Christians and Marriage Counseling: Does Marriage Counseling Do More Harm Than Good?

What I am about to tell you goes completely against seemingly logical advise that you have probably heard over and over again. You may have heard everyone you know encourage you to seek marital counseling including your pastor. You figure that it seems like it it the last thing you could possibly to do change your marriage, and figure that it can't hurt, especially since it Christan Counseling, right? What if I said, wrong?

The information I am giving you isn't just something that I made up and cling onto as my opinion, but rather something I have witnessed not only first hand, but have witnessed testimony after testimony about how destructive marriage counseling can be. Marriage Counseling is usually nothing more than worldly council balled up with a few Scripture references, but certainly not based on the solid foundation of the Bible. It is typical in the first few sessions for both spouses to divulge a huge list of faults they find in their marriage and spouse. It's a vomit, so to speak of all the things that are "bottled up" in an individual and finally spewed on the table without any sign of hope in sight.

It's usually at that point the marriage councilor explains to the both of you that things will get worse from here on out and it will be really hard to stick through it, but promises if you both are 110% committed (in most circumstances, one spouse always feels forced to go to counseling, while the other believes it is the last hope for the marriage) that it can be a time of healing and repair for you both individually and as a couple.

When both you and your spouse are already having so many issues that you feel it all caving on you and have made the decision to seek marital counseling, the last thing you need is for them to pull your marriage apart at the seems, but that is just what most Christan Councilors and even many pastors do. It is very common for a councilor to find favor with one party in the marriage, and although they vow not to, they do eventually take sides. This becomes evident during the very first few sessions, in which the councilor requires you to "get to the root of the problem" by going as far back in your past as you can remember and digging up things that you have previously claimed to have put behind you. Before you know it, your marriage looks even more hopeless as your mate piles all your faults, failures and short comings on you. The more they speak about it, the more the hurt climbs right back into their heart and mind and they begin to resent you all over again, in addition to the feelings they currently have. You get your chance to speak, and now so full of hurt and feeling so open and ashamed in front of another person, you defend your self with a backlash of equivalent painful past digging, giving your spouse yet more anger and bitterness as well as feeding yourself full with the same taste of anger, resentment, hurt, bitterness and doubts.

The session is over and you both go home together, probably not saying much of anything. Both of you seem to feel like your walking on eggshells because in any given moment your about to blurt out "How could you ever think...?" "Why would you say...?" "You can't blame me for...?" "That was such a lie!" But instead you have to bottle everything inside waiting around for next weeks appointment. Let me remind you, at this point your both losing hope and faith in the marriage and are teetering on the side of divorce.

If you both make it to the next session, given all the tension from the past week, you both want a quick fix, almost anything looks better than it does now, even the way things were before you started counseling. The councilor reminds you both that this is painful and it will only get worse as you dig deeper, but eventually, she/he promises there will be light at the end of the tunnel and you will be able to heal and mend your marriage. Usually the mate who was the most reluctant to counseling starts to feel that this is going nowhere fast, and if this was the last string of hope, than it failed and the marriage might as well end now because your both suffering. To make things worse, when that spouse tries to explain this to the councilor, the councilor defends his/her position and reminds them that they can't fix their marriage alone and that they have a "proven track records" of many marriages who are happily married thanks to their advise (which doesn't give much Glory to God at all!) and that if they want to leave then no one is making them stay, but it will only do more damage to walk away prematurely. Whether the spouse physically leaves at the session or not, doesn't matter because at that moment, they emotionally checked out and continue to build up resentment at every session following.

That's when the spouse who gained favor with the councilor seems to get their lions share of attention from the councilor, and eventually when the other spouse no longer comes to the sessions. Sessions become one-to-one for the "committed" spouse and the councilor. This is told to be a healing process to help deal with the emotions of watching a marriage fall to the ground. Eventually, the "committed" spouse tells every last detail to the councilor and the councilor explains that we are all given a "free will" and we can't be held accountable for what another person does. Because the committed spouse usually wants to do everything to salvage the marriage, he/she is unable to let go of it so easily. This is when the councilor will then justify the divorce proceedings and tell you to move on. He/she will tell you that you have a problem with confidence, and you have to see that you deserve someone better, someone who has as much commitment in their hearts for you as you do for them. He or she encourages you to find yourself again, claiming that when two are made one by marriage, and than divorced, that they need to get back to who they really are so they have something to offer someone in the future. And that becomes the primary goal for the rest of the sessions you will have together.

