Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard

The things your parents said (or perhaps still say) may ring in your head forever. Some words so kind...and some are just words. But no matter the legacy, it is sure that generational differences will indeed effect generations to come - including all words spoken.

I think of all the things my parents taught me, all the sentences uttered repeatedly - so cliche. So many, I duplicate without even thinking, with my own children, for it is engrained. Then, there are those things, those phrases that have slipped. Perhaps I do not believe as my parents believed. Perhaps we are more "educated." Or maybe, it is that we are simply not as sound, not a strong as a generation just once before. But "sure as shootin'", there are 4 common phrases and attitudes that are almost non-existent in parenting today.

Your Teacher is Right

Working a small business in a highly tourist, family oriented area, I run across parents daily. It is surprising how many parents opt for private school because they claim they could never send their kid to public school in their city - and I believe it. The education is lacking or the school isn't safe...and teachers are caught right in the middle.

We care so much about education, but public school teachers are required to do so much more than they were 20 years ago and often with so much less. These days, there seems to be more paperwork and parent meetings than teaching. Between mainstreaming and the growing number of IEP's has a whole new aspect of tracking and catering. Resources are being cut and class sizes are growing. Teachers are multi-purposed and serve as traffic cops, lunch duty, bus duty, librarian, secretary and so much more. With an overload of demands, it is possible they are spread too thin and in some cases wrong or not devoting enough to one thing.

However, in my experience, most teachers have a great heart for kids and want what is best for them. They will go the extra mile for a child on conviction alone. But it requires more. In many cases, too much and as a result parents may draw the sword, demanding more in defense of their child. It communicates an incompetency on the teacher that may not be an accurate picture, but certainly communicates something to our children as we take up arms.

There was a time when teachers were always right. It is a lost attitude in homes today. Today, parents are promoting an attitude of entitlement in the public schools and children are watching. No one is saying, "I don't care what happened, listen to the teacher."

I am not sure this is a win for a parent today because of the message it sends to our children is to question authority. (And sometimes authority does need to be questioned.) Nevertheless, it is in the name of "protection" and "rights" and delicate to argue. Sadly, it may have nothing to do with the teacher...the front man. It could be the curriculum or administration or the rights teachers have in their own classroom that have been stripped. Sometimes, I am not even convinced they think what they are doing is "right." If given a chance, they may teach totally differently - but their standards are set to overload.

Were the old timer's on to something - insisting respect for the teacher as opposed to disdain and more personalized demands? It is hardly a fair question to ask. Fair or not, this attitude is not something our children will know first hand in 2010.

I'll Give You Something to Cry About

"He just needs a nap." That is what parents say today to excuse all manner of poor behavior. I know, because that is what I say and have said for years. This statement excuses anyone under the age of 7, in my opinion. In my husband's opinion, what I would like to call "old school," the "nap" card is like a get-out-of-jail-free card. We disagree.

But when I lie in bed at night and replay the scene that caused marital discord, I realize that I have heard what he is talking about. My parents used to say it, "If you cry, I will give you something to cry about." No mercy. This is like the days of old where they read Grimm's Fairy Tales as bedtime stories...horrifying to a modern parent (me included! Have you ever picked up Grimm's? Far worse than cable.) Still, we see a whole lot of catering and excusing and the "hard" road for kids has become a discussion.

Now, we are ever aware of child physiology. We want to protect the esteem of children and this is good. But I cannot help but wonder if the trend of catering to a toddler doesn't translate to a child feeling self-entitlement as a pre-teen and generate serious conflict as a full on teenager. I am sure it does because in this softness can be a loss of boundary. Who is really in charge?

So, do I want to give my children something to cry about? Heck no. I want them to be happy and cushy and have no bad feelings ever. But honestly, to take my husbands side, it may not be equipping them for success.

If a child is not allowed to whine at the age of three, there will be no question who is in charge at the age of seven, when manifestation comes crystal clear to a parent. Yet, this attitude is eluding parents everywhere. The "Golden Calf" American Children are dictating when and where they will whine and cry and all seems to be tolerated or excused.

Children Should be Seen and Not Heard

If you are a parent, no matter how progressive, you have thought this before. Perhaps you have not said it to your child, as our parents may have said to us. But, the real question comes, "Why not?" Parents don't believe it anymore. I am not sure where this changed in time, but kids take the floor in so many homes and parents are left scraping for talk time, free time...their time - in their own home! Me included.

Education on psychology has no doubt led to this phenomenon in the last 30 years and I am not sure it is all bad. But in ways, the loss of this dictator like placement of roles (illustrated in this statement "Children should be seen and not heard) has created a different generation. It has created a louder generation that is coming out of the gate as an equal to their parent, perhaps too soon - before maturity and experience can back it up. Stronger voices yes. But true confidence/security still lies in question without authority in a home.

Eat It or You Will Sit There All Night

If you are not this parent, then you probably know one. The parent of the child that will eat only 5 things and if it isn't one of those 5 things, this kid doesn't eat. Oh yes, there was a time parents demanded that their child eat or they wouldn't leave the table. Can you imagine? No. Most of us cannot imagine. Yet the old phrase is almost cliché, it is so well known.

I have four kids that will eat or at least try anything. I have no earthly idea how I managed that. But there was a time I think my son lived on Dinty Moore Beef Stew. I kid you not, every night...Beef Stew. And why argue it? It was full of green beans and meat and carrots. But he is older now and he'll eat anything. So, I say to myself, "Who cares?" He obviously grew out of it. And honestly, I believe kids do grow in and out of eating trends. Hey, if it isn't bad for them...what harm is it really causing? I can think of a couple...

Some would say it establishes authority to make a child eat. Some would say it isn't healthy for a child to have the same three things over and over. Some would say it doesn't matter. In the end, the biggest adjustment is the drain on the accommodating parent and the silent message that a 2 - 7 year old is dictating what is going on in the house. It can be exhausting. And I do think that parents need to be reminded that children do not love you less if you make them eat or at the very least TRY something new.

It is true that children will not starve. They will eventually eat what is set before them. Sometimes it is a test of will and I think parents need to win the "will" competition.

I recall driving through McDonalds as a child. My dad would allow us to order one thing for breakfast. I think it was a budget issue. My sisters would get pancakes, eggs, or a sandwich. At the time, I hated all of that. So, I would get a hash brown. I always felt totally slighted because it was so small compared to their choice. But I never questioned my father. I didn't love him less. He let that be my choice and I chose not to eat. Did I hate that? Yes. Did I hold it against him forever? Oh my gosh, no. In this, my father was not inconvenienced. He did not accommodate me. He let me choose. He kept his budget right where he wanted it. He was totally in control.

I wonder if he ever looked in the review mirror and thought, "Awe...she got jipped, poor dear." But I don't wonder too long because I know my father. He may have looked in the mirror, but there was no mercy and he didn't carry guilt. I swear, if one of my kids hated their meal today, I would feel bad for hours thinking, "Have mine." Or "I bet you're hungry, let's stop for something." And I am convinced it isn't healthy - for ME. Where Oh Where have these attitudes gone? Where oh where can they be?

Funny, all of these attitudes are a breath away, a generation away. Isn't it the most thought provoking thing to consider, "What if my parents were right all along?" Personally, it makes me sick to my stomach and then again, it makes me love them more...because though it all may be disappearing from our recent memories as we raise our own kids - it had merit beyond time.