another hit to avoid withdrawal. The fear of withdrawal is probably greater than how terrible withdrawal would be but that fear is enough to keep me going back. Chapstick addiction is no joke, despite the many websites devoted to spoofing it and the addicts. One can even find surveys that report your level of addiction (I consistently score very high, another indication of how severe my addiction really is). If chapstick addiction weren't real, there wouldn't be so many websites, serious or humorous, devoted to it and people like me wouldn't write satirical articles about their own experiences.

I am a chapstick addict and I will not be ashamed anymore.