Christian Gynecologist Refuses to Examine Woman's Vagina

Following down the path of several "faith-based" pharmacies that have sprung up across the United States, a Christian gynecologist has now refused to examine a woman's vagina based on religious grounds.

"If pharmacists don't have to dispense birth control pills, even if the woman has a valid prescription, I don't see why I, as a Christian gynecologist, should have to set my eyes upon a strange woman's privates," says Joseph J. Mary, M.D. of Real Virginia. "Vaginas give me dirty thoughts, and dirty thoughts lead to masturbation. And masturbation is a terrible sin against my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

Dr. Joseph Mary bases his argument on the fact that several states, including Real Virginia, currently permit pharmacists to turn away valid prescriptions for any reason, including religious superstition.

The newest drug store to base its business plan on ancient myth is Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy in Chantilly, Virginia. (Yes, unfortunately, this is a real pharmacy, folks.) Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy refuses as a matter of faith to sell contraceptives of any kind, even if the person has a valid prescription.

"I support pharmacies like Divine Mercy Care," says Dr. Joseph Mary. "I mean, if God wants you to get pregnant, you're going to get pregnant regardless of contraceptive use. In fact, if God wants you pregnant, you're going to get pregnant regardless of whether you have sex. Just look at the Virgin Mary."

Although the world has seen a significant drop in virgin-births over the past two thousand years, Dr. Joseph Mary contends that "no healthcare professional should have to check his conscience at the door to his office or examining room."

And for Dr. Joseph Mary, that includes gynecologists. "Of course, I still want to practice gynecology. That's my chosen profession, and I worked hard to get where I am today. The laws of this nation prohibit my employers from firing me based on my religion, so this is simply something we're going to have to work around."

Some Christian residents of Real Virginia are thrilled by Dr. Joseph Mary's bold stance. "I just made an appointment with Dr. Joseph Mary for my seventeen year old daughter, Bristol," says Tara Palin of United Christ Gospel Church. "She's a virgin, of course. Been with the same saintly boy for three years, and he's never so much as held her hand in front of me. Lovely boy, really. Lives just across the street from my daughter's best friend, Sally. Never met Sally for some reason, but Bristol sleeps over her house all the time."

Asked why she chose Dr. Joseph Mary as her daughter's gynecologist, Tara Palin replied: "Well, my daughter's been having some, shall we say, 'issues' down there, and I thought it was time she visit a gynecologist. But I don't want my daughter seeing just anybody. I mean, seriously, there are a lot of whackos out there."