Chinese Missile Destroys Satellite

Last week, China destroyed a satellite with an earth-launched missile. U.S. government officials have confirmed the test that promises to undermine the sneakers-for-dollars relationship that has been so carefully cultivated between East and West.

National Security Council spokesman S.H.H. Hush confirmed that a ground-based, medium-range missile nicked a state-of-the-art (circa. 1999) Chinese weather satellite 537 miles above the Earth. The missile carried a payload of gunpowder from multiple fireworks production sites, but destroyed the satellite by simply ramming it. "Chinese scientist have reportedly not master the art of the really, really, really long fuse," Hush said.

The Chinese Feng Yun 1C (FY-1C) polar-orbit weather satellite was molested by an anti-satellite system launched from or near the Xichang Space Center. Xichang is also the home of the Chinese Space Camp. Unlike its American counterpart in Huntsville Alabama where children spend a week training to be astronauts, children at Chinese Space Camp are chained to machines for a week of rocket-parts assembly.

An anonymous U.S. NSA official currently residing at 458 Baxter Ln., Arlington VA, said the event was the first successful test of the missile after three failures. The same anonymous source, initials B.R. who eats lunch every Wednesday at Tony's Pizza on 8th St. said, "The first three tests did not achieve orbit, but the resulting fireworks were a welcomed diversion from building rockets for the children of the Xichang region."

U.S. satellite tracking confirmed that the Chinese satellite is no longer in orbit and the collision produced hundreds of pieces of debris. The United States filed a formal diplomatic protest and is demanding the Chinese clean up the orbital mess. Other nations, such as Canada and Australia, have made their concerns known. The Japanese government said the whole event is "vely wollisome." Britain has complained about potential damage from the debris and the lateness of the delivery from Chang's Takeaway. Prime Minister Blair said, "The chop suey was cold and the rice stale. Next time we shall use the takeaway on Reginald St."

Under pressure, the Chinese government is planning a clean up mission. The vehicle design will consist of hundreds of automated chop sticks each equipped with small rockets. Once deployed, the chop sticks will clamp onto the fragments and push them into a lower orbit. The orbit will eventual decay and the fragments will burn up harmlessly in the atmosphere.

President Bush voiced his dismay at the planned approach saying, "Them chop sticks are useless. You just end up chasing the last few pieces around the plate. The small ones are a bugger bear and sometimes they even shoot right out after you got them if you press too hard." Bush went on to express his concerns over shirt and tie stains, but reporters got bored and walked away. White House spokesman Tony Snow said that President Bush failed to notice and continued taking questions from the squirrels on the South Lawn for about 2 hours.

The U.S. is designing its own mission based on fork technology. NASA official, Cul N. Nary explained, "The fork design will impale the larger pieces and be able to mash the smaller ones so they stick to the bottom of the fork." Clean up is estimated at 100%.