Cheap / Inexpensive Dating Tips

First of all, I hear blow-up dolls are fairly inexpensive. Sorry, but I absolutely could not resist.

Being poor and attached myself, I feel your pain. Being a woman, I still feel your pain, but I don't want to hear any whining, especially on this day.

No matter how poor or challenged, however, there are certain rules we must all obey in order to keep our civilization (and faces) in tact.

Rule # 1: No, you cannot ignore Valentine's Day altogether. No one will believe you when you say it slipped your mind, so don't even try.

Whatever your position or situation, be a man and bite the bullet. You cannot outrun this one. We might not be able to catch you, but we will hunt you down.

Rule # 2: It doesn't have to be outrageous.

Something is better than nothing. Can't afford a dozen roses? Can you draw, paint or sketch? Be creative! No artistic abilities whatsoever? Well, have you driven down the streets a few blocks over from where you live? There are bound to be tulips or carnations (whatever grows outside in your neck of the woods around this time of year) within reach, whether it is a financial semi-stretch or the physical stretch of your arm out of a slowly moving vehicle. Like I said, be creative.

Is it stealing? If no one is standing there, absorbing the beauty of these homegrown flowers... I say "No!" No. In fact, it is almost an obligation on your part to pluck these neglected and unappreciated beauties from the prison-earth in which they are trapped. This is your chance to be a hero. Be brave, but be swift.

Rule # 3: Don't be a jerk.

Even if you have nothing material to give, kindness goes a long way. Be sweet. Is her laundry piling up? Scratch that - you'll probably just screw it up anyway. Kind acts are great, but stupid-kind is not great. At least, do some research on-line about how to properly launder clothes before you proceed. Or call your mother. She's been doing your laundry for so many years now, remember? Speaking of mothers...

The truth is there are too many "rules" to list. If some careless person once told you there were no rules, I am here to tell you they lied, especially if it was a woman. That, my chromosomally challenged friend, was a test. I don't mean to add to your anxiety, but I think it's only fair you know what you're up against.

Now, back to cheap (you probably prefer "inexpensive") Valentine's Day gifts.

A picnic is always nice, unless your partner suffers from severe outdoor allergies. Here's an idea: pack some over-the-counter meds. It might also be a good idea to know what she takes for those allergies. The good folks at the liquor/wine/spirits store will be more than happy to assist with the beverage selection. I say go with wine, because it's supposed to be romantic or something. Underagers out there might turn to apple cider or something similar. It's cute, and it shows you're really trying to fulfill her Danielle Steele fantasies. Finger-foods are best for picnics. You can feed each other, and they don't take much preparation. Stroll by the deli aisle in the nearest supermarket for some aesthetic ideas. Make it pretty. Cheap baskets can be found at craft stores or even dollar stores. Dress one up with a red cloth lining, and you've got yourself a picnic basket. Cut a pillow case if you have to. White will also work. Please, make sure it is clean.

Not into picnics or food? Something might be wrong with this one. She is probably too demanding and out of your range anyway, so this could be the best way to get out of Valentine's Day altogether. Don't like that option? Let's move on then.

Time is an excellent gift. Just stop tuning her out for a minute and you'll understand. Give her the gift of your time. Sitting in front of the television with an X-Box controller in your hands while she is making you lunch is not exactly what I mean.

Turn off the television. It's going to hurt, I know, but have a friend TiVo the game for you today. Love is about compromise.

A spa day would be wonderful, but you are too poor to buy her a gift certificate. Spend the day delighting her senses! Give her a full body massage and paint her toenails. Create a warm and cozy environment. Think aromatic candles, soft music and comfort. Lavender, sandalwood and jasmine are good choices. The music should be laid-back and
relaxing, but not so hypnotic that you wake up to find it is a brand new day. Sleeping through this holiday is on many wish-lists, surely, but you will pay for that one later. Instead of silk or satin, look to higher thread cottons, fleece, even micro-suede. Those fabrics are everywhere now and relatively inexpensive.

Nearly every guy I have ever met thinks he can do two things (maybe more than two) at professional level, even though he doesn't have much experience. Guys think they can cook like a chef and massage like a masseur. Truth: Most guys can't do either very well. I'm talking about the guys who swear up-and-down they make the best spaghetti and will make your head spin with a back-rub. Guys, you're only fooling yourselves. Do a little research. Even when you have finally made something of yourself and can pay someone else to fondle your significant other... Well, I think I've made my point.

When Plan A fails, as it will, due to the fact that you do not have the resources to whisk her off to southern Italy or Paris or the Caribbean or Hawaii in your private jet, go with Plan B:

Bite the bullet.
Be creative.
Be sweet.

If you are already in one of those locations mentioned above and still need guidance, you're an idiot. Enjoy the blow-up doll.