Christopher Walken Eats Babies; Lady Gaga

For many years, I've known that Christopher Walken was, in fact, a very advanced robot. He'd come from the future, in the age that came after the Death of Cinema (which came very shortly after The Fucken Apolocaylpse, ala Walmart Charges $100 for a Pack of Gum, circa 2021). But I didn't know why. After Christopher Kutcher was exposed as a Christopher Walken impersonator, I started to wonder why Christopher Walken would be p-o'd about a fake Christopher Walken, since he's a fake himself, being a robot from the future and all. Was it the cowbell or was it something else all together? Perhaps Christopher Kutcher had unwittingly exposed a truth in his lies?

I suspect that the Online Christopher Walken Fan Club had the answer, but when the secret was leaked to the press in 2008*, all existing members of the CW Fan Club were vaporized, along with the website (which used to exist at walkenfanclub.com). [*The leak was actually my fault, as I blogged about Walken's interview with the Fan Club after reading the Christopher Walken had admitted to being an alien: "Being raised in showbusiness, Walken often says he is from another planet. When we met him, he seemed like an Earthling as far as we could tell."]

I knew it was bullshit. An alien? No freaking way. I am an alien, and Christopher Walken as never attended any of our monthly meetings. A highly-evolved humanoid robot is more like it. He was definitely a robot, and having people think he was a human pretending to be an alien was a great cover. I knew something was fishy about the whole deal.

Now, I've figured it out. His mission, set forth unto by He That Remembered the Seeds in the Middle of Antartica, was to save the world. And how does one save the world but... that's right! Eating Babies!

Thank the Higher Powers that Christopher Walken is on this Earth eating babies^. Someone has got to eat the babies, and he is just the man* to start the movement because everyone knows he's creepy as hell, being the Angel of Death and all. (Actually, despite what the previous post might lead you to believe, Christopher Walken is -not- the Angel of Death. People just think it's clever to say that he is the Angel of Death, but it's not, since *he's a baby-munching robot from the future.)

[^Eating babies might not seem like a great way to save the human race to you, but you probably think this because: A) you are a baby, B) you want to eat your baby without sharing, or C) you are much too tender-hearted to survive the Apocalype. Think of it this way: If you have the choice of eating a baby or jumping off a cliff, which are you going to take?}

Christopher Walken is totally creepy, but he's also one Bad Ass Mother. If anyone's got the sway to make the plebeians of the world eat all the babies they should, it's a Bad Ass Mother like Christopher Walken. If Christopher Walken starts walking into restaurants, getting that VIP treatment, and ordering babies, the world will take notice, and you can bet your sweet ass that someone in that restaurant will bring the man the baby he wants, cooked however the hell he wants it.

("Medium-rare, side of bacon. Mashed potatoes, the red ones, with gravy, lots of it." - Arlene Mercutio, head waitress, Ruby Tuesday)

Soon, all the restaurants in town will be serving baby and the world's overpopulation problems will decline rapidly as lesser stars like Lady Gaga and Ashton Kutcher (separate tables) start ordering the Christopher Walken Baby Specials that will be popping up in big cities across the States. It's only natural that the plebeians will see the tabloid pictures and copy the behavior. We really should thank Christopher Walken for his contribution to the human race.

{Some sources suggest that Christopher Walken and Lady Gaga are considering forming a Baby Eating Club, but no one was available to comment as this article went to press.}