Children's Literature May Be My Problem

You know, I think when I was growing up, my parents should have been a little more concerned about exposing me to violence and meanness. These days I hear people worrying a lot about the impact of violence on TV and in video games, and I'm not so sure that their concerns are not valid. I mean, maybe I might be a little different if I had not had as much exposure as I did.

One time in particular that I remember was when I was young and read this book about fairy tales. Talk about some scary stuff. There was this one story about a stepmother who actually took her children out into the woods and tried to ditch them. That right there is enough to traumatize a child, especially if Mom tries to leave them with a babysitter. But on top of that, they had to deal with this other old lady out there living in the woods who tried to get them in the oven so she could have dinner. And let me tell you, there's wasn't but one place setting on that table.

And then take Cinderella. If ever a kid got stuck with a lousy stepmother, it was that poor child. That ole woman made her scrub floors and wait on those lazy stepsisters all the time. And then she gets her one big night out, and not only does she have to leave the party just as things are getting interesting, but she even loses one of her shoes. Looks like that fairy godmother could have at least given her a pair of glass slippers that fit. And who in the world runs around in shoes made out of glass anyway? One good jump down from that pumpkin carriage and splat, she's got glass shivers all in her feet. The old woman must have been getting on the downhill side by that night.

Now, Goldilocks, there's another strange story where bears live in houses and eat porridge. I can't see much reason to be afraid of those bears. I mean, how tough can they be if they're not tearing an animal limb from limb? And where is this kid's parents? Here she is, this little wisp of a girl, out roaming around the woods alone.

Then there was this young girl who pricked her finger on a spinning wheel or something and went to sleep for a hundred years. Oh, yeah, Sleeping Beauty was her name. It took the kiss of a handsome prince to wake her up. I'm sure there are a lot of women who wish they could wake up to the kiss of a handsome prince rather than that same ole codger they went to sleep with the night before. Apparently, all princes were handsome back in those days. But I ask you, how beautiful can this girl be? I mean, she slept for a hundred years. Me, I sleep for six or seven hours, and I look like death warmed over in the morning.

One of my favorites, though, was about this girl named Rapunzel. Now, there's sticking a name on a kid that's going to give her trouble through school. I forget exactly why, but she was locked up in this high tower. Probably another stepmother problem. Anyway, this handsome prince comes along and wants to climb up there and get her, but apparently he doesn't own a rope or a ladder, because he tells her to let down her hair, so he can climb up. I don't think so. I don't know how much he weighed, but that's a lot of tugging on your scalp.

It wasn't all bad, though, because this one girl met a little man who could actually turn straw into gold. It did make me a little nervous that I might meet an ugly little man named Rumplestilsken. But at least, I was prepared because I had also read about Jack and the giant, so I knew the best thing would be to take the money and run.

Okay, so we've got theft, cannibalism, poisoning and child abuse. No wonder I'm so warped.