Christmas Plus Three

Ewen (*) looked out her window and felt a twinge of sadness, the day was quiet and somber and cold. It was the month of Christmas, the time of holiday celebration, Ewen had dozens of friends who were all smiling and having a great holiday time of it, but for Ewen, the holiday wasn't a merry one, at least not yet.

She harbored a secret hope that the Christmas spirit would come, she wanted to be joyous like her friends, wanted to see the cold white ice outside her window as cheery frost for the season, but her life wasn't in line with that, at least not yet. Ewen knew it wasn't a season about money, or about gifts, it was a season about giving, she knew this, she'd heard it plenty of times, all her friends knew how to say these things quickly when she seemed down "Ewen, you seem a bit down today, is everything O.K.?"

Then they would follow that with the seasonal platitude the Ewen knew before they finished it, "after all, you know, it's Christmas time?" This was supposed to mean for Ewen to smile, to act happy, and to forget her reality, only she didn't think that was doable. Ewen wasn't aware of it, but something of Christmas as a season was about to enter her life, come with us as Ewen finds out that there is more to Christmas, a plus to Christmas, that unfortunately isn't mentioned enough today.

You and I can't change the past, it's gone, we can't turn the clock back, and we can't live out a past over again, because the present is truthfully, right now, all we have. We all know this, we live in it, and are aware that we really don't know what the next moment will be (as anyone who has had a heart attack, they will tell you, they weren't expecting it!) but we exist in this present as if though it isn't all that there is, so we take it and our life in it, for granted, that there will be more to come. We truly do believe that there will be more to come, and so, we sometimes neglect the wonder of the present.

So simple, so powerful, so true, this moment as you read these words, you are doing something for this writer that is mightier than anything ever done before, you are honoring me by reading my writing. As a writer, my consideration has got to be the moment that you are in, and making that moment worth your while. The present is where you and I can meet on this page, together; keep that in mind as we return to Ewen.

What happened to Ewen when her friends talked with her about the holiday joy and being happy and Christmas, was the turning point, her turning point, the point where she turned them off? Why would she reach such a point? Here is one possible reason, the people saying what they are saying, mean it with limitations, they will get involved with Ewen only to a point, and Ewen is very aware of how that point plays out in real life. What Ewen experiences is common to us all, we live in a culture where attachments are becoming distant and less human, we talk by phone, communicate by distance, and that distance takes the human touch away. One possible reason that Ewen doesn't "feel" uplifted by her friends' well intentioned remarks may be that distant callousness which is so prevalent in our world. It is hard to feel a hug through a phone line, isn't it?

Sheila* was the office cheerleader; everyone said that she had that extra "something" of being so nice. She often felt like they said that as a way of making less of her insight, but she resisted the urge to resent that label, and instead, just took the comment at face value and cheerfully went through her day. Sheila was aware of Ewen and the problems that the season was bringing to her, Sheila saw the way that Ewen looked when everyone else was smiling and having a great time, Ewen retreated away from that, into herself. Sheila wondered if there wasn't something that she could do to help out. So that Sheila was aware of Ewen and aware of the fact that Ewen wasn't reacting in a happy way to the news of the season and the joy of it and the holidays, know anyone like that?

What Sheila did next is what the holiday must be about, certainly in some portion, as Christmas is a time of celebration for many things, most celebrate it as a date for joy, some emphasize the joy as coming from a religious standpoint, but for many that religious standpoint is distant, and they think of Christmas as other things, other events, and a time for gift giving and gift getting.

For Ewen this was what had occurred in her life, Christmas had become a time of giving, and, of getting gifts. Ewen had always thought of it that way, until the year before this one, and then Ewen's world had undergone a radical change that Ewen really wasn't ready for, and Ewen's friends, well let's just say that they scattered and became friends at a distance as Ewen suffered. For many who suffer and especially at a time like the Christmas season, that is one of the most tragic realities of loss, people that could become closer and more involved with them, become distant and seemingly less caring (although that's not actually the case, people simply don't know what to say about tragedy so they choose to let that become what they say, nothing). For Ewen, all she knew was that her son was gone and her friends weren't there either. That was how she remembered last year, and that was why this year wasn't joyful for her, or so she thought.

Sheila knew she couldn't ignore the situation with her friend any longer and while it was a risk, she knew she had to become part of the solution to Ewen's change in demeanor and help her in any way that she could. Sheila was making some decisions that are very important, and her first and most important decision was to not ignore what she was seeing, not to dismiss it, which is often what people do today, they believe that if they see someone that isn't acting like everyone believes they should something is wrong with them that should be avoided.

While this is often true, in the instance we are looking at, in this set of circumstances, Ewen and Sheila know one another, so they are close associates; this is important to note, we aren't talking about strangers, that is another article and another set of suggestions, no, in this article and this situation we are talking about people who know you and have known you, and that you know, and have known, who have suffered a tragedy in the past year and who are going through what is known by various names, "holiday blues", "holiday syndrome", all of which reflect the person who was seemingly normal becoming morose, "down" and quietly withdrawn. Ewen and others you know who are like her, can be and should be helped during this time, and what we will show now are three steps that work - three steps, which when taken, result in people like Ewen being relieved.

Step One: Put yourself off for a while and think about the other person in the first person sense. Many mental health professionals, and motivational professionals and success coaches tell us that we are our own worst enemy to get over ourselves without telling us a specific how. This is a specific how, when you think of yourself, you do so in the first person sense of "I like this, or, don't like this..." That's first person, you are who you are, but who would that be if it were the person you are thinking about? To the largest extent possible get into that other person as much as you can, as you have come to know them, what do they like and dislike? Take that into the conversation with yourself, get to know them, and now, you have put yourself out of the picture. Simple isn't it. Most powerful and life changing ideas are just that, simple.

Step Two: Draw your conclusions and act on them. Sheila knew that getting back into touch with Ewen wasn't going to be easy, there was a lot of water under the dam, a lot of times that she could have been there for Ewen and had chosen to remain at a distance. Sheila got inside Ewen's head for a few and realized that Ewen was lonely and also disappointed in what life had become. Sheila realized she was grieving, so Sheila took action- first she went and got a book on how to help the grieving (a little knowledge can really be useful if focused, and, Sheila was focused as a result of step one), then Sheila made sure that she got into contact with Ewen, which is what she knew Ewen really wanted - the human touch of a friend. Simple isn't it. Most powerful and life changing ideas are just that, simple.

Step Three: Use your resources to accomplish good for the person. Ewen hadn't been out for a cup of coffee with a friend since her sons death a year ago, she had been in a routine of grief; this is almost standard to people in grief, they start to become attached to patterns of life, it allows them to function through the grief. What they need more than anything else is someone who will be willing to share in that pattern, and occasionally provide the joy that a break in it can bring. Sheila did that and invited Ewen to go with her to get some coffee at the local shop. Simple isn't it. Most powerful and life changing ideas are just that, simple.

Take away from this article the willingness to get involved, don't hesitate, and look over those three steps: 1. Put yourself off for a while and think about the other person in the first person sense. 2. Draw your conclusions and act on them. 3. Use your resources to accomplish good for the person. Make Christmas plus three, for you, and me, a reality. Let Christmas plus three, happen for you and them, again and again and again. Christmas plus three is all about us, and together, we become Christmas, plus three.

*Fictional character not meant to resemble any person living or dead