Classical Classics of 2008

It's a little known fact that a little over a year ago a number of ancient philosophers briefly came back to life. Each wrote a book on his or her philosophy, but each was rejected by publishers who claimed they wouldn't sell well as there was little interest in the subjects. The publishers did, however, give suggestions to the philosophers on what would likely do well with the public at large. Luckily, the philosophers were able to finish these works before returning to Elysium. Each of these works is derived from the thought and life of each philosopher, albeit with a bit of a twist. A list of their works follows. Needless to say, not all have by exceptionally well received by all critics (but one can't please everyone).

A Guide to Driving by Pyrrho

I'll Give You Something to Meditate on, Baby: Scandalous Musings from a Roman Emperor by Marcus Aurelius

101 Killer Pork Recipes by Buddha

Hairstyling by Mahavira

Smart-mouthing Kings, Public Masturbation, and Other Ways to Amuse Yourself by Diogenes

Bald Dudes are Hot, Short Chicks are Not: A Dating Guide by Aristotle

A Pot of Cheese: Elegant Dining on a Budget by Epicurus

Democracy Inaction: Observations from a Visitor by Plato

Lawsuits for Dummies by Socrates

Don't Lose Your Head! How to Stay Calm under Pressure by Paul

Chastity and Continence... Eventually: A Self-Help Guide by Augustine

How to Change the World without Really Trying by Laozi

What I Really Say: An Intimate Autobiography by Confucius

Life and the Art of Dog Walking by Epictetus

Getting Your Hands into Politics by Using Your Head by Cicero

I Don't Know what this Book is About, Nor Do I Know That by Arcesilaus

Home Remedies by Heraclitus

Why You Can Never Become the Boss by Zeno of Elea

The Bankruptcy of the Message of Change by Parmenides

A Guide to Stargazing by Thales

Preparing for Death by Periander

Cooking without Beans by Pythagoras

An Introduction to Volcanism by Empedocles

Great Honeymoon Ideas by Crates and Hipparchia

Tips for Public Speaking by Metrocles

Circulation Problems in the Elderly by Seneca

This Book is the "One" You're Looking For and Other Jokes for All Occasions by Plotinus

I'm Just Not that into You: How to Break off the Relationship without Breaking his Heart by Hypatia

Do-It-Yourself Surgery by Origen

A Summary of All Works by Classical Philosophers Written in the Year 2008 CE by Diogenes Laertius