Charlie Sheen & Lindsay Lohan Move to Small Southern Town to Restore Sanity

"Winning!" might be a Charlie Sheen word inevitably headed for the most-used phrases list of 2011, but the highlight reel of the year might also include a particular small North Carolina town with the same name. The mayor of Winning, North Carolina gave a press conference to the national media a day before this article went to press detailing his town's plans to reach out to Hollywood celebrities who can't seem to shake the madness from their lives. From the tongue of His Honor the Mayor Strom Cooter:

"Winning! No, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not impersonating Charlie Sheen. I will admit to sounding somewhat like him and misleadingly having his 'devil-I-don't-care' gaze. Beyond that, I'm here to proudly utter the name of our little North Carolina town that may become the new sanctuary for troubled actors and actresses living for decades in the greater Los Angeles, California area.

In a recent town hall meeting, we all took a break from discussing our town's own problems and bantered on how everyone who lives in Hollywood more than five years seems to eventually lose a sense of sanity.

The facts became clear: Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Britney Spears, just for starters, are all victims of things tangible and intangible in Hollywood that scrambles every ounce of common sense, saneness and equanimity. What they need is residency in a small town that treats residents as small town equals. At the same time, we had to create other avenues that kept the paparazzi away as well as giving the celebrities ways to keep them available for employment.

With this came a paid advertisement from us in a Hollywood trade journal. It's my pride and joy to announce that when we offered this opportunity directly to Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in the ad, they both agreed to stay in our town for a week to determine if they have the desire to live here permanently. When Mr. Sheen arrived, we immediately set up a personal meeting with him to determine that his sincerity to better himself was truly sincere.

Winning! No, I'm not impersonating Charlie Sheen again, though I am easily attracted to catchphrases that are challenging to stop being said over and over again.

During our meeting with Mr. Sheen, we discussed our potential methods of keeping national media and paparazzi from ever entering our town. We decided that, upon entrance to our town, a sign would indicate a population of only 50 when, in actuality, we have 500. Should this psychological ploy not deflect them, a sign a mile ahead would indicate our existence east of here that takes one to a secret moonshine distillery with random traps set in the periphery.

Mr. Sheen agreed with our tactics, but asked us that we still provide a local access channel so he can continue doing his 'Sheen's Korner' show to get away from the millions of critical gawkers watching on the Internet. He also cited it as a way to officially wash away 'Two and a Half Men', despite an impending lawsuit. Our resident grammarians in the room agreed only if he renamed it 'Sheen's Cornfield.'

Winning! No, I'm not yet again impersonating Charlie Sheen, though I do enjoy uttering exclamations when I can win over someone influential.

We also had to deal with Charlie Sheen's penchant for women and how we plan to limit it to a bare minimum to strike a sense of moderation in a celebrity's life. It was stipulated that no Goddesses or women who work in the adult industry will be allowed within the borders of our town. Of course, this became a concern with Mr. Sheen the minute we tried to banish the word Goddesses. With one of Charlie Sheen's Goddesses moving out of his L.A. life at present time of this press conference, he's agreed that the one left will also likely move out before he can officially move to Winning.

In that regard, he's agreed to meet with one of our single female residents, Emily Webb Robinson, our resident numismatist. I hear Miss Robinson has created a collection of coins with Charlie Sheen's likeness on the front and back. She already has a red carpet unfurled outside her home as a sign she's willing to meet our first celebrity resident.

Goddesses! No, I'm still not trying to impersonate Charlie Sheen. And I've never uttered the word or seen a living soul resembling a Goddess. Ever.

I will say, however, that Lindsay Lohan is considered a Demigoddess by some of our younger residents. Yet I've managed to uphold the stipulation that no one in Winning will ogle when they see a female celebrity they recognize living in our town. Fortunately, many of these same residents immediately uttered the movie title 'Mamma Mia!' when I referenced Miss Lohan's name.

Graciously, Lindsay Lohan agreed to meet with me and town officials just yesterday while Charlie Sheen was staying in our Hotel Moon Shine. This had to be arranged by approval of a Los Angeles judge due to her impending grand larceny case. Incidentally, it's possible her case may finish out here in Winning by our local Justice of the Peace utilizing an impartial jury who I've determined thinks Miss Lohan starred in 'Alice in Wonderland.'

It's this possibility that attracted her here and the fact that every corner she turns in Hollywood seems to run into a wall, a policeman, a lawyer, or her father. We've assured her that the most she'll run into here will be a docile policeman who won't ask her why she's wearing an expensive necklace. As a deterrent, I've mandated that no business proprietor will start a jewelry store in town and instead have outdoor flea markets selling bolo ties for men and women.

In our meeting with Miss Lohan, we agreed to set her up in a modest abode that will be strictly hers and not one for her parents or anyone else considering it Grand Central Trouble. No 'yes' men entourage will be around her here, unless you include our local plumbers who wear suspenders on their pants when working under the sink.

We've also managed to work with our local film commission to bring more independent moviemaking to our region so Miss Lohan can continue to act. In early production here is a semi-biographical film on the life of Marilyn Monroe. The movie speculates that Miss Monroe also briefly moved to a small town to escape Hollywood, yet ultimately found the Kennedy brothers hiding away in her more humble boudoir.

Miss Lohan says she's interested in the project and ran outside our office in excitement to stand over our air conditioner grate in front of our curious residents. Some of our male residents were disappointed she was only wearing jeans at the time, but our dress code here will remain casual.

Afterward, I drove Miss Lohan to an isolated area outside of town where we have a large canyon. In the event any paparazzi still manage to find their way into our town and chase Miss Lohan in their sports utility vehicles in our isolated areas, we've arranged a trap. By use of mirage, the paparazzi will think they're gaining on Miss Lohan's vehicle, though will ultimately be sent careening over our canyon that we call Welcome Home. I and the town council are still working on the issue's legalities or of filling in the canyon if this actually happens.

Now, if you excuse me, I have to go follow up on more calls about additional celebrities interested in living in our humble town. My secretary addressed me moments ago that half of Hollywood is now interested in residing here over Vancouver, B.C.

Winning! No, I'm not impersonating Charlie Sheen again. However, I may need to revise things due to my intern telling me that Mr. Sheen is currently standing in my office with a machete after meeting our own Emily Webb Robinson earlier this morning..."