CIA Tests New Interrogation Techniques

Today, and for the past few days, I have been traveling throughout this great nation of ours... (Well, actually I'm in Georgia right now, and its not as great as some of the other states... Don't get me wrong, the state is beautiful, but I think some of these folks need to breed with other people besides their cousins. To quote the great Chevy Chase: "Someone's been in here with the ugly stick.")

As I have been traveling, once again discovering the majesty of America, I have also been contemplating the darker side of our nation. A few months ago, the president revealed for the first time that the CIA has been in control of various secret prisons. CIA operatives have detained high-level terrorists, and we plan on keeping them detained. Now, some folks have been concerned about the rights of these individuals. They are worried that the CIA has been torturing these terrorists to get information.

I will tell you this... While we shouldn't lose any sleep over the pain and suffering of bad people, we should also not rush to become as bad as the terrorists. Instead of torture or physical abuse, I believe we should use an alternate means to obtain information from these prisoners. We should not throw acid in their face, or use thumbscrews, or sodomize them with a broom-handle. That's the job of the NewYork Police department. The CIA does not need to operate that way.

There are other, more effective ways of illciting information.

Therefore, I present to you a transcript of an Imaginary Interrogation Session. I believe you will find this procedure very harsh. But does it count as torture? You be the judge.

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

CIA AGENT: You haven't slept in 46 hours. If you talk to us, you can get some sleep. What do you think?

No response from Prisoner 063.

CIA AGENT: Remove his blindfold.

063: W-where am I?

CIA AGENT: Walk up these stairs please.

063: What is this god forsaken place?

CIA AGENT: It's called Ikea. Let's walk along this way...

063: Please... I am so tired...

CIA AGENT: Look at this lamp here. Isn't it adorable? That would look great on my night-stand.

No response from Prisoner 063.

CIA AGENT: What do you think of those dressers. Do you like the style? Hey, I'm asking you a question, do you like the style?

063: I don't care.

CIA AGENT: Which one do you like better, the white one or the gray one?

063: I SAID I DON'T CARE!

CIA AGENT: Don't you love all of these cute Swedish names? Look at me, I'm sitting in a Glutten while I put my feet up on a Shlonken! Come on, let's keep looking around!

(After six hours of walking around Ikea...)

063: Please... can I just lay down on one of those Blimmels?

CIA AGENT: That's not a Blimmel its a Mungli. We still have all of downstairs to explore. we're going to be here all day, unless you tell me about teroorist operations.

063: I will not talk, no matter what you do to me!

CIA AGENT: Here, hold my purse while I go to the bathroom.

063: No!!!!

Prisoner 063 is forced to hold purse. He stands in the center of the room for 45 minutes, feeling very immasculated.

CIA AGENT: All righty, I'm back. Now, let's take a break and have some Swedish meatballs.

063: I WILL TALK!!! I WILL TALK!!! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW!!!

End of transcript.

I don't know about you, but that would definitely work on me!