Charming but Single Blogger Interview

The blogosphere has been clogged over the last five years with millions of pages detailing the day-to-day trevails of average people from around the world. With such an environment, bloggers who want to get people to recognize their material and remain loyal readers need to develop a unique and genuine voice to communicate their thoughts. One such blog is the candid and interesting Charming but Single (http://charmingbutsingle.blogspot.com) and I have had the honor of speaking with its author by email about her philosophy on romance, her own person voice, and the nature of blogging.

Nick Katers: Thank you so much for speaking with me. What was your motivating force for beginning your own blog?

Christina: Honestly, I started blogging because I was bored. I had a crappy job in retail and I was waiting to get my first "adult" job in my field and I was feeling particularly bored with life. I needed to do something creative. And writing has always been something I loved to do. My first experience with reading blogs was during the presidential election in 2004 when I read political blogs everyday. I had a lot of down time working in retail and I discovered some personal blogs about dating and being single and I thought, "Hey, I could do that." I've never read much chick lit, but I found the confessional nature of personal blogs to be very fulfilling. I loved political blogs, but I'm not nearly obsessed enough to write one of my own. I am, however, the official expert on my own life.

Also, I was coming out of a two-year fog of being helplessly in love with someone who didn't care for me in the same way. He liked the attention, but never intended on cultivating a relationship with me. And I think my friends were tired of hearing about him and I still had some unresolved issues to sort out. I did this through blogging. It allowed me to see the friendship clearly and move past my unhealthy, one-sided feelings. He's a good friend of mine, but we rarely see each other anymore. And I credit my blogging with helping me see that relationship for what it was - unrequited love that was a road block to me finding someone who actually wanted to be with me.

For me, writing is a great release. I cannot deal with things internally sometimes. I need to put things out there and reflect on and examine them in order for me to make decisions and proceed. The blog allows me to do that, which is both good and bad. It is good because I can read all of the posts about a specific topic and get a sense of how I should move forward. It is bad because it allows me to obsess needlessly about the minute details of my life. By writing a post or a series of posts on a topic, it takes on a life of its own and sometimes gets more attention than it should. Sometimes I read old posts and think, "I really wrote about that?"

I figured I'd blog for a few months and then I'd be done with it. I had no idea that I would find myself still blogging to a small audience more than a year and a half later.

NK: In many of your blog entries, you talk about your personal life and love life with a candor that is
refreshing, particularly the fact that people who read may not know you but feel invested in your day to day life. Are you this candid in real life?

C: I am candid in real life when I feel like I am speaking to friends or people who care about me. A lot of what I write has either already been relayed to my girlfriends (the Dating Task Force) or is soon to be shared with them. Believe it or not, on some topics, I am actually MORE candid in real life than I am on my blog. If you read it closely, you will see that I may allude to sex or the physical aspect of relationships, but I don't get very graphic in my descriptions. After a glass of wine with the right group of girlfriends in real life, I will dish the dirt and more intimate details, but I've chosen to keep the salacious stuff off of my blog. This is a conscious choice on my part - I never wanted to be the woman who was blogging about her sex life, so I focus most of my attention on relationships and my singleness.

Some of the things on my blog are very personal and I don't share them with my friends. Sometimes I'll have a moment of loneliness or sadness or fearfulness and I'll write about it. And then I'll feel better. And I won't necessarily call my best friend and say, "I am so scared that I may be falling for him and I need him to show me that he's going to meet me halfway." Because some feelings you don't always voice. But it is good for me to write them down. It allows me to confront my fears and feelings, like an adult.

NK: Were you a writer or involved in the arts in any way before blogging?

C: I majored in journalism and did some reporting years ago in college, which is where I got the writing bug. But reporting wasn't for me in the long run. I am a very curious (and at times, nosy) person, but I wasn't content covering town council meetings or school boards. I credit being a reporter and editor with helping me learn to write quickly and coherently. I still find little writing errors in posts because I churn them out pretty quickly. I write most of my average length posts in about a half-hour. I think about them some in advance, but the writing is quick. Longer posts take more time. But I learned how to write a quick-and-dirty story on the back of a meeting agenda and then dictate it to an editor as a baby reporter covering rural events.

NK: How do you feel your blog has evolved since you first started it?

