Child Abuse or Proper Raising?

Let us start this off with a major disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor, yet I do consider myself a professional mother. I am not a perfect parent, I do slack in my rules sometimes, and I pay for it later.

I am writing this as I sit at my computer, the sound of my daughter outside arguing with one of her friends yet again. I can hear the things these other girls are yelling back and forth, and it made me think, what has happened to respect, manners, and basic common courtesy? If I had even thought about uttering half of what these kids are, my grandmother would have washed my mouth out with soap everyday for a week. As I yell out the window for them to knock it off or she is coming in, I see the multiple eye rolls from the other girls, mine at least turns her back before doing it.

My children have been grounded for simple things such as mouthing back, one of my pet peeves. Yes, I have spanked, and I am sure I will again, my children. Prime example: we were going out for my daughters birthday dinner in early March. My youngest son was having a temper tantrum, and basically being a whiny brat about it. As we were waiting to be seated, he got louder and louder. Well, my children have been taught how to act in public, and I warned him, if he didn't knock it off, I was going to take him out to the car and he would get a butt whooping. He kept it up, so when the hostess came, she walked the older two to our table, and I picked my five year old off the ground, held him sideways and carried him out. I opened my van door, sat down, put him over my knee, and gave him three hard swats to the bucket. I then told him he would settle it down, behave himself, or he would get another. We then walked back in the restaurant, and as we walked by a table filled with older adults that had seen the whole incident, they all clapped. My son walked over to his sister, told her he was sorry, and we all sat down and had a great meal, with no more interruptions.

Now, another time, we were in the grocery store, time for the big shopping trip of the month. Now this was when they were a little bit younger, and the boys were trying to chase each other around. Well, I told them if they didn't stop, we were going to leave, without our groceries. They kept fighting, and finally knocked over a display case of cans. I grabbed each child by a hand, walked up to customer service told them I was sorry I wouldn't be buying at that moment, and we left. As we were walking across the lot, my middle son ran ahead, against all rules, and a car had to swerve around him. I pulled him up short by the collar, and asked if he wanted to become a speed bump. He was swatted three hard times. When I looked up, a mother in her car was giving me a dirty look, as if I had just beat my child. I am pretty sure this is the same mother whose children are allowed to rule the household.

I am not saying every punishment is a spanking, because it's not. I use time outs, and I take away what they love the most. But I was raised by an old fashioned grandmother, and I was taught the basics. Respect your elders above all else. Back in my old town, I caught my daughter ripping flowers out of an elderly neighbors yard. This woman worked on her flowers everyday, and was so proud of them. I marched her back down there, made her apologize to the woman, and I left her there for the day. I told the neighbor my daughter was hers for the next few hours, and any little bit of yard work she needed done, have my daughter do it. She stayed there for five hours, and when she came home, she was full of stories about what the woman had done back in the day. Some people say I was very harsh, or that it was a silly punishment, but I wasn't calling it a punishment, I was calling it a life lesson.

Parents these days are not teaching their children anything by letting them call the shots. By trying to reason with a child, you are giving them power, which over the years builds, and by the time they are teenagers, you have no control over them what so ever. If you start teaching them to respect the boundaries of right and wrong from an early age, and act upon it when they don't, then they will hopefully learn and use it. I have a "friend" whose two children are so quick to act up, knowing the punishment never fits the crime, and that they can turn around and do it again. It literally drives me batty to be around these children. I often get irritated with my friends, as it seems these kids rule how they live. You cannot even go out to dinner with them, it turns into a disaster. All because they want to treat their children as little adults.

I was reminiscing the other day with a friend of the old days, when we acted up, and had to go outside and pick our own willow switch. If you say that in public now, people act as if you were an abused child. But let me tell you, if I did something so bad to get the switch, you better believe I never did it again. Of course, you can't use a willow switch now, not only would your children be taken away, but your behind would be tossed in jail. Perhaps if more parents would take the time and raise their children with respect for others, we wouldn't have so many acting out juvenile crimes. I was taught that you didn't get to go outside until not only your homework was done, but your chores also, and that's how my children have it today. I was raised to never ever raise my voice to my grandmother, and if I did, it was soap in the mouth. Same goes for my children. I often wonder, whatever happened to "honor thy mother and thy father?"

There are simple rules in my household, and they are to be followed if you want your "you" time.

1.Homework comes right after school, then chores, then outside time. If you have a lot of homework, then you better buckle down and get to it, and if we can't finish it, outside time will have to wait until tomorrow.

2. There is no raising your voice to your mother, or other adults: It's called respecting your elders, end of story

3. Respect of all teachers: if there is a problem, we will discuss it, but you will behave in school, you will listen, and you will ask questions. I am very strict on their schoolwork, better now than having them held back or not finishing at all.

4. Follow your curfew: if you are late,you don't go anywhere the next day.

5. No hitting: This is especially important in my household due to past experiences with abuse, hitting is an instant bedtime

6. You eat what I cook, or you go to bed hungry: I don't cook things I know they don't like, but I do expect you to try at least half of something. I will make something different if I know one child cannot eat something, but there is no extra snack if you choose to just not eat.

7. Bedtime is early on weeknights and no phone calls past 8 pm: I feel this is important, without enough sleep, they don't pay attention in school.

There are other rules, and sometimes I relax on those, but for those first 6, its follow or suffer the consequences. Now, some parents will read this and think that I am cruel, others will agree and just not admit it out loud. But if you read what I wrote and then think back to your childhood. Which friends parents do you remember with the most respect. Those that were the cool ones, the "friend" parent? Or those that had rules and made them seem right? I know who I remember, and I still respect them to this day. One more thing to remember though, no matter how well you raise your child, at some point they have to go their own way. Each of us parents simply hope its the right one, but if they are never shown that right path, what other option is left them?