But, I want to ask, where is the power of God in this Christan Counseling? Where was the Word of God actually applied, not just spoken? Did the councilor tell you that forgiving one another means to forgive as God forgives us, which is to remember our sins no more? Did the councilor mention that scripture tells us to forget the former things? What about encouraging you both that God hates divorce and truly working with you both to help you forget the past by true forgiveness and work on the road that lies ahead of you. No not once did your future talk last for but a few moments. Everything brought up was painfully from the broken past that you two shared, whether it an affair, financial problems, or arguments that were long buried; it surfaced it's self in that office as if where happening right now, the very day you had your session.

Could you imagine if God decided one day that he would remind you of every sin you ever committed and on top of that told you how bad you hurt Him by committing each offense. I am not talking about the feeling that comes with repentance during salvation, because it is then that you feel true grace and mercy. I am talking about imaging God deeply angered with you, absolutely angered and disgusted with who you are. How would you ever take the load of pain from your heart, the guilt and shame away? You would feel so unworthy, ashamed and unforgiven. It would crush you because you would know that not only did you let Him down, but you dd it repeatedly no matter how wrong you knew it was, and a hatred for your own self would rise up in you, as you would probably feel like the scum of the earth. How thankful we should all be that our Father in heaven would never do that to us! No, He says He separates our sins as far as the east is from the west, that they are remembered no more. He washed us clean with the Blood of Jesus, whom He sacrificed so He could call us righteous and Holy. For He says we are as clean as freshly fallen snow and He has blotted out all of our sins.

And before you tell me that that's because He is God and He can forgive like that, but we can't, may I remind you of a powerful teaching from the Sermon on The Mount where in Matthew 6:12 Jesus points out that in prayer we are to ask God to forgive us by the same measure that we forgive others.

Matthew 6:12 (Amplified Bible) And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven (left, remitted, and let go of the debts, and have given up resentment against) our debtors.

And if that very Scripture along with this handful of scriptures and many others became the very foundation for Christian Counseling, as well as understanding the limitation to our "free will" and the absolute power of God and His Sovereignty, then God would get the Glory because it was done His way, and many, many marriages would be saved.

Luke 6:41 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

2 Timothy 2:23 Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.

Unfortunately, it goes almost with out an exception that marital counseling fails the many people flocking to them for sound advise and council. As part of a marriage ministry, Faith and Marriage Ministries, I have heard many devastating testimonies of marriages being crippled and torn down after insisting that it was the only way to repair the marriage. The advise given to them by councilors and pastors alike ended on a note of complete devastation and hopelessness. Only with the still voice of God did they hear "restoration" whisper in their in ears and began to forsake the advise that named their marriage dead and claimed that God would breathe life into it once again, like in the valley of Dry Bones These men and woman stood up and believed that God alone could save their marriages and make it better than before. They stood up and took a stand for their vows and refused to give up on the very promises of God. And it is a blessing to be part of such a ministry that allows me to witness how their lives and marriages have changed for the better.

It is possible to save your marriage alone (with you and God of course). There is no will that can set itself up against Gods, for He alone is Sovereign and in control. It doesn't matter how hopeless things look, all that matters is that you know God is the same yesterday, today and always and that He still preforms miracles today, nothing is impossible for God! When we put our total faith in God, surrender it all to Him, and seek out HIS wisdom, our situations dramatically change. I have watched it in others lives, and have experienced it personally. It's never too late to save your marriage with God on your side! He is faithful.

I encourage you to read an article published right here on Associated Content, which depicts a womans journey on the road to a fully restored marriage. You may click here to read her testimony. It may also benefit you to reading article titled Avoiding the Destructive Danger of Ungodly Council.

In conclusion, I would like to make it clear that psychiatry has it's roots in the occult, which elevates man (individual person) as the most important focus. The focus of an individuals overall happiness, self-love, self worth, personal acceptance and self-esteem is central to secular counseling. When we try to sugar coat that with Christan Counseling, we usually get the same way of doing things, mixed with a dash of scripture, a pinch of faith and a prayer thrown in when things get to hard to bear. Christan counseling is supposed to use God's word as the final authority, which is supposed to be the dividing line between secular and Christan counseling. however, far too often, the lines get blurred and the way of the world enters in and takes over. Before you know it, the Christan councilor whom you confided in and trusted tells you that even your prayers to save your marriage are powerless, due to your spouses "free will" and need to be redirected toward getting you to an emotionally healthy state, so you can move on. Which sure seems to line up with secular advise that aims to work on self-esteem and happiness from with in.

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (Mark 10:9)