Christian Singles: How the Church Can Help

Church leaders seem to think of a "Singles Ministry" as a social club with a Bible Study attached. But unlike so many seem to think the scripture does speak on relationships that apply to singles, and as a single rather than a married person I think the church can and should help.

While it is true that the Christian Bible does not mention the word "dating". Neither is the concept of dating as found in U.S.A. tradition found in scripture. But there are plenty of scriptures dealing with those who are single. How does not having sex before marriage apply to those who are married? It doesn't, abstinence applies only those who are not married, those who are single.

A singles ministry should be just that a ministry to and by people who are Christian singles. Concerts and sports have their place among singles, but I am sorry to say that that it is a social club and not necessarily a ministry. Hearing Dallas Holmes in concert is really not a singles ministry. Single people playing volleyball, table tennis and talking to one another comes closer to being a social club than a ministry.

So, what is a singles ministry? How about singles doing door-to-door evangelism together much like Jehovah's witnesses and Mormons still do today. Is it any surprise that the cults are growing while the church is diminishing? How about singles helping out the homeless and those in need of food or clothing? How about singles helping one another in their romantic relationships with one another? There is nothing wrong with changing an air conditioning filter in the "church" building. It is a form of ministry, but it should never take priority over people, including their "dating" relationships.

But when it comes to the church ministering to singles in the area of romantic relationships on a practical level the church leadership has gone AWOL (Absent without leave). Not all singles make more money than married people, and single parents are not the only ones that struggle with finances and relationships. Generally, in the church, it is a given that if a single needs help with food, water, clothing or other physical needs they will be helped. Sometimes condemned for being in that situation, but helped. We are encouraged to have our relationship with God our Savior who is Jesus Christ. But often we are discouraged in our relationships with other people.

Genesis chapter 24 is one of my favorite chapters. It has 67 verses about how two of God's children met and married. In Vss. 1-3 is we learn who helped Isaac to find a wife. It was Abraham, his eldest servant and God. We learn in Vss. 3-4 that the spouse must be a relative, not from the land of the Canaanites. For the modern Christian this can be interpreted to mean a Christian brother or sister in the Lord. Vs. 8 makes it clear the choice belongs to the woman to follow or a potential spouse or not. Vs. 7 we learn that God sent his angel to find a wife for option.

Today, if you are a Christian single you are instructed to not look for a spouse. The church does not want us find a wife unless we happen upon her. Basically we are told just pray and wait for God to drop her in your lap like a present from Santa Clause. The blab her and grab her doctrine is more in line with scripture than that.

If you were looking for a job (and I am until my writing can support me) you would likely not tell me "There is nothing you can do but pray". No, you would want people who need work to fill out applications, send resumes' and go on interviews. You would want such a person to look until they found a job. You might even help a person to fill out job applications, guide them in writing their resume', ask them about their experiences and let them know of openings. Why won't you do the same for singles who are Christians?

It amazes me when people say, "there is nothing you can do but pray" and prayer is important. It is the most important part of the process, but it is not a situation where that is all that can be done. Sometimes it is a situation where praying is all that is allowed to be done, but not all that can be done.

But in Gen. 24 the help was both divine and human. Abraham literally sent his servant to fetch a wife for Isaac. God sent his angel ahead, but he also sent a human being. In fact about the only human not involved in the choosing of a spouse for Isaac was Isaac himself. Singles ministers should put themselves in the role of Abraham's servant when it comes to helping people with relationships.

Sometimes singles simply do not know how to appropriately date. Married people who are not the leaders are allowed to attend. They shouldn't be. We can't tell if someone is available or not by their rings or lack thereof. And some singles do want nothing more than a social club. I'm not saying that all singles should be married. Who knows all the singles in a group better than the singles ministers? No one, that's who. If a single desires a spouse a singles minister can help.

A singles minister can help because he or she knows the viewpoints and beliefs of most people in the group. Singles minister know the people who are in the singles group. As the leader of the group you can get know people individually. You know if someone might have an interest another person or not. The singles minister often circulates among the various people in the group and they often come to you for help or simply to chat. The singles minister should also act as a counselor to the individuals in the group.

"Where no counsel is the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety." (Prov. 11:14)

"Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established." (Prov. 15:22)

"Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise I thy latter end. There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand." (Prov. 19:20-21)

"Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war."(Prov. 20:18)

When it comes to establishing relationships between men and women who are not yet married. Do you really believe the counsel of the Lord is to say "just pray and wait on God to drop someone in your lap"? Yes, I know that in Prov. 18:22 the word "findeth" means to come forth or appear. But without help and counsel how do we know when we meet the right person. "you will know" is not an appropriate answer. It is a coward's answer. It is the answer of someone who does not want to help with the relationship.

Every church large enough to have a singles ministry should have a matchmaking ministry. A matchmaking ministry, not a dating site like eharmony or Date Hookup. In fact one reason Christian singles go to secular sites like these is because the church leaders will not help in the area of relationships.

How did you know when you found the right person, Mr. and Mrs. singles ministers? Share your mistakes and successes with us. Stop blowing off single women who are concerned about nearing age 30. If you keep blowing off these women they may have sex out wedlock to achieve their goal of having a children. And she (along with other singles) might just stop going to church because the leaders did not care about an issue that was important to her.

Singles do not expect perfection out of the singles ministers, but neither people do not need be going on a church orgy renamed a group date. Volleyball, basketball and table tennis are fun sports. Dallas Holmes in concert is enjoyable, but is such a social club really a ministry? Is that really God's will?

Did the servant say to Abraham, "I don't feel like fetching a wife for Isaac"? . He addressed legitimate concerns and Abraham gave the servant specific instructions. Singles have a lot to offer, but please don't tell us to "just pray" and then throw up our hands, give up and do nothing while we "wait on God" to drop a spouse into our lap like she or he is a Christmas present from Santa Clause. That is what we are often told.

Why not counsel singles in a similar way that you would counsel someone to looking for a job? When someone's purpose is to find an income in order make a living do you tell him "there's nothing you can do but pray"? I hope you don't. Or do you direct him on how to fill out an application and how to make a resume'? Do you let him know of any openings for which he may qualify?

Why not give the same respect to people who are looking for a helpmate. God created us male and female we were literally made for each other. So, why blow us off, and laugh at us when as though we are joking when we ask you for help in finding a spouse?

Let us know who may be eyeing us that we may not have noticed. Let us know if there are other singles that share our beliefs. Let us know when people share our interest. We can't tell by the rings on a person's fingers if they are available, and we can't read minds. Sometimes we simply do not know the appropriate process. Sometimes we may not follow counsel if we believe the counsel is against scripture. If singles do reject counsel, find out why. We may be trying to follow the will of God even if it does not follow traditional advice for Christian singles.

Singles have a lot to offer and we are glad to offer our help to other people wherever we can. Some singles don't have transportation, some singles are in circumstances they have no control over. Some singles have made mistakes they wish they had not made and are paying for it with low-income jobs.

As Christians when we want you to help us in finding a helpmate please stop laughing at us. Take us seriously. Pray for us and pray with us, but do not limit your help to praying. We know you are busy and have more pressing matters, no problem; it's a part of life. We can wait until the next day when there is a legitimate family emergency, but don't consider the social club and changing the air conditioning filter a more pressing matter. It's not.

God Bless you for your service, there are a lot of scriptures dealing with singles, so thank you for taking the time to read this article and hopefully you will find some suggestions that you can take to heart to help us in our relationships.

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord." (Prov. 18:22)

"House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord." (Prov. 19:14)

"...let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." (I Cor. 7:2)