Chicken Crap for the Soul

My mom used to love that book "Chicken soup for the soul", and all of it's subordinate followings, so I thought it only appropriate to write some dark humor, sarcastic true stories with somewhat of a different theme. Instead of uplifting, happy ending stories, these will be mostly alarming short stories of actual people doing and saying really dumb, sad, bad, horrible things.

You called 911 for what?

Dispatched for a possible hanging. Upon our arrival in the ambulance, my partner and I found an elderly patient in the basement of a single family home, hanging from the ceiling. The patient was obviously dead, with rigor mortis set in. In fact, when we cut him down, he stood upright on the floor.
Here's the kicker. His elderly wife called, and in my ever most compassionate state, I went upstairs to find her indulging in a gin and tonic. "Maam", I said softly as I knelt next to her. "Your husbands passed away".
"I know", she slurres. "Can you get him the hell out of here?" "He's starting to stink up the house".

Dispatched to an unknown medical. Upon our arrival with the ambulance, we find two men, dressed in women's clothing, appearing to be intoxicated. One of them rushes to the door exclaiming he has a "salty taste in my mouth". I will leave the rest up to you.

One of the cities I work in has it's share of frequent fliers of the 911 system. I think my personal favorite is a six hundred pound lady I will call "Suzy".
She is so morbidly obese, that she is unable to urinate, or deficate normally, so she just poops and pees on herself, while seated in her favorite recliner. She has open sores up and down both legs from this, and the smell of rotting flesh is nauseating at best. I didn't include the graphic details to be a jerk, but to make a point, because "Suzy", enjoys drinking vodka by the liter bottle, and abusing prescription drugs. These things all combined make for a very miserable, physically and mentall unstable person. I first met "Suzy" when she lived on the third story of an apartment complex with no elevator, and would call 911 to help her roll over in her bed. This continued for weeks, until one day my partner and I were dispatched to her apartment, and upon entering her bedroom, could hear muffled screams, and other strange sounds. She was lying facedown on her bed, and needed help rolling over. When we and the fire department had succesfully rolled her over, there was her beloved cat, dead from suffacating under her. Poor cat. I also found it odd she had a tanning bed in her bedroom.
She moved shortly after, to a ground floor apartment thank God, but the calls became more frequent, and more exasperating. She called the previous day to have the ambulance crew put her socks on, and then called us because they had apparently put them on upside down. When my partner informed her in his fed up attitude that this could not continue, she called 911 repeatedly to complain about us.

I have been on a number of calls for children who have inserted small objects into their ears or nose, and Mom or Dad or both are freaking out. Now granted, little Johnny has a pencil eraser stuck up his nose, which he gladly and proudly shows you, but I still can't quite grasp why Mom and Dad feel as if little Johnny is going to kick off at any second.

When it's cold out we get quite a few calls for the drunks. This is a two fold problem. The first issue is the drunk, the second is the police not wanting to put said drunk into protective custody. The drunk does not want to stay outside where it is cold, so they will usually come up with a variety of reasons to go to the emergency room. "I have chest pain". This complaint is tops, but when asked, some of them will pronounce they only have it in the cold weather. The smart ones even know what to say to gaurantee an overnight admission to the hospital, and free food, and warmth. It would be sad if I didn't have to listen to the lies, and smell their breath after drinking cheap vodka.

Dispatched to a parking lot outside an "adult video" store. We find a eighteen year old male patient, who is complaining of severe pain in his penis, caused by the "cock ring" he was unable to remove. He did announce with a broad smile that " I'm wearing clean underwear just like mom said too".

Dispatched to a low income apartment complex for a foot injury. Upon walking up the three flights of stairs and entering a smoke filled apartment, we found a fifty year old female, sitting in a chair, with what appeared to be her mentally dull daughter lifting her leg up. "I'm elevating it", she proudly exclaimed.
Turns out that Betty Crocker had dropped a small piece of steak on her foot from the freezer, (who cooks a steak at three in the morning?)
Moaning and wailing, you would have thought that the lady had a piano dropped onto her foot. We examined her foot, and informed her that there was absolutely no swelling, or deformity, and that we would be happy to take her to the hospital. Ms. Crocker however decided she would wait it out until later morning.
Ironically, I informed her to keep a peice of frozen chicken on her foot for any swelling.

Years back, I was directly involved in a call for a critically injured man. It seems darwinism had taken place that day, here is why. The man was working in a multilevel parking garage replacing ceiling light fixtures, and was using a cherry picker machine. It is basically a scissor lift, but you can drive it backwards and forwards while you stand on it. We only saw what caused his demise after when we watched it take place on the security tapes. He being impatient had wedged a screwdriver in the forward drive lever, and forgot about it, the machine then began moving forward while he was standing, and without room to duck, crushed his head like a tomatoe against a steel beam.

A group of college age girls decide to drink, then sneak onto a local ski slope after midnight to slide down on tubes. Unfortunately, one of then crashes into a light pole, fracturing her femur. The humor comes into place with us getting to her. We arrived on scene, at the base of the mountain, and not a soul was in sight, but there was a running snowmobile there. My partner at the time, being a bit witless, jumped on without hesitation and took off up the mountain, leaving me to stand there scratching my head, wondering where he went, how I was going to get up, and a few other random thoughts.
Minutes later, it seems that Cleatus, the angry snow grooming machine operator was dispatched to help transport me up the mountain. Now,I don't iknow if f you are familiar with snow grooming machines, but I can tell you, they are made for one person. It was a very long fifteen minute ride on Cleatus' lap, even though I attempted small talk, I think he was irritated by the whole situation. After what seemed like an eternity, we had arrived, they loaded the patient onto the top of the snow machine, and without room for me this time, began their ascent down the mountain. Only myself and a firefighter were left, with a snowmobile. I said to him,, "do you know how to ride one?" Sure, he said, and I climbed on with him. "Sure:" must have been slang for, "no, absolutely not", as we careened out of control. By this time, multiple camera crews had arrived at the base of the mountain, just in time to film me being launched off the snowmobile as the firefighter flipped it over. Both myself and my little girl like screams made the next day news.