Choosing to Be Childless
Kids Are Great, but Toys Aren't Us
Okay, then: I'm a childless, thirty-five-year-old woman in a happy, committed relationship. I've had years of practice taking care of children; each of my four older siblings has precisely 2 kids. Let's see: childless, female, 35. My biological clock ought to be waking me up at night, right?
Wrong. My partner and I are childless on purpose, and we intend to stay that way. As far as I know, we're able to conceive, although on my side of the equation, that ability may be waning as I edge toward 40. But I don't find myself panicking over the inevitable decline of my fertility. I've never seen myself as a parent, at least not with any clarity, and neither has my partner.
We're well aware that staying childless isn't considered a valid choice. We get reminded a lot of the proper order of things. Friends, family, and colleagues look at us and see a man and a woman who are clearly in love. They wonder: What's the deal? When are they going to have children?
We mostly sidestep these questions when they arise; we'd rather not have to explain our decisions around such personal issues. Yet here I am, writing an article on our childless state for the consumption of total strangers. I guess I do feel the need to explain my part in these decisions. I only wish that there were a word other than "childless." It has such a sad, pathetic connotation, like "spinster." Being childless is a state of not-having. The childless couple is defined not by what they want, but by what they lack.
I could use the term "childfree," but it just doesn't sound right, either. "Childfree" has a self-conscious, PC quality that makes the writer in me squirm. It also seems like a jab at people who do have children. Ha ha ha, we're footloose and childfree, and you're stuck with a bunch of kids. I don't want to seem as if I'm judging people who decide to have kids, any more than I want to be judged for my decision to remain childless. In my mind, reproductive choice isn't solely about legal access to abortion and birth control-that is, it's not just a matter of choosing when to have children. It's also about deciding whether one wants to become a parent. True freedom of choice would mean that we respect all decisions related to parenthood.
Deciding to stay childless isn't simple; I know I'm giving up an experience that's unlike any other. Have I imagined myself pregnant? Cuddling an infant? Hearing "Mommie" for the first time? Of course. But I can't see beyond those warm, fuzzy moments; I can't see myself doing the daily work of motherhood. I've seen my brother and sisters raise their own families, so I'm not blind to the difficulties of parenting: the exhaustion, the worry, the sometimes heavy sense of responsibility. I also recognize the joys of parenting: the way a child's face lights up when her mother enters a room, the fun and warmth of celebrating holidays and birthdays, the knowledge that you're nurturing a precious young life. The thing is, you've got to take the whole deal. The exhaustion, worry, warmth, and fun come in one package; you don't get to pick and choose.
I am childless because I don't want the whole package. I know I would love a child more than anyone or anything; I'd put her needs first. That would put an end to the way of life my partner and I have structured, one carefully designed to preserve our sense of freedom. Much as I dislike both terms, being childless for me literally means being childfree: I've chosen to forgo motherhood so that I can have other experiences instead. I know that some people are adept at combining ambitious, even adventurous lifestyles with the responsibilities of parenthood; I admire their energy and enthusiasm. What energy I have already gets divided among my partner, friends and family, my work as a writer and teacher, and myself; there's only so much to go around. I want to keep giving what I can to others while attending to my own needs.
Some would call my decision to stay childless selfish; I call it being self-aware. I know what I'm capable of accomplishing and what my limitations are. Children deserve parents who truly want to be parents, who have fully searched their souls before deciding to bring new lives into the world.
Published by Marcia Trahan
I've survived three serious illnesses--major depression, thyroid cancer, and pulmonary embolism. All three require lifelong follow-up and treatment. I call myself "The Semiprofessional Patient": Managing my... View profile
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19 Comments
Post a CommentNice article! I especially like the term childfree. So many of my friends have chosen to not have children. We are all 41-49 and have made the deliberate decision to not have kids. I romanticize about it once in a while with my husband, but not enough to change our minds. My parents were disappointed to begin with, as they were unable to have children and I am adopted and they envisioned grandchildren and all that goes with it. And the pressure of being an only child means the family "dies" with me. But my parents have come to love our dogs and cats as their grandchildren and we have turned our focus to animal rescue. We get our nurturing fix, we are not adding to human overpopulation and the crazy "consumerism" that kids embrace, and we are saving lives of those who truly appreciate it. A foster home of a different kind - and I am proud to be child free!
Thank you for this truly heart-felt and honest article. This is exactly the train of thought that I come from concerning children and my "to have or not to have" decision. Could not have said it better... you are reading my mind! 36 years old, married 11 years, five animal "babies" , I like kids, but have never wanted them...
I am 27, and I have been reasonably certain for most of my life that I don't want children. I have entertained the thought off and on throughout the years, just to consider both sides of the equation. In the end, though, I always end up concluding that I will be happier without children.
I would, however, really like to get married. I just hope I can find a nice girl who shares my wishes when it comes to children. I'm sure I can, since there are definitely more than a few people out there who either don't want kids or who could go either way on the issue.
thanks for not breeding!
Thank you so much for writing this. I've been struggling with whether to have a child or not for many many years. I always knew I wanted to be married which I have been for eleven years but as for kids, I was always unsure. Unfortunately my parents aren't any help because one wants me to and the other doesn't. Plus to top it off I'm a only child. My husband still would like to consider having at least one child but is very understanding and won't push me to have one. He has always said it is my decision and my body. At this point I'm still unsure but at least I know I'm not alone if I make the decision not have a child.
don't get me wrong I love kids, I have worked as a pediatric nurse and my sister whom Im very close to has 2 beautiful, wonderful children that I love to spend time with. Im 38 haven't had any children, and Im not so sure I want them. First of all.. Our planet is overpopulated as it is and our environment is going to hell in a handbasket. 2ND, I don't think EVERYONE needs to breed just because they can. I really hate it when people say things like " What are you going to do when you are old and have nobody to visit you .. blah..blah.. blah.. and all the other reasons YOU SHOULD have kids. Do these people realize how many elderly people sit in a nursing home or assisted living facilitiesjust waiting for their children to come and visit them(who happen to be less than 20 miles away)// i want to say... " I will depend on MYSELF as much as I can like I always have. I will laugh and love ,enjoy my solitary walks, and not be afraid of 'being alone'.
don't get me wrong I love kids, I have worked as a pediatric nurse and my sister whom Im very close to has 2 beautiful, wonderful children that I love to spend time with. Im 38 haven't had any children, and Im not so sure I want them. First of all.. Our planet is overpopulated as it is and our environment is going to hell in a handbasket. 2ND, I don't think EVERYONE needs to breed just because they can. I really hate it when people say things like " What are you going to do when you are old and have nobody to visit you .. blah..blah.. blah.. and all the other reasons YOU SHOULD have kids. Do these people realize how many elderly people sit in a nursing home or assisted living facilitiesjust waiting for their children to come and visit them(who happen to be less than 20 miles away)// i want to say... " I will depend on MYSELF as much as I can like I always have. I will laugh and love ,enjoy my solitary walks, and not be afraid of 'being alone'.
Nothing feels as sweet as putting the person in her (or his) place who rudely challenges your decision not to have kids. What should you say to these people? I've compiled ingenious responses for just about every kind of rude question or comeback. See link below. I'm childless by choice, but because I'm not married, I don't get hit with the questions or comments. But one time, a woman asked me how come I never had any kids. I simply said, "Because I've never been married."
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/703289/great_comebacks_for_questions_and_criticisms.html
I am childfree. I think the term 'childless' implies the person needs a child, that they are without one.
Please use the term "ChildFree". It is a better descriptive word.
Be Proud of who you are, ChildFree Americans!
Thank you all for your insightful comments!