Chinese Fortune Cookies from a Pessimist

Feeling pessimistic these days? Why not? Unemployment is high and the Gulf of Mexico is brimming with oil. Here are ten fortune cookie sayings from a pessimist.

1. The next cup of coffee that you will be drinking may contain Gulf oil.

2. Face it, you're going to get pink slipped today.

3. You are about to receive a present from Uncle Sam, a nice big letter that you are being audited.

4. Skip dieting. You're never going to lose weight.

5. The rip in the bottom of your pants is about to expand five times over.

6. Don't bother with plastic surgery. Nothing will fix that nose.

7. Your affair is about to be exposed. Kiss your marriage goodbye.

8. The flooding in your basement isn't the worst thing in the world. Sorry, your roof is about to collapse.

9. That shaking and rolling you are about to feel isn't from a casino. Can you spell the word EARTHQUAKE?

10. Good news! You are about to get a raise. Oops, that's a raise in your medical premium. I guess that makes it bad news.