Children Left Behind When A Mom Dies

Losing your mom at any age can be devastating, but just imagine being a child or teenager. This is the woman who gave you life, fed you, diapered you and encouraged your first word and first step. She played with you, read to you, taught you right from wrong and was there for you every step of the way. I've heard it said that there is nothing that compares to a mother's love.

Children need their mothers, which is probably why divorce courts award primary custody to women in most cases. This isn't meant to be a slam on all the great fathers out there. Children fare best in a loving home with both parents. This brings me to an issue that most people don't want to think about. The issue of the children left behind when a mother dies at a young age.

My sister was 13 and I was 17 when my mom died suddenly in 1971. It was exactly 1 month to the day before my high school graduation. We had dinner, my dad left to do a little fishing and she got a terrible headache. A few minutes later she was unresponsive and 7 hours later she was dead from a stroke. The next week was a blur to me, but after the funeral I realized that I wasn't a carefree, young girl anymore. I was now an adult who was responsible for cooking, cleaning and shopping. I had to help my dad anyway I could and that included taking care of my little sister. It was hard; I can't tell you how many meals I burned or how many times I washed the clothes and everything came out light blue or pink because I didn't realize that you need to separate items by color. My next door neighbor helped me as much as she could, but she had her own family to take care of. Somehow the 3 of us survived, but it wasn't easy.

My own life experience made me realize that most people don't know what to do or how to help when a friend or family member dies suddenly and leaves behind minor children. First, don't assume that the oldest child who will be taking on most of the responsibility knows how to do everything. Ask if they know how to use the washer, dryer and stove. Bring a few easy recipes and show them how to prepare them. Offer to take them grocery shopping with you and show them how to shop for a family. Show them how to write a check and balance a checkbook. Don't assume they know how to run a vacuum cleaner or know how to stack a dishwasher. Ask questions and then demonstrate the "how to".

Dads are sometimes clueless when it comes to a young girl's needs. If a girl is entering puberty, take her shopping to be fitted for a bra. Demonstrate how to use a tampon or pad. Explain puberty and all the feelings that come with it. If they want to talk about their mom, encourage it and always tell them that their mom was the best and loved them very much. Be generous with hugs and be a good listener. You will never replace their mother, but believe me, they will love you forever. Most of all, let them know you are there for them both emotionally and physically.

The children left behind when a mom dies are going through a very emotional and hard time. They need all the help they can get, especially in the first year. Don't be afraid of what to say or what not to say. Just be there.