Children Need to Be Protected from the Cross Fires of Divorce

In the midst of divorce, parents often lose sight of the way their children are feeling. I know this well from personal experience. My parents divorced, not once, but three times. Their last divorce was what society labels a "nasty" one. They not only fought over everything they had acquired in 25 years but also tried to force my siblings and I into choosing sides. Fortunately for me I was married and out of the house, but my brother and sister were not so lucky.

My parents may have came out of the divorce thinking they got everything wanted but the effects on us, the children, were more long lasting than they could have imagined. I watched my parents tear apart our life, as we had known it. Today, as I think back to that time of destruction there are some things that really stand out in my mind.

Assure your children that they are loved by both parents. Don't shake that basic foundation just because you or your partner can no longer tolerate your relationship. Children have been taught to love and show love, now they are seeing that sometimes people stop loving one another. What a confusing time for them. Allthough you should not explain the specifics to them, you must try, in some way, to help them understand that they, your precious children, can never stop being loved.

Never, under any circumstances, say negative things about the other parent to your children. No matter how hurt or angry you may be, don't do it. This will tear them apart inside. Children should be allowed to love both parents without having to deal with adult issues. Be fair to them. If you feel you must vent, go to an adult, away from your children.

Avoid arguing, both in person and on the phone, in front of your children. You are speaking to someone they love and it hurts and confuses them to hear the things you are saying.

Assure your children that they are not to blame for your breakup. Because children are not mature enough to truly understand what is happening they naturally begin to look for a cause. And, because they are egotistical they often feel it is something they may have said or done.

Do not drag your children into court to strengthen your cause. You are forcing them to choose sides and will only bring them hurt and resentment. A child should never be placed in that position.

Make your children feel secure with their living arrangements. Suddenly not living with the other parent feels like abandonment to a child. They often feel a great sense of loss or even guilt. Explain to them that they must physically live with one parent but that they have full access to the other whenever they feel the need. Put your personal feelings aside and encourage them to spend as much time with the non-custodial parent as possible.

Divorce is definitely a life-altering even for everyone involved. And parents, remember - your children ARE involved. Try to put away all the hurtful, resentful feeling you have towards your spouse for the sake of your children.