Classic Phoenix-area Winter Activities

If someone asked you for a list of things that Phoenix is famous for, you'd probably start with these:

1) Summer heat

2) Summer....can I get some water and SPF 1000?

3) Sum........so hooooot......*pass out, fall into cactus*

Four months out of the year, you'd be absolutely right. I mean, I had to wait until now to write this article so my typing wouldn't leave permanent fingerprints on the keys. Phoenix is famous for its soul-crushing summer heat.

However, while you may think of Phoenix and envision tumbleweeds and slow deaths by asphyxiation, the Valley of the Sun has so much more to offer! Believe it or not, we desert-dwellers have classic winter-time activities too. And while they may not make national news like when our citizens burst into flames, they sure can be fun. So, swing by Phoenix in December sometime, and try out one of these homegrown traditions yourself:

1) Rain parties: In Phoenix, it rains about as often as Donald Trump gets a new hairstyle. So, when the skies do open up over the Valley, you can count on two things happening. First, anyone in traffic will instantly lose their mind and slow to ten miles per hour. Second, everyone else will run outside and gaze into the sky, wondering if we're being invaded by tiny transparent aliens that splatter upon landing. What you may encounter after these events is the time-honored Rain Party, which functions much like a snow day in any normal part of the world. We get together, cook chili, play games, drink hot chocolate, stop to occasionally marvel at the miracle of precipitation, and wonder when it will again be safe to venture outdoors. Good times!

2) Yelling at snowbirds: Snowbirds are the human equivalent of a menstrual cycle. Three-quarters of the year Valley dwellers remain blissfully free of them, at times even managing to forget that they exist. Nevertheless, the darkness is always approaching. As soon as the mercury dips below eighty, the invasion begins, and Phoenix finds itself clogged with a wrinkly, blue-haired curse. See, every year you people send your grandparents here like it's some sort of camp retreat, apparently because for some reason anyplace colder will make their limbs freeze and snap off. So for three to four months every year, the streets are overrun with lumbering Buicks and Cadillacs that appear from the outside to be driven only by a pair of withered knuckles. Fortunately, because they're ancient and likely deaf, blind, forgetful, or some lethal combination of these, we can yell and honk at them in traffic with relative impunity. So, come to Phoenix and yell at an old person in traffic! You'll love it!

3) Bundling up when it's sixty degrees: My first winter in Phoenix, I spent most of the winter pointing and laughing at all my friends. Why? Because coming from the South, I was still comfortable in a t-shirt (sometimes only a t-shirt.....don't judge me), and the Phoenix winter was a joke. But when a year had passed and the next winter rolled around, something incredible happened. It was sixty degrees outside, and I was wearing a sweater and talking about hot soup! I had gone soft, America! My blood was so thin, I'm shocked it didn't just fall out of my ears. As time has passed, though, I've made peace with my newfound winter wimpery and embraced the love of blankets and fireplaces at temperatures where anyone else would be out swimming in the lake. Unfortunately, if you're just passing through, this isn't a phenomenon you can experience for yourself. But feel free to point and laugh if you're ever here when it's "cold".