Childless Women Dating Fathers

I never developed that motherly instinct to want to have children. The idea of raising another person from infancy to adulthood has never been my cup of tea. I've always wanted to have a dog though. If I see someone walking down the street with a K9, I whip my head around grinning and usually an "Aww" slips out in the same exact manner that baby lovers would do for someone walking with a stroller or holding the hand of a parent. With the lack of interest in having children, you can pretty much imagine how difficult it is for me to date a man with child(ren). It's not that I don't like children. I do. I just like children twenty thousand times better when they're somebody else's, and I don't have to be responsible for them. If I had it my way, I'd only date men with no children, but as I get older, that choice is becoming more difficult. There are five issues that women who don't want to have children run into that can either make them run and be done or stay and cooperate.

Does He Still Desire The Mother of His Child(ren)?

As soon as I meet a man, I usually ask him when was the last time he and the mother of his child(ren) were intimate. I'm sure that's pretty personal to ask a man that I just met, but time is short, and I don't have the patience to sit around wondering when I can always ask. I've always run into guys who absolutely despise the mother of their child(ren) and the expression I get is that of smelling a skunk. However, there are some women who don't luck out that way. I've had a buddy or two who always felt uncomfortable around the mother of her beau's child(ren). It's a difficult thing to do when a woman is forced into knowing that no matter what, this other woman will always be a part of your new beau's life. If you cannot handle that, don't waste that man's time. Don't make him choose between you and the woman and definitely don't make him choose between you and his child. Not only is it disrespectful, but no child should have to suffer through some new woman's jealousy. If you see that the mother of his child(ren) still has feelings for him and wants to get back together, make it very clear to him that you would prefer those two not be together unless for the sake of the child. Flat out, he couldn't escape the mother of his child(ren) if he wanted to, but if he really likes you, he will be willing to try to make you feel as comfortable as possible under those situations. It's necessary for that man to have a talk with the mother of his child(ren) to make it perfectly clear that he will not be straying back to her. If he refuses to do so, I'd raise an eyebrow at that guy. Maybe he'll ask you to come along to his child(ren)'s events to ensure that there is nothing funny going on. Maybe you and the mother of his child(ren) can become if not friends civil and get past that barrier. But there must be a mutual respect between you two that there should be no triangles going on.

Is He Trying To Make You Have Future Children?

I went out with a guy a couple of years ago that I finally told to get his ears checked. No matter how many times I said I never desired children, he for some reason thought that he'd change my mind. No such luck. He had a son and wanted a daughter badly. I don't dig how kids come out. I think women got a bum deal and, if I can avoid pain, I'll try my best to do so. And again, I'm not responsible enough nor am I ready for children. If you meet a man who wants you to have children even if you don't want to, break it off. It's not fair to him to sit around trying to convince you to marry into an 18 plus year relationship with someone you don't want to, and he should be able to move on to someone who does. A friend of my mother's divorced her husband because he was so set on having a son. She had two daughters and simply did not want to have future children. He wanted her to continue having children until he finally got a son. After they divorced, he dated and married another woman who he got pregnant. Do you know what they ended up having? Another girl. Men sometimes don't know the emotion, strength, pain, and discipline that a woman has to go through when pregnant or just motherhood period. Motherhood is not easy, and I don't have to be a mother to see that, so it blows me away to meet men who act like it's like joining a bowling league. You can't just walk away when the going gets tough. Well, actually you can, but you would've really messed up a child's head for doing such a thing.

Will He Have Time For Me?

Time management for a man with children always goes back and forth with me. One of my most interesting dates was going out with a past boyfriend and his son to the zoo. I'm a vegetarian who hates zoos, but it appealed to his son, and I enjoyed seeing how amused this two-foot tall person was at the site of monkeys, so it was fun. I was mistaken for his mother a couple of times, but I was prepared for that and politely smiled. If you and the child click and he really likes you, you three can always spend time together sometimes and just you two other times. I've dated guys who usually have set days when they are with their children, set free days, but recently I met a guy who works nights when I work days and has his child on weekends. Pretty much, he really doesn't have time for a woman in his life, and I'm curious how he'll pull this one off, but I doubt it'll work. Sometimes a motherless woman just has to face facts. Don't try to be in competition with a man and his child(ren). You'll always be second best. Suck it up, get past it, and respect that man for wanting to take care of his child(ren). But if you see yourself being neglected constantly and it doesn't appear that the relationship is going anywhere, remove yourself from that situation. It is better to be in a relationship or date a man who is willing to make time for both. If he cannot, he doesn't need to date until he can.

