Choosing to Remain Child Free: How to Let Others Know You Are Not Childless

Years ago, I would dream about what it would be like to be all grown up with my own house, a husband and six children. I even had the names of the children picked out before I had left middle school. It wasn't until I grew older that I started to realize that I did not really want children. My parents wanted grandchildren and extended family members told me that it was my duty to provide them when the time was right. I had subconsciously accepted this without really knowing how I felt about the situation. Both of my brothers were born with learning disabilities, so would not be able to get married some day and have their own children. That is why my family were so keen for me to make up for the "loss" and that is the reason why I had come up with the idea of having six children. It took me years to work this out. But when I was 18 years old I had finally made up my mind that having children simply wasn't for me. I have never had anything against children. I adore other people's children and I have enjoyed babysitting for friends in the past. I also love babies and seeing them smile, but that is not because I wish they were mine. I am quite happy to adore other people's children and then hand them back.

But try telling other people that you have decided against having children when you are 18 and see how far it gets you! I would often feel so patronized. I would be told I was too young to know my own mind and that I would change my mind when I was older. I do not recall a single person taking me seriously. When you are a teenager, people often assume you are going through a stage that you will grow out of. So even when you make profound statements about your future you may meet with disbelief. That is unless you tell them you want to go to university and study history and then work in the local museum 6 miles away from your home after graduation. That statement will meet with more approval. So why are people's reactions so different when you mention your intention to remain child free? "Childless" somehow conjures up images of "loss" and deprivation, which is a category I do not belong to. I am not infertile. I have just chosen not to use my reproductive system.

Throughout history, the notion of getting married was mainly entered into for the sole purpose of procreating and providing the next generation of people. Pressure was brought to bear on couples if they could not conceive. Infertility was invariably blamed on the woman and she would be looked upon with pity. Marriages often foundered due to infertility or a lack of a male heir. Look at Henry VIII. After six marriages, he had three children to show for it. He had felt no qualms in disposing of wives who did not fulfill their "primary" role in providing him with a male heir. It has been the same in other lands and cultures too.

Times have changed drastically in recent times. Look at China. There are well over 1 billion people in China and there is a strict one child per couple policy in place to try and prevent further overcrowding. Many couples are able to circumvent this law by going to Hong Kong and giving birth to their children there during multiple trips. Then there are people like me and my husband who have made the conscious decision to remain as we are. I met my husband when I was 19 and even before we were married we had both settled on our decision. We talked for hours about how we felt about the matter. He did not want children either. He already had a son from a previous marriage and he did not want anymore. I was happy with this. I did not think I would find a husband who felt the same as I did about not having children. Many of our friends and acquaintances are married with children and that is their choice. Some have looked at us with suspicion and asked if we had decided to have children yet, as if this is now the best time to start a family. As far as we are concerned, we started our family when we got married. The uniting of two people in marriage is the start of a new and unique family arrangement.

This does not mean that we have not met with stiff opposition since. Our first year of marriage was relatively trouble free and no one in our family pushed us to have children. They probably thought it was best to let us settle into married life. Then if two failed to materialize into three they could start to offer their suggestions. This is exactly what happened. After we had been married for a year, we started getting little hints and prods. My family were the worst. They would talk about how nice it would be to have grandchildren, at least one, but preferably two. At first, we were able to brush it off quite easily. We thought that we had dealt with it, but then it would start again at another opportunity. Why would we choose to remain "childless"? Was there a problem? I had to deal with intimate questions and even suggestions to go and see my doctor about the so-called "problem"! I was really quite angry with this interference and wondered if it would ever go away. No amount of reasoning with family members stoped their intrusive comments and advice. I had a family gathering about three years ago, consisting of aunts and uncles I had not seen in years. I was looking forward to catching up with them and getting re-acquainted. Instead, they sat me down around my dining room table and spoke to me at length about the need to have children. A cousin even said that husbands come and go (she was divorced) but children stick around! I was being bullied from all sides and it was not easy to extricate myself from the situation. I don't even remember how I did!

Now I am slightly older and hopefully wiser. I would suggest to any other couple out there who chooses to not have children to stick with their decision. Do not allow outside pressure to push you into making a decision that you do not want. Make sure you are taking a reliable form of birth control so that you do not have to face an unplanned pregnancy later on. I believe in the sanctity of life, so if I found myself in this situation I would definitely keep the baby. But it is best to avoid an unplanned pregnancy to begin with. A child deserves to be loved from day one and if you do not have any maternal instincts or have decided against having children for financial or any other reasons then do not feel guilty if others try to push you. Tactfully remind the person that you and your husband have already come to a decision about this private matter and that it was carefully thought out. But thanks for the advice anyway. That way, you are letting them know that the decision was made and that it was a private one. Would they offer to help raise your child? It is unlikely. They want to tell you what to do and then let you deal with the consequences. People who snoop like this are really quite rude and are guilty of invading your privacy. You would not consent to letting them go through your private papers and documents would you? If that is the case, do not allow them to intrude in this private matter. After telling the person of your stand on the matter, it should be a closed book that only you or your husband can open. So make it clear that the matter is now dropped.

Couples who remain child free are not strange or different to the conventional family unit. They still enjoy life and other people's children. They also have the benefit of more time to devote to their marriage, which can make them very strong and close as a couple. They can also travel and experience many new things that are not easily accomplished with children. It is simply not true that having children always makes a couple stronger. Many couples with children divorce each year in this country, so it is not safe to assume that having a child will necessarily solidify a rocky marriage. The damage is already there. A couple become closer by reaching out to one another regularly on a deeper level, connecting emotionally and communicating. Of course, those who have children can do this too. But there is less time available to spend together. Joe and Sarah are first and foremost parents.

In conclusion, I would say that being child free is one of the best decisions that my husband and I have made. We have lots of time for each other and we are best friends who can talk about anything. We travel whenever we want to and we do not need a babysitter when we go out for a day trip or for a meal. So somewhere along the line we are better off financially too. The purpose of this article is not to sway a person's mind either way. There are benefits to having children and also benefits in not having them. I am simply saying that after discussing the issue with your spouse it is up to you as a couple to reach a decision that works best for you. In years to come, you may change your mind and that is fine too. Above all, do not be bullied by any well meaning friend or relative who thinks it is their business to pry into your private life and offer advice that you did not ask for. You may end up making a decision that you will later regret. So stick to your guns.