Children and Parental Independence

Everyone raises children differently, we all hope our children grow up to live long healthy lives, they go to kindergarten, first grade, high school, graduate and then on to a job and their first home right? Not for some, some children are spending their entire adult life at home and never marrying and having a family of their own.

With some families it is a harmless way of keeping the family together, step by step we help them establish themselves in the big world. We may help them with a months rent here and there, or help out with a utility or two, but ultimately they must be able to budget and pay for these household expenses on their own. These children will be fine, they are just doing what comes natural, calling on parents to help them out.

The ones that concern me are the ones that don't move out period. I have witnessed it here in my home town. The adult male was in his fifties when the father passed away. The mother and son continued to live in the same household until she died. This man now has visiting nurses and constant care takers. He can not manage on his own, he has become incapable of going out of the house. His health has went down hill because his mother is not there his every waking moment doing things for him as if he were a small child. This lifestyle has shortened his quality of life significantly. He is totally lost with out her.

There is another family with four adult boys, all of them still in the household, all contribute paychecks and mother rules the roost. She is a control freak. What will these men do without her when she is gone, they will not be able to function as normal, independent adults. They each go to work everyday, with the lunch that mother packed for them. They wear the clothes that mother purchased and washes for them, they all go home each night and eat the meal that mother cooked for them. Mother, I know you love your children but give me a break here. You are doing them no good at all. The youngest is 23 and still has no driver's license or no desire to get them because mother will drive him to work.

It is almost disabling in some cases, a child must learn to make their own decisions, run their own households and live their own lives. It is unfair and quite honestly not healthy for a child to be deprived of independence.

Is it a fear of empty nest syndrome, parents suffer through this when adult children leave home. It is OK to visit the bedroom, go to a favorite place or watch a movie that you shared with your child. This can be a healthy transition for the parent as well as the child. It is time for you to become the friend of the adult you raised. To cherish your masterpiece, to assist them in becoming a self sufficient adult. It is time to move on and enjoy your life past your role as a parent.

Independent children turn into independent adults, sure they will make mistakes, but this is how we grow and learn. You will be proud of every milestone your adult child accomplishes if given the chance. You can celebrate every accomplishment and mourn every loss, but make sure you have given your children room to breath and exhale. Don't be smothering it is not good for either of you. You will have the chance to be involved in a child's life again, your grandchildren!

This post is written because I have seen the consequences of what keeping children at home through out adulthood can do, unless your gonna live forever, it is not fair to your child or the rest of the world that has them to deal with once your gone.