Clark Mendel - the Man Who Failed Kindergarten Until He was 18 Years of Age

Most people think that kindergarten is easy. Clark Mendel isn't most people.

Clark Potroast Mendel was born on a cold summer's night in Five Forks, Alabama. His father Henry was a marine and his mother Jessie was a Proctologist (a person in the field of medicine who deals with diseases and disorders of the rectum, anus, colon and pelvic floor.) She was always concerned that Clark was going to end up with a disease commonly referred to as a "butt disease."

"Clark, now, you got to really dig around in there to make sure it is clean!" his mother would always proclaim.

"I do mother, I do," Clark would always reply.

Henry's career choice to become a marine would end up not a good one. He did not make enough money to support a family, and he only realized that after he already started one. He ended up taking that coward's way out by leaving a note for Jessie and running off.

The next day Jessie awoke and found the letter that Henry had left:
My Dearest Jessie,
I am so very sorry to leave this to you. I am not going to stay around any longer and destroy our child. You need somebody who can take care of you like you deserve. I am sorry. You will see me again one day soon. I love you and Clark.
- Henry

One day later Jessie dropped her darling Clark off at her old high school boyfriend's house, Justin Yale. She knows that he will take care of him well. She knows thinks that Clark will live a good life through Justin Yale, from a good education to a good career.

As morning began, Justin stepped outside with his cup of coffee and his robe on to gaze at the sun. Little did he know that once he stepped out that door, the thing that he stepped on would change his life forever.

"Ahh, good morning morning! I'll just take a step here and (he looks down) WHOA, what in Heaven's name is this little creature?" wondered Justin. "Hey Megan, Megan get out here and look at this!"

Megan (Justin's wife) steps out the front door and joins Justin in his amazement.

"Wow, it seems to be some kind of living creature. Hey look, he came with a note sweet!" yelled mother. Megan grabs the note and unfolds it to read the words written on it.
Dear Family,
Please take care of my son. He means so much to me, which is why it is hard for me to do this. His name is Clark Potroast Mendel. Thank you.
- Mysterious Stranger

"Well I'll be a baby's daddy, it looks like we just became parents to our seconds child! We go girl!" yelled Justin.

"We must go on and show him to Cindy!" begged Megan.

Cindy is the Yale's 14 year old smartbutt daughter who thinks she knows everything there is to know about anything.

The Yale's reentered their household and ran up the stairs dragging poor Clark by his arm. As they approach Cindy's room, (you can tell it's hers by all of the toilet paper art on her door) they open up her door and it smacks her in one of her many faces.

"Ouch!", she yelled, "I hate you S.O.B.'s so much! So so MUCH!"

"Now Cindy, you know the softball season isn't for another eight months. But now that that is out of the way, let us introduce you to your new baby brother Clark!" babbled Megan.

Poor little Clark looked at Cindy with his blonde hair partially covering his eyes, and he was missing his two front tooths. I guess you could say he was "off the hook".

Clark and Cindy warmed up to each other, especially by the time he started his first day of his first year of kindergarten.

His first day of his first year of kindergarten was just like any other day. He went to school. Cindy stayed home and knitted papa some more ties. But as the days began to pile on, we all knew that he was going to be in kindergarten for longer than you would define the term long.

"Clark, now I told you, you need to do better in kindergarten, or they are not going to pass you into the elusive first grade," said Megan.

"But Megan, I told you, I just do not get coloring...," replied Clark.

"And I told you, do not call me Megan. Call me Mommy, Mom, Mother, Mama, Sweet Legs, Uncle Meatball, Stepmother, Grandmother, Great Grandmother, or as your father used to call me back in high school, "Joe uh suh feena," babbled Momther.

"Mommy! We have a final exam tomoreow and we have to color inside the lines. I don't know how to do that!" yelled Clark furiously as he smashed their telemavision remote.

"Well, I will help you then. We can work together all night and prepare you for that final exam. No adopted son of mine will be seen as inferior!" Megan was dead set on not having her son fail. Even though he was from a different family, he was still their (adopted) child, and she was determined to have him pass.

"Ha! That spirit is dood.!" whispered Clark. Nobody did ever figure out what he meant by that.

So Megan spent all night helping Clark prepare for his final. She showed him why coloring inside the lines was very important, and that everybody must color in the lines for a democracy like ours to work. I mean, if somebody does not know how to color inside the lines, isn't that like, one of the first signs that somebody is a communist? Don't quote me on that, but I believe that is right.

Clark awoke fourteen hours early to get in a hardy breakfast. He had always heard from the TV that chocolate and Eggs was the best breakfast to get your day started. He first grabbed a hunk (ladies ;) ) and then a bottle of eggs.

"Maybe I should wait until Megan gets up..." thought Clark.

"No you must not!" said Clark's brain, "You must become a man. Mix up the chocolate and eggs. It will taste good!"

"Okay!" said Clark.

After Clark had disposed of the Choco-eggs, he sat in a chair and stared at the ceiling fan, until five hours later his mother awoke him for school.

"Clarky, time for school!" she yelled.

"Neato!" Clark utterly uttered.

Clark felt very prepared for his final, and believed that he truly had the stuff to become a legendary first grader.

He arrived at his school some forty-five minutes later and drove into his classroom. Ms. Ratz, his teacher, greeted him at the door and gave him the test.

"Well, glad that you could join us Mr. Mendel. It seems that you don't care as much as the rest of us to be here on time," said Ms. Ratz.

"But Ms. Ratz the bus was late," replied Clark.

"NO EXCUSES! Now sit down and start the test!" she yelled.

Clark looked at the test and began to sweat heavily. "Whatever am I going to do?" Clark thought. He gazed at the girl's test next to him.

"Get a life, loser!" she yelled.

Clark panicked. He just scribbled down answers and turned in his test. He got his test back at the end of the day, looked at it, then proceeded home. He arrived there 45 minutes later.

"So Clark, how did you do on the final?" she asked.

He showed she the tree branch.

"How in the world did you get a 1%? All you had to do was color inside the lines?!??!" asked Megan.

"I didn't know the test would be on a Scantron! Oh why did they not tell me that it was going to be on Scantron!" begged Clark. He had no idear that she couldn't.

"I can't. If you were not my son then I could show you my boobs and that would make things better, but I refuse to show my adopted son my boobs!" Actually, she was tempted to show Clark her boobs, buy she wasn't going to tell him that.

"WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!"

It wouldn't get any easier for Clark. Year after year after year after year he would take the same final exam, and somehow he would do worse and worse and worse and worse. His parents would get madder and madder and madder and madder and sometimes matter. They loved him, but sometimes that isn't enough.

"Clark, you are eighteen and still in kindergarten. When are you going to get it through your head that you need to move on?" asked Justin the dad.

"I told you daddy, I found this girl I like. She likes to listen to various bird calls, and she doesn't have to wear diapers anymore! (well, sorta) She is going to be my inspiration, because if I don't pass this time then I might never see her again. I have to prove to her parents that this is true love. And this is TRUE LOVE! Oh father you have no clue how I feel about this girl! She is Amazing!!!!" said Clark.

"Well, as long as you've got goals adopted son. And you're right, I do not know how you feel. I never loved Megan. My heart can only belong to this woman I used to know... Jessie," uncovered Father.

"That's nice!" yemi-died Clark.

Clark gave his heart and soul to the school. He wanted to pass.

"That's a good deal!" said the pineapple.

And the deal worked. Clark, then 18, and Mary, then 4, both moved on to the first grade. They were never seen apart, and eventually got married when Clark, then 18, and Mary, then 4, had there first child, Elizabeth. The family lived happily ever after