Children Moving Back Home

A variety of reasons create the situation of two families living in one house. No matter how good the relationship between the two families, the closeness can lead to conflict. It is becoming more and more prevalent, in the current economy, that adult children are moving back in with their parents, often bringing with them their spouse and children. This multiplies the potential conflict. Obviously, parents love their children and grandchildren and are loathe to say no, when their child is in need of help. However, even the most loving parent can be pushed to their limits, by children who take advantage of that love. The longer the child has been on his or her own, the more issues the parents may face. Here are some strategies for survival.

Think about how life will change and set down some rules for both sides of the relationship. After all, this is your home now and the child-and his or her family-are essentially long term houseguests. Rules about boundaries (especially for children) are essential. If it is known upfront that you consider your bedroom private and you don't want others to intrude on that space, it is less likely you will have issues with it. Why? Because you set the rule upfront and you have the right to expect its enforcement. If you know that your daughter is not an especially good housekeeper and you are, you may want to establish some standards for what you expect from the space she and her family will occupy. Timeframes are also good things to clarify, i.e., between 4:00 and 6:00 pm dinner is to be made, eaten and the kitchen cleaned or between 1:00 and 2:00 pm each afternoon is quiet time (you like to take a nap). Some expectations surrounding how long the dual arrangement will be in place should be set. They will be with you until they get another job or until they recover from financial losses, or when they can find suitable housing.

Once you have your rules set out in writing, have a sit down with your child-and their spouse-to discuss them. Work through any issues, develop compromises as necessary and make an agreement to revisit the rules periodically to see how they are working and agree to adjustments as needed. This is a good time to allow your child to request rules from their perspective, i.e., "...my husband and I don't want you in our room." It is critical that the two parties be able to talk to each other. Any relationship is kept in balance by effective communication. When the communication breaks down, so does the relationship. Both parties should have a copy of the rules, so no one can say... "you didn't tell me that." Ensure that your daughter or son, in conjunction with his or her spouse, explains the rules to any children in the situation-IN YOUR PRESENCE. This eliminates any excuse that the children did not know the rules.

Though it is often a sensitive subject, money should be discussed. If your child has income, a reasonable amount of that income should come to you in the form of rent. Even if you don't need it, you should still make them pay something. It helps them understand financial responsibility and reinforces the idea that you are the landlord. If you really don't need the money, start a savings account. You can gift it to them toward their housing costs once they are back on their own. What a nice surprise! (If financial problems brought them back home in the first place, write a check payable to their landlord or mortgage company rather than give them the cash.)

It is sad to say, but once they move back in, it can sometimes be difficult to get them to move out. They can become comfortable quickly with the idea of having many of their responsibilities carried by another. It is important not to take on too many of their responsibilities. It is easy for a loving mother to become the one responsible for meals, housework and laundry, while the child "lives the good life." It is easy for a loving grandmother to become the built in babysitter-without being asked. It is easy for the grandfather to become the disciplinarian, when the parent or parents avoid the responsibility.

Try to remember that your child is an adult and as such should bear the responsibilities that come with being a grown up. Don't shelter and protect them from the realities of life, because you won't help them in the long run. You will become the enabler and they will become dependent. Recommend counseling, if your child is struggling with parenthood or divorce. It is sometimes difficult for an adult child to take advice from a parent. They don't want to be treated or feel like children and it is one more stressor on the dual relationship.

This brief article can in no way cover all potential situations that may arise inside the dual relationship of two families in one house, but it is a start and should give you some thoughts to ponder. Help them if you can, but don't sacrifice your entire life to accommodate them. Guide them, if they will let you, but don't attempt to reestablish the relationship of their childhood. No two people are alike and opinions and perspective will differ, even inside a family. Allow them to be adults, but don't allow them to take over.