Christian Parenting: Getting to the Heart of Your Child's Actions

The goal of Biblical parenting is not merely to modify your child's behavior. Rather, it is to address the heart needs of your child. It is not good enough to have an obedient child who knows the appropriate things to say and do in public. It is not even good enough to have a child who respects you and does as you ask. The most important aspect of parenting is reaching the heart of your child, for it is the heart that is in need of knowing Christ. If a parent succeeds in molding an obedient, pleasant child, but fails to bring her child to Christ, she has failed indeed.

A few scriptures bear keeping in mind:

Proverbs 4:23 "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."

Mark 7:21 "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders..."

Luke 6:45 "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh."

The Bible teaches that the actions we do are a product of what is taking place in our heart. For instance, if you ask your child to clean his room and he refuses to do so, or says he has when he hasn't, it is not merely the problem of him not completing the task that you requested of him. Rather, it is his heart's issue of rebellion which must be addressed. Therefore, when you address the disobedience of the child, it is not enough to say, "You must be punished because you did not clean your room." Instead, the emphasis should be on his heart, which has strayed from God. Ultimately, it is God whom your child sins against when he disobeys you, for it is God who has made you the authority of your child.

A classic example of a child's heart attitude is given by Tedd Tripp in his book, Shepherding a Child's Heart. You walk in the room and notice two of your children fighting over a toy. Most parents' natural response to this situation would be to ask, "Who had it first?" Then, the child who had the toy first gets the toy back and the "offending" child has to find a different toy. In this case, the parent has addressed the child's behavior.

However, if you look at the heart attitude of each of the children, a much different response is necessitated. What is the basis for the action of each child? Selfishness. Each child wants the toy at the expense of the other. They do not care that the other child wants it, they do not care how he feels, he cares only for himself. "I want to be happy. This toy makes me happy and that is what I care about." This is not severity against each of the children, this is biblical insight into each child's actions. Both children need to be taught that the Bible says we are to prefer each other before ourselves. Both children need a heart correction.

In Biblical parenting, the parent must look past the behavior and see the heart issue. For it is the heart which must be softened and encouraged toward God.