Child Adoption 101: What Kind of Child Do You Want?

So many children are already available for adoption, and so many other children are going to be born to women who aren't prepared to parent them. What this means is that there is no shortage of adoptable children, not in the United States and not in the world. In fact, there are more children available than there are adoptive homes for them. There are babies and toddlers and preteens and teens. There are healthy children and children with medical issues. There are singles and sibling groups. There are children born in the United States and children born elsewhere. There are children of every race and every ethnicity. If you're adopting, your child is somewhere in this mix.

So the question isn't so much "Where are the children?" They're everywhere. The question is "What child do you want to parent?" Finding the answer for this question can be hard, mainly because saying that you're open to a particular type of child feels like you're rejecting all the other children.

But, hard or not, this is one question you can't dodge. At some point in the adoption process, you're going to have to actually state your preference - about age, about race, about challenges or special situations, about whatever - to another person. And you must be honest, for your sake and for your child's.

When you're done answering the question "What kind of child do I want?" then you need to ask yourself a follow-up question: "What kind of parent does that child deserve?"

Obviously, all children deserve good parents. Forthright. Honest. Loving. Gentle. Consistent. Stable. Committed. As an adoptive parent, however, you have to add another descriptor to that list: fearless.

You may not have brought your child into the world, but you have to help him navigate his way through it: through the ignorance of people who assume that, because he doesn't look like you, he can't be yours. Through the presumption of those who think that, because she doesn't do laps in the same gene pool as your forebears, her tie to you is somehow diminished. Through the questions that rankle (Is she your own?) to the compliments that chafe (He's so lucky that you took him from that place!), you must be a fearless advocate for the integrity of your child and your family.

In a world that too often defines who belongs together by things like race or genes or culture, your family is a testament to the fact that some people aren't bound by those limitations. When all is said and done, the person this will matter the most to is your child, your very own child, the one who, some day, will walk fearlessly through the same world on his own.

Questions to Ask Yourself

We suppose that having an entire book devoted to the topic of adoption implies that adoption is pretty difficult. Lots of stuff you need to know. Even more stuff you need to do. And all sorts of things to watch out for and be pre pared to handle. The process itself is pretty formidable. But when it comes to deciding whether adoption is right for you, it's really pretty simple. Ask your self these questions:

• Why do I want a child? You can come up with a lot of good answers to this question. One of the best - and the one you'll hear most often from most people - is also the simplest: I want to be a parent.

• Am I ready to love a child who I didn't give birth to? If you want to adopt, the only answer to this question is a resounding yes!

• Am I ready to commit to a child "until death do us part"? You can disown your parents and divorce your partner, but your child will be your child forever. You can no more toss away a child you adopt than you can toss away a child you give birth to. If you think differently, get goldfish instead. They, unlike children, can survive quite nicely being accessories in your life.

• Am I prepared to discuss adoption openly and honestly with my child? All people have a right to their personal history. Your child has a right to hers. I-low you discuss it has a lot to do with how your child feels about herself and her place in the family. So the answer here is, Yes, I'm prepared.

The preceding questions are the nutshell questions: the most important indicators of whether adoption is right for you. And if it is, you better get hoppin'. Somewhere out there, your child - born or unborn - is waiting for you.