"Christian Reading Always Carefully Keeps People Off Things" Advisor to Be Called Away by the Lord If Bible Sales Do Not Top Harry Potter 7 Sales

Reverend Zeke Gage of Christian Reading Always Carefully Keeps People Off Things (CRACKPOT) Ministries may have been quiet for the last several weeks, but that does not mean he has not been working for the lord. The news that the sales of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows outsold the Bible, which had previously held the record of being the best selling book of all time, has reportedly left the minister depressed.

After hearing the news, the good reverend, according to Dr. Will Smith, an advisor for CRACKPOT ministries went into deep meditation and prayer and came out only three days later. Withdrawn, shaking, and frowning Reverend Gage emerged from the prayer chambers and asked for something to eat. Andrea Johnson, who engaged in the proper Biblical female role of caregiver cooked the Reverend a makeshift meal and waited for the announcement. Sources close to the Reverend reported the revelation that ensued after the meal as a "shocker."

Those who lived through the 80s may find the announcement by a popular televangelist that if he did not get a million dollars by a certain date that God would "call him home" somewhat familiar. Reverend Zeke Gage informed his followers and the world that if CRACKPOT ministries did not restore the Bible to its rightful place as the best selling book of all time, God would send Dr. Will Smith to his eternal reward and the Reverend further added that the Almighty told him the Dr. Smith's life had been getting on his nerves anyway. Speculation runs high that the series Lost in Space may have reached Heaven by this time and the Almighty is merely confusing the good doctor with the fictional character portrayed in the series.

Despite attempts to reach him in prayer, God was not available for further comment on this issue and the response from the Archangel Gabriel, who sounded suspiciously like Christopher Walken, said only "He's got a Universe to run, leave the man alone."

In the meantime, volunteers for CRACKPOT ministries in an attempt to save the life of Dr. Will Smith from the wrath of an omnipotent being have set up Bible sales booths on the street in an attempt to bolster the Bible's lagging sales. Progress has been slow however as most people do not seem to be taking the CRACKPOT Bible stands seriously. The comment of one passerby was "Man, do they really expect to be taken seriously with a name like that? The world has enough kooky religious fanatics and no one pays attention to them either."

In the meantime, the Reverend Zeke Gage prepares the eulogy for Dr. Will Smith "just in case" while listening to Eleanor Rigby incessantly.