Children and Divorce

Several critical issues are thrown up by a messy divorce, and children are undoubtedly the most hapless victims. As parents, we should at least try to reduce the stress they go through by ensuring that their lives don't become so radically different.

Bird Nesting

Continuing to live in the home they grew up in is important for emotional and physical well-being of children. This will give them some sense of security, and stability, because they won't be forced to leave their 'nest'.

'Bird Nesting' is an innovative way to make this happen. It is a child custody arrangement in which the children stay where they are, and the divorced parents take their turns living in the marital home with them. While some studies show that children are not really affected by post-divorce variables, others say that they are. Whatever may be the case, it is easier to be safe than sorry.

In the Bird Nesting alternative, the marital home is shared by the parents, and each one has a separate apartment for the times when it is the other parent's turn with the kids.

Obviously, it won't be an easy move for the parents. It requires compassion and putting the children first. Few couples, however, manage to continue with Bird Nesting since they find it inconvenient to travel between two homes. But if you expect the children to do the traveling in a normal custody arrangement, why can't you?

Be aware of the setbacks of this arrangement. What if the parents remarry or start dating? Will they be able to spend time away from their new partners? What if they are offered a better job that takes them farther away from the nest? Will they give it up for the sake of the kids?

The younger child will need the home base to feel secure, while a teenager might rebel against the constant goings and comings of his parents. A teenager can be extremely critical of divorce, and will probably blame the parent that has initiated the divorce.

In the end, the success of bird nesting or any other co-parenting plan depends on the relationship between the divorced parents. Psychologists say that children adjust well if their parents get along well.

Grandparents and Divorce

In Britain, grandparents can often be the hidden victims of divorce. For them, there is no such thing as visitation rights, and yet they are important as nurturers and have the time to spend with their grandchildren.

In 2003, Gillian Douglas and Neil Ferguson, of Cardiff Law School, reported that grandparents in Britain had been 'derecognized by the law' with the 1989 Children's Act. Until then, they had the right to seek access in the case of a divorce.

In May 2009, campaigners demanded that grandparents be allowed to visit their grandchildren without going to court for permission.

Families Need Fathers, The Grandparents' Association and Family Matters Institute said the role grandparents can play must not be ignored.

Remember how you doted on your grandparents as a child, and how much you learned from their wisdom and how you were nurtured by their compassion? Ensure that your children can continue to spend happy times with your parents. It will help them to feel less torn apart.

Custody of Pets

Research suggests that the squabbles of divorcing couples over money and children are increasingly being replaced by legal battles over the custody of pets. A survey in the UK reveals that judges are beginning to recognise the role pets play in break-ups.

Why? Because people get attached to their pets and if you want to be nasty, you can use the pet as a weapon. But an animal is not a piece of property. It can be your best friend. Think of the children who are bearing the brunt of your divorce. Allow them the stress-busting comfort of a pet, and prevent the profound pain they will invariably feel if they are separated from the animal.

Although this trend has come to Britain from the US where celebrities like Drew Barrymore battle for the custody of their pets, it is not at all surprising. A pet, after all, is considered as part of the family. You are never alone when you live with a pet.

If your pet becomes an issue between you and your ex, think of what is best for the animal. Let your heart rule over your head, and settle the matter with your ex in a decent way because taking it to court will probably hurt everyone concerned. Keep in mind that joint custody where a pet is shared by the couple will stress out the animal and might even make it schizophrenic. Let the pet go where the children go. Mental-health experts say that a 'transitional object' that follows the children provides great comfort and stability.

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said that a society is recognised by the way it treats its animals.

Keep all this in mind and you can save your children from the consequences of a messy divorce.