Cinema Etiquette: How to Act in a Movie Theater

Some people just don't know how to act in a movie theater. Other people know exactly how to act and take it extremely personally when someone starts messing with their film-viewing experience. I'll be honest ... I belong to the latter group. In recent years, I have become less and less willing to deal with other people's lack of movie theater etiquette during a movie I've just forked out money to see. This lack of willingness has ranged from politely asking someone to quiet down to informing someone either they or I would have to move, or they could just shut up. Even my friends will tell you that acting up during a movie is not going to end well for the one acting up. Yes, I depend on a friend for a ride to the theater, but if that friend starts chewing loudly in my ear, or texting, or talking during the movie, or repeatedly getting up and walking in front of me, said friend will find him or herself short a viewing partner as I get up and move away from him or her. Other people won't be so generous (yes ... that's being generous); I've seen people get screamed at, hit, soda dumped on their heads, and threatened with parking lot meetings because said people couldn't figure out how to act right in the theater. So to help you avoid having part of your face potentially become one with the icky floor of the theater when you do one too many things to annoy the person sitting behind you, beside you, or anywhere within range of annoying, here are five tips to maintain movie theater etiquette and avoid ruining the experience for anyone else!

1. Do not, I repeat, do not, speak during the movie. That means no talking to your boyfriend about how the "scary part" is coming up in, like, two seconds. No talking for a few minutes after a funny scene about how funny it was. No reminding your girlfriend a million times, "I told you you'd love this, didn't I tell you you'd love this?" No sharing critical reviews of why this movie is a disappointment, particularly if it includes sharing the end of the movie. No predicting the end of the movie out loud, and then saying, "Here it comes" as the end, in fact, comes. Please ... spare the rest of the audience your genius insights into the film, and just do what everyone else is there to do: watch the movie! Three cases in which you can ignore this rule: a fire in the theater (in which case, feel free to shout "Fire!"), someone passes out or has another medical emergency (feel free to suggest someone call 9-1-1, or do it yourself), your water breaks (why are you even in the theater, in this case ... but if it happens, tell someone). Unless someone in the theater is actually wielding a weapon, restrain from shouting, "Look out, he's got a gun!"

2. Turn off your cellphone! You know those ads they show before the film asking you to silence your phone? Ignore that. Just turn the stupid thing off! You'd be amazed at the number of people who jump in surprise and apologize profusely, claiming they could swear they'd turned it on vibrate before entering the theater. Just don't risk it! Turn it off. Either that, or give the person sitting next to you leave to rip the phone from your hand, place it on the ground, and smash it to dust rather than letting you fumble to shut it off an hour into the film. Maybe you have a good reason to answer the phone during a movie. In that case, at least leave the phone on vibrate. When it rings, hit the answer button immediately, at the same time as you stand to exit the theater. But don't you dare even think of raising that phone to your mouth until you are outside the theater. And please, if your phone does go off, don't try and pretend it's not yours; people around you aren't that stupid.

3. Choose your seat wisely, and keep your butt down. If you know you have bladder issues, why in the world would you sit in the middle seat of an aisle? If you can think of any reason you'd have to get up and leave the theater during the movie, do everybody else a favor and sit on the end of the aisle. Seriously. The last thing anyone wants is for the climax of the film to arrive, just in time for you to decide you need to stand up and move around. If you bring snacks with you, pass them out before the movie starts. If you're sharing a bag of popcorn, bring containers with you to divvy the corn up with, and pass out servings before the movie starts so you're not passing the bag over someone's head or leaning into someone's view of the screen. Other things to keep in mind. From your seat, can you see if someone tall sits in front of you? Are you tall enough to block anyone's view? If someone sits next to you on both sides, are you capable of being comfortable without arm rests? Is the theater full or pretty open in terms of seating? If your seats recline, think about how far back you'd let someone in front of you lean their seat before you punched them in the head, and then only recline your own seat half that distance.

4. Keep your food quiet. If you bring your own snacks, a couple things to consider. If I'm in the theater, I will make your movie viewing experience a living nightmare if you sit near me and eat noisy chips or pretzels, or keep your chips or pretzels in a noisy bag. If you just have to have chips or nachos, sit as far away from people as possible ... no, seriously. There's nothing worse than reaching the quietest moment of a film and hearing the disturbing crunch of crunchy food in your ear! Except maybe reaching the quietest moment of a film and hearing the disturbing crunch of a bag rustling ... so if you bring your own chips or any snack, transfer it from the noisy package into a plastic bag, which is ten times less noisy! If you get to the bottom of your drink, please, use your brain to remove the lid and drink the rest rather than trying to suck that last drop through the straw. Doing the latter might just get said straw shoved up your nose by an agitated theater goer.

5. Mind your children. First of all, if the movie is rated R, don't bring your small children. Secondly, unless you know for sure your child, once asleep, is literally down for the count for at least five hours, don't bring your baby into the theater. Third, know this: if your kid is obnoxious, I'm not going to turn and yell at your kid. I'm going to turn around and yell at you. I've actually had parents say, "I'm sorry, he's a little rambunctious, he just wants attention" when their annoying five year old leans on the back of my seat, kicks it throughout the film, or shouts random junk for the full two hours. I'm not interested in your child's level of rambunctiousness. I'm interested in why, knowing how annoyingly "rambunctious" your child is, you decided you should bring him or her into the theater with you. I know sometimes it's hard to find a baby sitter. But you can't honestly expect anyone to believe the one weekend of the year you can't possibly get a sitter is also the only weekend of the year a particular movie is going to be in theaters. I'm not saying children should be forbidden from theaters; but know that in bringing them, you should be in control of them, and if they start acting up, the responsible thing to do is remove them from the theater, not let it go and expect the "Ha, kids" thing to fly.

Of course, there's always more to keep in mind when heading to a movie theater. Ladies, hold your purse to your chest when moving through an aisle, unless you want someone to grab it and tear it apart when it hits him or her in the back of the head or straight in the face. Couples, there are better places than a movie theater to make out; if you can honestly think of no better place (which is really sad), at least sit in the empty back row, and not right next to other people. If you're late to a movie, don't try to find prime seating, and don't expect people to honor your desire to walk down the middle of their aisle in the middle of the movie; just sit on the end and deal with it, or wait until the next showing if you can't deal with that. At the end of the movie, if people to your left are watching the end credits, leave the aisle to the right, and vice versa; or, if you're not planning on staying through the credits, sit near the end of the aisle so you get out of their quickly without blocking people's view for too long. Don't block the seat next to you just because you don't want someone sitting next to you; if that's the case, sit on the end so you only have to deal with one person, go to a showing you know won't get many people, or rent the movie when it leaves theaters. And always be aware that there are people like me in the theater with you, who will be more than happy to set you straight-some verbally, some, alas, physically-if you mess with their theater-going experience!