Chores, Curfews and Other Teenage Curses

These are the top five signs you may have a teenager living in your house.

1. Your refrigerator is empty no matter how many times a week you go to the grocery store. (With the exception of this week's leftovers and healthy vegetables that don't have mega amounts of dip as an accompaniment.)

2. Your dirty laundry baskets are always overflowing. (Usually with clothes you have recently washed, but have never managed to make it into to a dresser drawer.)

3. Even though you pay the telephone bill, only one out of every 25 incoming calls is actually for you and then it's usually a salesman.

4. Your checking account is woefully barren after paying for all school fees, fast food runs and new clothing excursions.

5. One of the bedrooms in your house has been condemned by the health department.

If you can relate to one or more of the above signs, you are probably the parent of a teen.

You may also have noticed that sometime over the past few years your chubby faced cherub children have been replaced by independent, self-driven teenagers worthy of corporate raider status. Their main objective in life is to be in charge; in charge of their lives, your life, their schools and whatever else they encounter.

This new found self-governing lifestyle presents a unique problem. How do you encourage their autonomy for the future without compromising your authority of the present?

Experts say that deep down children want rules and boundaries. Rules help children feel safe. It's comforting for them to know there is an adult in control. But if asked, most children will probably deny their need for regulations and curfews. They will claim you are infringing on their rights and that they should be allowed to decide all things for themselves.

However, life skills need to be learned just like other subjects. Telling your children to be 'good' isn't enough. Good is an abstract term open to wide interpretation. You need to be specific about your expectations or be prepared for some future misunderstandings.

Your inclination might be to issue a set of edicts and expect your children to honor them. It probably won't work and will create a great deal of resentment between you. Your children will probably become defensive and do exactly the opposite of what you desire, possibly endangering themselves and others.

Instead try negotiation. As with any good business strategy, approach this situation with informed planning and an open mind. Allow your teens to present their own set of rules and punishments and really listen when they explain their positions. Counter with your set and work on a formula you both can live with.

If you treat your teens like the adults they strive to be, they will feel as though their opinions matter and will be more likely to listen to your views. There will, of course, have to be those rules that are set in stone, but be open to compromise with minor issues so your children feel they have sufficient control over their own life choices.

Be sure to pick your battles because your objective is to win the long-term war. Save the "because I said so" statement for moments of great impasse. If used too often, it loses its effectiveness.

Once you and your children have agreed on house rules, make the punishments fit the crime. Be specific ahead of time about penalties so there is no question about their use if the need arises. This may help cut down on harsh words said in anger and hurt feelings.

Take the time to write your house rules on a piece of paper. You and your children should sign them and each keeps a copy. This will help you avoid misinterpretation in the future. You will feel you have some control and your child will be much more willing to cooperate if consulted.