Che Brutta Figura!!!

I've lived overseas for a good part of my life and out of "that" I've spent an awful lot of time in Italy. You'd think after living in this country off and on for the better part of 20 years I'd have a good handle on the culture. But not a day goes by that I am not overwhelmed (or perhaps under-whelmed) by some new cultural nuance, some little quirk that reminds me that no matter how long I live here I will always be an outsider.

Let me tell you about the dreaded "brutta figura." (pronounced BRUU-TAH FIH-GUU-RAH) This is literally translated as "ugly figure" but the more profound significance leans more towards a person being embarrassed or embarrassing someone else or having egg on his or her face or humiliating someone. This is a phrase that is bandied about quite a bit. It is not a nice. You don't want to be labeled as the Brutta Figura or do something that makes a Brutta Figura out of someone else.

I must clarify that is not something new to me. I use the term pretty freely in conversation. Lots of people do. I use it a lot of times at my own expense - but never seriously and always in jest. And that ladies and gentlemen in the key.

Pt. I: Gary Goes to the Gym

I changed gyms recently. I found one that opens a little earlier in the morning and stays open a little later in the evening and that means more flexibility for 'ol Gar. Now being the social animal that I am, and having been a gym-rat most of my life, I can tell you that if I say hello to you in the gym there is no hidden agenda on my part. If I say hello to a female it means "Hello" and not "Hello, let's have sex." Same applies to guys. At least that's when I say hello. When YOU say hello maybe it means something different. When Italians say Hello, maybe THEY mean something different. In most gyms I've been in, heck in most places in general I've been in be it a 7-11, Wal-Mart or Borders, the small talk is just that. I'm certainly not thinking about performing the mating dance of the Bald Eagle with someone wearing spandex if I'm holding 250 pounds of iron above my head.

But I digress.

Anyway, so I go to this new gym and I'm working out and because I'm new, people of both sexes are looking at me. And I say hello how's it going, what's your routine today. Pretty simple stuff. Typical "gym stuff" But apparently it's typical only to me.

PT. II: Gary has coffee

The next day I go have coffee with my wife. This would be my wife of nearly 25 years. My wife who should know that I only have eyes for her. Who should know that because I have her name tattooed on several spots on my body - including locations only she will ever see -- it's because I plan on sticking around for a while! It's the old saying: "Why would I want to eat a hamburger if I have steak at home?" So anyway we walk into the coffee bar and I recognize a girl from the gym and I say "Hey, you should be in the gym!" In my mind this is pretty innocent stuff. The implication was "You should be in the gym and not standing here eating a donut." No so. The fact that I spoke to her in front of my wife was STRIKE ONE. The fact that I spoke to her in front of...well I don't know who was next to her...her husband, co-worker, lover, friend (coulda been all three, in this country you can never be sure) . Anyway, that was STRIKE TWO and before I knew it I had thrown down some seriously bad ju-ju and made Brutta Figura out of myself, my wife and I guess my wife's extended family. Cuz you know, this is a small town and people will talk.

I knew something was wrong because this young lady answered me back with "AreYOU talkin' to ME?" in a way that would have made Robert De Niro proud. My wife in the meantime slammed her coffee and walked out. And then I remembered that I was in ITALY. That whole fun-loving façade that Italians tend to get stereotyped with? Trust me - it's cosmetic at best and fake at worst. And it certainly doesn't apply to strangers.

PT. III: Gary is Perplexed

I had committed the worst of sins: I embarrassed my wife. "Che Brutta Figura!!" She screamed. "Now she's going to tell her friends that the American tried to pick her up at the Gym!" And then my wife mapped out "Rule Number One" (roughly translated): Where the heck have you been for the last 25 years! You don't just say hello to someone unless you really know them. I mean REALLY KNOW them. And even then you don't go out of your way to say hello. Because you are putting them on the spot. Apparently I was working late the night this all-important rule was presented to me because I thought if I saw someone I knew or recognized I can say hello. That that there have been some people who actually acknowledge my existence over the years when I have said hello apparently means they are just as uneducated as I am.

I wonder if I had walked into the coffee bar and saw a guy standing there that I knew from the gym. What if I had said "Hello?" Would my wife still have been embarrassed?

Gary is still perplexed...But goes back to the Gym

Despite the humiliation I caused my wife I went back to the gym in the morning like I usually do. I guess my wife thought I'd walk in the gym and all movement would stop. Kind of like a gunslinger walking into a noisy saloon. Nope, I went back to the gym and tried to be affable like I always do. Did my thing. Tried not to drop heavy weights on my foot. Don't remember if that young lady was in the gym or not. No doubt she DID tell all her friends and it probably DID get blown out of proportion. This country...like a lot of countries including the USA is very cliquish. And again, I'm an outsider and an American and who the heck knows what stereotypes people carry with them regarding the US.

I guess I can't stop being who I am any more than my neighbors can't stop being who they are. Or can they? Deep inside I have this hunch that there are a whole lot of people in this world who really WOULD like to smile and say hello and maybe make a new friend. But 100 centuries of cultural quicksand prevent them from doing so!