Children Are Not Accessories

I've been to about seven baby showers this year alone and I have a couple more on my plate before the year is out. Some of my friends are in wonderful financial places. They have great jobs and supportive partners. Or, they're just great at being single parents. They approached their breeding, and their unintentional spawning, with thought and poise. My other friends (ok, maybe one in particular, but she's not alone) are spewing out kids like they're going out of style, without any idea on what it actually takes to raise a mini-you.

With this in mind, allow me to re-introduce you to Planned Parenthood. Before you run for the hills screaming Anti-Choice profanities at me, it might behoove you to give me a read. After all, you'll never know how right I can be unless we work together. Planned Parenthood has been unfairly demonized. They're not out to make sure every fertilized egg becomes stem-cell research (Even though that would be awesome!) and its time we set the record straight.

"But Helen, you mean they're more than just a last resort?" you may ask. I'm telling you that they should be your first stop! They offer you a number of wonderful services, payment options, and even funding if you qualify. The best thing that they can bestow upon you is knowledge. You'd be surprised at how many girls and women (guys too, they're not exempt) are clueless about their own bodies. Imagine not being able to understand that you CANNOT get pregnant when semen lands in your belly button. How about coming in to a clinic with some pain, unaware that your exclusive partner just gave you herpes? Worse yet, what if you were a middle-aged Latina woman who's never had an orgasm? That's just tragic. Planned Parenthoods of America present you with an arsenal of valuable information delivered by trained, educated people who care.

"Now Helen, how could you possibly know what you're talking about?" you retort. I used to work there. I've encountered so many different people and have experienced some of the wildest situations in my three-year stint. It was liberating to be able to explain birth control options, and really instill people with the idea that sex can be purely recreational and not just procreational. In fact, here is a partial list of great reasons to go into a clinic and postpone your baby-making:

1) You're a teenager. You can't get your emotions under control yet. It's a fact. I don't know how many times I've heard my friend's seventeen-year old sister say "I'm dead inside." No, you're not dead inside. You're just producing too many hormones all at once and you lack the discipline to "pimp-hand" yourself. It's not your fault you're too dramatic for soap operas. Don't worry, it'll pass. In the meantime, go learn how to use the pill.

2) You failed out of school. We already know that you're prone to making bad choices. Just because you made it to thirty without incident doesn't give you a free pass to breed. You're not exactly in a place to impart wisdom. Why not prove yourself mildly capable and find out about Depo-Provera?

3) You don't have a stable job. Kids are a HUGE expense. You realize, I hope, they are a minimum eighteen-year commitment. According to Money Central on MSN, the average cost of raising a newborn is approximately $7,000 a year (and thats just in the first year). Your $10,000 a year income isn't going to give you much wiggle room and no, you can't raise a baby on Top Ramen. Planned Parenthood can sign you up for government funding so you can take care of your mad reproductive skills at no cost to you.

4) Your marriage is in trouble. Its tempting to use children as band aids, but what are you going to do when the adhesive becomes dirty, gray, and cruddy? You might want to scrub the wound clean with degreaser and a brillo pad. Seek couple's counseling first because you may raise a resentful, angry, goth-dressing teen that just wants to get back at you for destroying his/her family unit via gunfire in public. Divorce is always harder on your kids than it is on you. Quit being so selfish. You can go into any clinic and acquire counseling referrals. Some Planned Parenthoods offer on-site services.

5) You're addicted to drugs. You haven't seen a sober day since you were in high school, but you think it's ok to pop out a crack baby. Do you think you're capable of treating your body like a sacred temple? Trust me, Child Services will take your kid before you even realize your water just broke. If you need help finding rehabilitation programs that will help you get off the smack, guess what else Planned Parenthood can do for you?

6) You were raised with abstinence-only as education. People are horny, it's just science. Your "pull and pray" method won't work. If you're religious, then you know God didn't want you humping in the first place. She might be mad enough to let you get pregnant. How will you explain that to your preacher parents? Seek the knowledge and once you know how your body works, you can choose to have sex or skip it altogether. Plus, the people at Planned Parenthood can draw you a detailed map on your anatomy so you can achieve maximum pleasure. How cool is that?

7) Your tax bracket sucks. We all know that the government reinforces you when you birth little tax-payers, but if that's your sole reason, maybe you should try the Intra-Uterine Device. Trust me, the tax break does not justify the minimum quarter million you'll spend on your kid throughout it's life.

8) You have an army of kids already. This one is dedicated to the aforementioned friend. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. We realize that you're fertile. At this point, you've already been there, done that. You're more likely to let your oldest raise your thirteenth baby. If that doesn't get you, think of your body. By now, it's like launching a hot dog down a hallway. You probably should have stopped at two, but since you didn't, Planned Parenthood also offers permanent sterilization.

"Sure, those are good reasons Helen, but what about the dreaded 'a' word?" you continue. You mean, Anti-Choice? Let's get one thing straight, Planned Parenthood is ninety-six percent Family Planning. That means, they are there to give you the resources to prevent an unintended pregnancy and give you the referrals for Pre-Natal care once you're ready. Sometimes, beyond anyone's control, a girl will end up pregnant and scared. That little four percent is about choice. They will provide you with a well-rounded view on continuing your pregnancy, adoption, or the last-resort alternative. I remember very clearly having an Anti-Choice, Christian woman cursing me to eternal damnation as I was holding her hand during her abortion procedure. Oh, the irony! Remember that just because they're Pro-Choice doesn't make them Anti-Life. Everyone is different and what's right for one person, isn't right for the masses. You wouldn't give diabetes patients the same treatment, would you? What if they need different insulin levels? Your universal treatment might kill someone. Even if you wish Planned Parenthood ill, they will still be compassionate toward you. Isn't it nice to have someone who will support you no matter what?