What If I Don't Like His Child(ren)?

This is probably the most difficult decision to make when dating a man with children. As stated previously, I like children as long as they're someone else's. When my brother had two sons, I constantly wanted to hug them, hold them, play with them, and know what was going on in their lives. I smile when my phone rings and it's one of them going "Hey Monnie!" When my best friend gave me the title of being her son's godmother, I was overjoyed. I am absolutely smitten with my godson. There are not enough photos I can have of him. It's entertaining watching him grow up, walk, talk, have thought-provoking conversations at about age 6 (when he told me "I'm concerned about..." I was tickled), and I like hanging out with him when she's in town. If I had it my way, he'd always be around. There are times when she wants to have time on her own, and I whine about, "How come he can't come too?" But this is not me regularly. My mother calls me a picky baby lover. While I may jump at the idea of seeing my godson, hanging out with 90% of children I meet isn't an appealing idea of mine. There are some women who immediately like all children, and there are other women (like myself) who have to have a child grow on her. Men are protective of their child(ren) around new women, so take it as a compliment when he wants you to meet his bundle of joy. Up until now, I've never dated a guy who had a daughter. Sons are much easier to hang out with, in my opinion. As long as they have room to flip around, run a car across a floor, speak in a loud volume without being reprimanded, and can play, sons are cool. Daddies' girls tend to develop a protective side with their fathers. When I was small, I was the ultimate daddy's girl. My smile widened on Wednesdays to come home for school lunch and have chicken noodle soup, crackers, and my father meeting me at the door with oldies like the Temptations playing in the background. It was our time to hang out alone, sing offkey, and to talk his ear off. Had my parents not been married and me not also being crazy about my mother, I'd have probably groaned at the idea of another woman possibly taking my father's attention from me.

Women without children have to be ready for this ordeal. Whenever you finally meet the child(ren), make an attempt to connect with him/her. Be weary of their time schedule versus yours, so plans with the child(ren) won't be canceled because you're around. Again, humble yourself into knowing that a father will more than likely always regard his child(ren) first. But I won't deny that there are some ridiculously bad children who could use some discipline badly and have no home training whatsoever. Sometimes even the child you like can get on your last nerve and show out. If you date a man who no matter how bad his child is refuses to discipline them, you two have different views on parenthood, and he's not willing to budge, move on. Again, there's no point in trying to take over as the mother when that child already has a mother. If the father of the child is not willing to cooperate with you and that's his child, you really have no right to start telling him what he needs to do because, if the tables were turned, you would not want him dictating what he wants you to do.

If I Break Up With Him, Will I Lose My Relationship with the Child?

I got into a huge argument with my best friend once and she basically told me that if she and I weren't friends, I wouldn't get to see my godson. That was the first time I'd ever connected with fathers in my life. How does one maintain a relationship with a child if she and the parent(s) cannot get along? Luckily for me, she and I were cool weeks later. But had this happened between me and a guy I was dating, I'd have been just as pissed off about it. Child(ren), if they like you, tend to cling to a person. When that person is removed from their lives, sometimes they think it's their fault. This situation has to be handled between you and your past significant other. It's his child, so he's really free to let you see or not see the child at any point and time until the child is old enough to come see you him/herself. Until then, try to be diplomatic about the situation. If you really enjoy being a part of the child(ren)'s life but no longer want to be a part of his life, try to reach common ground. Maybe you've lucked out and become friends with the mother of his child, so you can see the child that way. Maybe you and the guy can be platonic friends, and you'll still get to be in the child's life. Or maybe it's just better that if you two cannot be in a relationship, it's ideal to separate so there will be no future confusion with his next relationship or you possibly trying to rekindle something that wasn't meant to be there.

In the End

A woman who does not want children or does not currently have children must remember three key ideas: 1) Don't try to compete with a child's time. You'll lose. 2) Don't make it harder for him by bringing drama to the mother of his child or drama to yourself by tolerating drama from the mother of his child. If you three cannot have a positive relationship, remove yourself from the situation. 3) Don't bend your life to fit his own. If you don't want children, stick to it. In the end, you and him may not be together, but that child will be around for life. Make sure you're ready for such a big step before you cross it.