Children of Divorce: Helping to Maintain Their Holiday Cheer

With over one million children each year being affected by divorce, separation, or being the subject of child custody disputes between their parents the holidays can be a trying year-to-year experience. In an intact dysfunctional family unit that has not broken up yet, there is often some unspoken truce during certain holidays that allow the children some respite from the day-to-day chaos between their parents. However, after the break-up has occurred, the truce often times is called off because of the residual hard-feelings that feuding parents have with one another, before letting go of the animosity and moving on with parenting. If the truce occurred during the dysfunctional marriage, it makes sense that these same parents can maintain the peace at least during the holidays for the benefit of their children.

In the book Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations¹, authored by attorney Michael Mastracci, he touches on the Christmas holiday, parenting plans, and custody stating:

For children, Christmas can be even worse when parents break up the day. It is like a rollercoaster with highs and lows coming after the other. Imagine the young happy child who gets up and has all sorts of fun enjoying new gifts and now he must rush to leave all of his stuff behind. As parents we want to spend every holiday with our children, but is it really their emotional highs we are concerned about, or our own? We need to let them be children.

Author Mastracci, in his first sentence, sounds like he was describing the very demands that I experienced from my own ex around every holiday. The children were not allowed to enjoy a full holiday on a reasonable alternating schedule and that very well may be largely attributed to his last two sentences in the paragraph that seem to resonate with me the most. I pose the question to parents " is it really their own emotional highs that they are concerned with or their children's?" I notice regularly that parents will substitute and interject their own feelings as if they are their children's and declare that their point of view is the right one by making plans on behalf of their children to the detriment of their holiday with the other parent.

Speaking with mental health professionals, parenting coordinators, parenting coaches, and everyone in-between about children and the holidays there seems to be some agreement that "establishing new traditions" is an essential component to moving past the divorce and focusing on the children, but making sure that the children are able to enjoy a complete holiday with at least one parent is something to think about especially when there may be existing hard-feelings that continue between the parents. After all why should a child have to witness animosity and anxiety by being rushed between two feuding parents, let alone having to quickly eat two or three full holiday meals between the shuffles occurring in the same day?

As a parent of divorce, it is time to think about allowing children to be exactly that, children, free from the adult concerns and dissonance. Consider the possibility of ensuring that custody exchanges occur on neutral territory without the anxiety and disharmony that may exist between the parents. Childless holidays are no doubt a time of change, anxiety, and sometimes even loneliness as a parent that has always been there for their children. Contemplate the effects of imposing negative feelings on your children and instead allow them the opportunity to experience their own holiday cheer. As Michael Mastracci stated in his book "let them be children" and to expand on the idea I say, don't make them choose sides.