C: My blog has changed a lot since I first started it. Some of my early entries are kind of detached, I think. There are some gems in there, but it took a few months for me to hit my stride. I never thought anyone would read my blog - I know people say that, but it is true. A blog is a convenient mode of keeping a journal because I type much faster than I write longhand. But when I got a comment for the first time? I flipped out. And now there have been almost 3000 comments. I used to think it was neat to get 30 hits a day - now I get around 500 or 600 daily. I'm hardly a blogging powerhouse, but I've definitely grown since my first entry. I didn't know much about site stats or Technorati or being a blogger when I started.

It is very different writing with an audience. I started this blog for myself and I've continued with that intention, so there are topics I won't talk about or things I don't share. But I'm also aware that people are reading along and this motivates me to keep writing. As far as my audience goes, I am constantly amazed by what people comment on and what posts get a lot of attention. Sometimes I'll write a really long descriptive post about my weekend, complete with detail, and I'll get seven or eight comments. Other times I'll throw together six paragraphs and get 25.

No one from my "real life" knows about Charming, but single. It is hard for me to keep it from people I care about because I am proud of much of what I write. But I don't want to have to censor myself because I'm worried about how my friends and family might react. This is my view of things. And other people may not share it. But I feel like by not telling people I am protecting all of our anonymity. I don't know what I'll do when I start dating someone seriously - I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

NK: You state a few times throughout your blog that you are trying to stay away from the whole "Sex and the City" dynamic that many female bloggers and writers get into. What is the reasoning behind this desire to stay away from the "Sex and the City" dynamic? Do you feel that you have accomplished this?

C: The "Sex and the City" question - always a big one for female bloggers. "Sex and the City" is one of my favorite shows. But I see it for what it was - a great escape from my generally boring life and an over-the-top fantasy of expensive shoes, ultra stylish clothes, rich men and fantastic parties. This is hardly how I live. It is tempting sometimes to gloss up the stories of my life as I write them and make my days sound luxe and fantastic. But that's not reality - I try on Steven Maddens instead of Manolos and wear jeans out to drink beer more than I sip cocktails in fancy dresses. And as much as I enjoy the show and the characters, it isn't real. You never see Carrie sitting at home in the sweat pants she wears when she feels bloated, washing down tater tots with cheap white wine while she watches bad reality TV, checks her e-mail and wonders if all of this dating is even worth it - which is closer to my reality than "Sex and the City." I try to be honest about my life. I'm no Carrie Bradshaw. (That said, I love the show, I think that it touches on some of the more humorous aspects of dating while also addressing some of the more serious aspects of life.)

I think all writers want to see themselves as original and unique. It is rough to pour yourself into something and then hear people compare it to "Sex and the City" or "Shopaholic Takes Manhattan" or "Bridget Jones's Diary." A lot of the time people mean these comparisons as compliments, but sometimes people compare your work to movies or TV shows or books to insinuate that you are somehow unoriginal. My goal is to be honest and easy for other people to relate to. And if in doing that, someone thinks I'm trying to be Carrie Bradshaw-like, then so be it.

NK: Over the course of your blog, your philosophy on relationships seems to remain roughly the same, though at times you become pensive or self reflecting about your own philosophy. In your opinion, how do you feel your opinions on romantic relationships has evolved in terms of your blog entries?

C: My past life experience and history largely shape my view on romantic relationships with men. I'm hopelessly romantic and while I may be slightly negative about my prospects at time, I generally believe that there is someone out there for me. That's my history talking - I was raised in a home by both of my parents who are terribly in love with each other and I come from a big family with very little divorce in it. So I believe in a big, all encompassing love and marrying The One and having children and all of that good stuff. But I've also been hurt and rejected many times, so I can be really fearful of letting people in. This sometimes gets me in trouble because I'll settle for shallow interactions and put forth a very flirtatious, over confident persona so that I don't have to show my softer, more vulnerable side and risk getting hurt. I've got two strong forces pulling me in different directions most of the time, because I want the big love, but I'm too cautious to put myself out there for fear of rejection.

I think there's been a big shift in how I approach my dating life over the past months. In April one of my girlfriends married a fabulous guy and this hit my like a Mack truck doing 115 miles per hour on the Interstate. This woman was my friend during a very low romantic period for the both of us, so we spent a lot of time sitting at a bar with beers in our early 20something hands, cursing the world for leaving us heartbroken. So, seeing her getting married was a wake-up call for me. I think I realized that I don't want to be that bitter woman drowning in a wine glass in the corner of people's wedding receptions for the next decade or so. And that's where I was headed. I was putting no effort into my dating life. I was basically hoping that some guy would trip over me and decide that he should ask me out.

