Christmas Psychosis

A few days ago I mentioned to a friend of mine that it didn't feel like Christmas. But as I began my Christmas shopping and other preparations for the holiday, I realized that Christmas time was at hand and that I was clearly way behind time in readying myself for the Holiday.

I set out a schedule for myself. I made a list, checked it twice and went forth into the wilderness. I thought I would ease into the fray by stopping at a small craft store which I frequent often and then working my way up to the bigger department stores. Friendly territory I thought, but as I walked through the door I began to wonder if I had ever actually set foot here before. Usually there would be at least one or two male of the species roaming the store, if not with their wives browsing by themselves. Not today. I had entered the world of the occult The world of the female shopper. I never looked at my list, bought a few items to prove to myself that I could handle the situation, then ran from the store screaming.

I traveled to another store. As I parked, the paranoia began to rise. I rushed in and grabbed two items from a nearby shelf and ran to the checkout stand. The line wasn't all that long, but the lady checking out was now comparing the different styles and colors of ribbon which she had in her cart. Minutes passed, which turned into hours. I began to cramp. I wanted to wrap that ribbon around her neck, every inch of it, and pull on the ends until she made a decision to make the purchase. I will return those items after the first of the year.

Wrapping presents is not within the domain of the male. I don't know of a woman incapable of neatly cutting and folding wrapping paper. Men cut themselves with the scissors. They tape themselves to the packages. I fumbled with the ribbon much like the first time I tried to undo Mary Margaret McCarty's bra snaps. Holding the package down with my foot as the wrapping paper unrolls off the table.

But I have two more nights and I know deep down inside, I can make it. I have faced tougher challenges. I also found a new store to shop at which sits adjacent to a liquor store. Yes, Virginia, Christmas is here.