Choose Bridesmaids Wisely

First, decide how many attendants you want to have in the party; involve your husband-to-be in this decision. Decide whether you want to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. If not, how will they be paired? Do you want twice as many bridesmaids? Does symmetry matter to you? How many groomsmen will he have? The final number will, of course, be determined by who you actually want to invite to stand with you, but prior to making promises to friends and relatives, at least set some goals. Consider the size of the church and the estimated size of the guest list; a parade of six bridesmaids looks ridiculous against a guest count of 50. Two bridesmaids would look miniscule standing at the front of a grand cathedral.

Another note at this point: keep your mouth shut. In all your engagement excitement, don't make promises to friends you'll later regret. A few people may even ask if they'll be included or hint that they'd like to be asked, but brace yourself and answer as vaguely and politely as possible that, in all the excitement, you haven't even begun to plan.

Step two: make a list, mentally or on paper, of anyone you might like to honor in your wedding. Don't include only potential bridesmaids, but consider young relatives, older friends, parents and stepparents, men and women. Also make a list of various roles you might include: flower girl, ring bearer, ushers, reader, singer, candle lighter, etc. See if anyone's talents naturally fit into a specific role; for instance, does your cousin sing like an angel? Plan on asking her to perform a song.

Next, decide which girls you want to include as bridesmaids. Consider not just who you are closest to currently but also whom you've known the longest length of time and which friends you're likely to stay in touch with. A wedding is not just a nice party for this part of your life; it's a celebration of your relationship, one you've been preparing for your entire life. Who can celebrate with you the most? Is there a friend you've known your whole life who used to play wedding with you in elementary school? Maybe you don't see each other daily anymore but would still like to have her participate in your real-life wedding now.

On the other hand, do you have a friend you're close to now that you don't foresee being your friend a year or two down the road. One bride asked a friend to be in her wedding but told the other bridesmaids she was "breaking up" with this friend after the wedding because the friend was childish and hateful. When you look back on wedding pictures, you'll want to at least have positive feelings about those bridesmaids you see. Think of the big picture as you choose your party.

Think also of which girls are the best choices in a practical sense. A friend who always steals the spotlight or creates drama may not be the best choice for the person to help get you through your big day. Someone who's going to sneak off with the best man before the bouquet toss or who's going to get herself smashed before you smash the cake may not be the best choices for someone to be in the spotlight. Choose someone you can count on to be responsible and help take care of details on the big day, someone who will make your day more pleasant, not more stressful. Above all, choose someone who will actually show up, unlike one bride, whose bridesmaid stopped answering her phone the week before the wedding and never showed up or called thereafter.

Consider the feelings of the girls, too. If you have a friend who, because of financial situation, absolutely won't be able to afford the dress you've picked out and the many other expenses associated with being in a wedding, you may want to be courteous by speaking with her about the matter before officially asking people so she doesn't feel obligated.

Consider, also, friends who live far away, work jobs that won't let them off the time they would need to be available, have a baby they can't be away from, or are overly shy or self-conscious about dressing up. This doesn't mean you shouldn't ask anyone in these situations; just remember that, while your wedding day is the happiest day of your life and your friends should be supportive, they have their own lives and concerns.

Weddings can be very uncomfortable for bridesmaids; they have to wear a dress someone else picks out, they have to stand for hours rehearsing, taking photos, and participating in the wedding, they have to spend an enormous amount of money, potentially, on dress, shoes, hair, nails, travel, accommodations, shower, shower gift, wedding gift, and bachelorette party. They have to get themselves and you dressed and ready. They often don't have time to enjoy the wedding festivities between taking photos, bustling your dress, getting you ready to leave, and so forth, and they have to stay and clean up after you ride off into the sunset. Nonetheless, most friends are happy to do all this. So be considerate of them in your planning. (Also, pick friends who will put up with all this gladly.)

As you make your list, take a stand on relatives. To avoid family drama, set some ground rules: no family members, only siblings, only first cousins, all first cousins between 15 and 25, and so forth. Choose whatever works for you, but be consistent. Or if there's one cousin you're especially close to, perhaps you can ask the other cousins to perform other tasks, such as guest book attendant or program hander-outer.

Decide, also, whether or not you will repay those who asked you to be in their weddings. This is absolutely not required, so decide how you feel about it. Reasonable friends should understand their invitation to you does not necessitate your invitation to them, but do consider what stand you will take in this area.

One caution: don't create your party based on appearances. You may be surprised at how well your friends clean up, especially if you choose a dress that's flattering on all your attendants. If a friend has a specific problem, such as wearing too much makeup, either talk with her about it ahead of time or work around it. Have all the girls get their makeup done. Ask if she would like to come with you ahead of time to learn some makeup tips. Ask another bridesmaid who's good at makeup to do the other girls' makeup. If your ploys don't work and she shows up on the big day with globs of pink lipstick and blue eye shadow, remember two things: everyone will be looking at you that day (and will think your natural-looking makeup is even more beautiful), and anything can be fixed with photo editing software.

As you narrow down your list, decide which person will be your maid of honor. Maybe the decision is easy; maybe it will be your sister, or maybe you're super-close with one friend. If you have a harder decision to make, consider who will be most able to perform the tasks they'll need to do, such as giving a toast, organizing a bachelorette party, and keeping up with your fiancé's wedding ring. If the maid of honor you know you want isn't capable of those tasks, let your bridesmaids know early that they may have to help pick up the slack.

When finalizing your choices, also think about how the girls will fit together. Will they all be able to get along together for a few days? Do any of them know each other? Do any of them hate each other? It's not the only consideration, but it's something to think about.

Once you've made your decision, don't forget to let the girls know. Considerate friends won't want to assume anything, so be clear. You can flat-out ask them, or you can plan something more elaborate. Tell them when the wedding will be, and make it clear that, although you're so excited for them to be a part of this day with you, you do understand if they can't do it. Get a commitment one way or the other, though.

If you have friends who are close and may have thought themselves to be bridesmaids, talk with them also. Let them know if there is something you want them to do, and try to stay positive. Make sure to reserve non-wedding planning time with them throughout the engagement so they know their friendship is still important to you. And make a point to talk with them and be excited with them when the wedding day finally rolls around.