Chapter 1: Conflict Happens when Basic Needs Get Messed With

Chapter 1: Tyler challenges the teacher

Mr. Campbell had finally completed teaching his Communication Skills class about the twelve Basic Needs of SURVIVAL & LIFE NEEDS, BELONGING & AFFECTION, POWER, RESPECT, & SELF-RESPECT, SAFETY & SECURITY, FREEDOM & FUN, and SELF-ACTUALIZATION.

The class sat in silence for a moment, thinking about what they had learned. Abruptly, Tyler said, "Yo! Mr. Campbell?"

Mr. Campbell responded, "Yes, Tyler?"

Tyler said, "I don't mean to smart off here, but so what?"

Mr. Campbell asked, "What do you mean exactly?"

Tyler said, "I mean, so what? I mean, what's the point of learning that big long list of words?"

Tyler and the class all kind of expected Mr. Campbell to frown or get upset at Tyler's challenge. Instead, they saw a delighted smile come over Mr. Campbell's face as he exclaimed, "Tyler! I am so glad you asked that very excellent question! Before I give my answer, let's see if anybody in the class has an answer for Tyler."

A few kids raised their hands. Mr. Campbell turned to Tyler and said, "Tyler, you're in charge here since it was your question. You play "teacher" and call on the people to answer your question. Then I'll add to their answers at the end."

Tyler looked pleased and a little proud as he looked around the room and saw all eyes turned toward him. Straightening his posture a bit, he called out, "John?"

John said, "I think we have to learn those words as they're going to be on the test we have to take at the end of the quarter. Right, Mr. Campbell?"

Mr. Campbell said, "Yes, that is indeed one reason. But there are other reasons too. So Tyler, pick some more people to answer your question."

Tyler saw Judy raise her hand. He called out, "Judy?"

Judy said, "Well, I know that I like to be in control a lot. For example, I like to talk. I get frustrated when I can't talk on the phone as long as I want or when I can't talk as much as I want at school."

Tyler saw Dennis raise his hand. He called out, "Dennis?"

Judy interrupted, "Wait a minute! I just figured out something."

Tyler asked, "What?"

Judy said, "FREEDOM of Speech! FREEDOM! I want to be FREE to talk as much as I want, or I get frustrated."

Tyler said, "So?"

Judy said, "Don't you get it? FREEDOM is one of our Basic Needs."

Tyler said, "Oh, okay. Whatever! Now, back to Dennis!"

Dennis said, "Well, I know that I like to have a lot of friends. When I don't, I feel sad or lonely."

Judy interrupted, "There it is again!"

Tyler asked, "What now?"

Judy said, "Dennis feels sad and lonely when he's not getting his BELONGING and AFFECTION needs met. That's two more of our Basic Needs."

Tyler said, "Yeah, yeah." He noticed that Sandra was raising her hand. He called out, "Sandra?"

Sandra said, "My parents grounded me for coming in after my curfew last weekend. That made me mad and upset and frustrated. I hate getting grounded!"

Several kids nodded their heads in agreement with Sandra's statement. Again, Judy interrupted, "Okay! That would mean you were not getting your FUN need met nor as much FREEDOM as you wanted."

Sandra agreed, "That's the truth!"

Tyler saw Mark raise his hand. He called out, "Mark?"

Mark said, "I overslept and missed breakfast the other day. I get crabby when I'm hungry. I snapped at Ted. Ted snapped at a sixth grader. His big brother got revenge on Ted. Man! Just because I didn't eat breakfast, a whole chain reaction thing happened as a result."

Before Judy could interrupt again, Tyler said, "Okay, Judy. Let's have you be the spokesperson, since you keep interrupting anyway. Which of his Basic Needs got messed with?"

Judy said, "Hmmmm! I would say it was his SURVIVAL or LIFE NEED of not getting enough food that caused all the conflict in the first place."

Ted said, "Yeah! And after all that happened to me, I half-jokingly, half-seriously told Mark that if he overslept and missed breakfast again, I would end our friendship. And before Judy can say anything, I will answer for her and say that it would mean that Mark would not be getting his BELONGING need met with me anymore."

Judy said, "Yeah! But why would you threaten to end your friendship? After all, you wouldn't be getting your BELONGING need met either?"

Ted said, "Because getting snapped at when I didn't do anything makes me feel DISRESPECTED and INSECURE. I don't like that feeling at all!"

Dennis said, "Hey, Ted! You just mentioned two more of our Basic Needs."

Ted said, "I did?"

Dennis said, "Yeah! RESPECT AND SECURITY. Or the opposite of them, at least."

Ted smiled and said, "Yeah! I did, didn't I?!!"

Mr. Campbell said, "So Tyler, you got several excellent answers. What did you learn from what they said?"

Tyler said, "Well, ..., uh, ..., I guess that bad things can happen when people don't get as much FREEDOM as they want."

Judy said, "Yeah! Or when they don't get as much of those other Basic Needs too."

Mr. Campbell said, "Exactly! All conflict happens when one or more of our Basic Needs gets messed with. Thank you so much, Tyler, for stimulating such a great discussion."

Once again, Tyler looked pleased. He thought, "I think I'm going to like being in this class."

Mr. Campbell said, "This discussion we just had brings us to another point. You heard people mention that they got angry, mad, upset, and frustrated. They also felt DISRESPECTED, and INSECURE. All those negative feelings can cause conflict either within yourself or with other people. What happens when you have conflict within yourself?"

Dennis said, "You get depressed."

John said, "I had an uncle who got so upset and angry, he had a stroke."

Cindy said, "I saw a movie where a man got so angry, he had a heart attack."

Mr. Campbell said, "Yes! If you let those negative feelings get to you enough, it can make you get sick in some way. But heart attacks and strokes don't usually happen to kids. So if you can learn some healthy ways to deal with those negative feelings NOW, you hopefully will never be faced with having that kind of sickness happen to you when you get older."

Several kids looked relieved at what Mr. Campbell had said. A few even looked determined to learn as much as they could from this class as they had no desire to ever have a heart attack or stroke.

Mr. Campbell said, "What could happen when you have a conflict with other people?"

Cindy said, "That's easy! You could get in a fight."

Mark said, "You could lose a good friend."

Ted said, "You could get beat up by an older kid."

Tyler said, "A teacher could yell at you."

Judy said, "You could get grounded."

Sandra said, "You could get suspended or put in I.A.P. - the In School Alternate Program."

Dennis said, "You could get in a yelling match."

John said, "You could whine or cry."

Mr. Campbell said, "Excellent! It sounds like you could go on and on. But let's break this down a little."

Judy asked, "What do you mean?"

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