Cleveland Claims to Have Largest Presidential Penis

Twenty-second and twenty-fourth United States president, Grover Cleveland, boasted in a recent interview with CNN journalist Anderson Cooper that he possesses the largest penis ever to grace the Oval Office.

"My cock is bigger than any Republican, Democrat, Whig, or what have you ever to saunter in here. Even bigger than Lincoln, and mind you I think he was a fine fellow and a shoe-in for second place, but I've got him beat where it counts," Cleveland stated as he stroked his walrus mustache. Cooper was taken off guard and the camera crew was signaled to cut to a commercial break.

"That was out of the blue, I didn't ask him anything to remotely suggest that he start going off about his genitals," said a flustered Cooper following the interview. The CNN journalist and host of "Anderson Cooper 360" had indeed merely asked a question concerning Cleveland's handling of the tariff issue during his presidency.

Cleveland was escorted from the set of the show shortly after the camera crew stopped filming. As he was brought off the premises, security guards told this reporter that Cleveland continued to speak about his penis. Allegedly he compared the length of his erect phallus to a large lake whitefish he had taken out of Lake Erie in 1885. This claim is likely exaggerated, for the fish in question may reach lengths of seventeen to twenty-two inches.

Gary Freeburg, a biologist who studies fish of the Great Lakes responded to the claim by stating that "unless he caught a baby, there's no way that guy's sporting a dick that size of a whitefish. Those are hefty fish." Further evidence suggests that even if Cleveland's statement was correct, then even a partial erection would deprive his brain of enough blood to cause a massive stroke.

The verity of Cleveland's allegation is unable to be tested at the moment. Cleveland's wife Frances Folsom was unable to be reached for comment, nor was Maria Crofts Halpin, who supposedly gave birth to Cleveland's illegitimate child in the early 1870s. A lack of proper documentation of presidential penis size in the National Archives has further hampered efforts to unveil the truth.