So I started with the online dating. I'm still kind of too picky for my own good, and I've only actually let three guys take me out (I have a date with a fourth guy next week). But I feel like I am taking a more active approach to dating. And it sucks sometimes. One day I sent three different guys e-mails and was ignored by two and told by the third that he was dating someone exclusively, only to see that he's signed into the dating site constantly since then. So there's still a lot of rejection. And I get messaged by a lot of guys I wouldn't dream of dating in a million years. I don't know that online dating will be my salvation or that I'll meet The One on a Web site, but I'm having a good time and I think that's a start.

I've been really surprised how much my confidence has soared over the past few months. I seem to get hit on a lot more lately and I think it is because I put forth a more welcoming vibe. Six months ago, I think I probably came across as very closed off and grumpy. I think my blog plays a role in my new approach to dating as well. When I looked at my entries from several months, I didn't like that I wasn't taking much initiative. There are a lot of things I could be doing better - I still sometimes check out guys from afar and don't always have the courage to make a move. Rejection's a bitch, but I learned a long time ago that it isn't fatal.

NK: What do you think the most rewarding qualities of blogging are?

C: One of the most rewarding things for me is having a record of this time in my life. For better or for worse, it will be nice to be able to look back many years from now and remember how I felt. I also enjoy hearing from people who read my blog. Most of the feedback is very positive. I get women who write to me or comment that reading my blog reminds them of their lives and they enjoy knowing that someone else is facing the same things that they face each day. I love my life, but sometimes being single really sucks, for lack of a better word. People make you feel like a charity case because you're alone, everyone wants to set you up with their cousin's roommate's sister's butcher and some try to tell you what you're doing wrong. It's difficult to not be jealous of happy couples and wonder if there is something that is keeping you from being in a relationship. So it is comforting to know that you aren't alone and that other people face the same challenges.

NK: Conversely, what are the most frustrating aspects of blogging?

C: The most frustrating thing is that people don't always respect your blog as your personal writing. Sometimes I feel like I have to produce new entries, go on more dates, have better stories to keep my six readers happy.

Also, sometimes people take what you're saying out of context or they judge you. My blog is just a part of my life. There are many hours of the day that I never talk about in my writing and experiences I don't share. I don't think anyone who reads my blog knows everything there is to know about me. But we live in a judgmental world and people think they are somehow entitled to say whatever they want about me because I choose to write about my life in this medium. Also, I think some bloggers look down on personal bloggers because we're not writing about current events or geopolitical issues. One blogger called me a "dye job" and said he didn't think I ever read a newspaper, which I thought was pretty funny considering that I was an aspiring reporter and that people who actually know me will tell you that I can be pretty serious. At times, I have been known to spend a party in the kitchen talking about universal health care or local politics or future presidential elections. And I guess I could blog about these things, but I know my own life better than any other subject. So I write what I know.

I've also been plagiarized and had other sites take my posts and repost them as their own to generate ad money. That is the frustrating thing about blogging. It's easy for people to just steal your work because many unscrupulous people treat blog content with less respect than they would another kind of written material. And there isn't anyone to really police this and most bloggers, myself included, don't have the resources to seek legal action against people who steal our work.

That said, the good clearly outweighs the bad, otherwise I wouldn't keep blogging. Most of the people who read my blog do so because they enjoy it and the majority of what people say to me and about me is complimentary.

NK: Will you branch out from blogging to do more conventional writing in the future or continue to expand your readership online?

C: I'd love to get more readers. I think growing your readership online takes a lot of effort at times. I am really bad about updating my blogroll, linking to new blogs, leaving comments for people and responding to comments on my site. Those are the things you have to do sometimes to get new dedicated readers. But I do pick up new readers and see the number of links to my blog grow slowly on Technorati, so I can only assume people are finding me and sticking around.

I've always wanted to write a novel, so I'm planning on participating in National Novel Writing Month in November. I don't really expect anything to come from this other than a sense of accomplishment from knowing that I have written a novel, even if no one ever reads it. I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a miniscule part of me that thinks, "I'll submit this to agents and get a deal and become a famous published author and then I'll go on Oprah with my girlfriends and everyone will love me." But the chances of that happening are almost nonexistent. And I have aspirations in my career and goals for myself that have nothing to do with blogging or being a novelist, so I am content with this being my hobby.

Also, I can't imagine ever putting ads on my blog or somehow making money off of it because it is my journal. That might be the wrong attitude to have and I may change my mind, but that's how I feel now.