Closing the Hasp on My Fannie Tarp

You may be wondering: whence comes such a man? How can such a man -- a man barely capable of doing his own laundry, a man who thinks 2 of the major food groups are Chinese buffet and Chinese take-away -- how can such a man pull off this economic stunt?

Quite simple, really. Since I originally bought the house from Countrywide, and Countrywide was bought by Bank of America, and Bank of America was bought by your children and mine, and your children and mine were bought by some serious Chinese take-away, everybody wins. That's the undiscovered beauty of our new economy. That's the gentle, grasping, government-mandated sharing aspect that schemes to make us all partners, and roommates, and co-signers, and co-conspirators.

The new America. Everybody wins and nobody loses, as long as everybody is willing to be a nobody.

Everybody chipped in, everybody helped, nobody was asked, nobody agreed. Everybody is potentially liable, nobody is accountable. And everybody has an ownership stake in my home. (By the way, your day to mow the lawn is Tuesday)

I know that Tuesday is your day, because I looked it up in the Constitution. And nowhere does it specifically say that Tuesday is NOT your day. So there. Suit up, citizen.

However, the enumerated rights granted by our Constitution clearly do define my inalienable right to live in a large house. Trust me. It's right there on page 5, or 18, or 2, or thereabouts, just before my inalienable right to leave my car running at the airport's baggage drop-off, and right after my inalienable right to vote more than once if American Idol is really, really close.

So the upshot is, I (you, us) refinanced my (your, our) home. Thanks to President ObamaPrompter, Barney Franklin Mint, House Speaker Lugosi Pelosi, Freddie Mac-And-Cheese, Fannie Bryce, and a plethora of political pod people, there's a raft of new financing options for qualifying real estate, including airless cul-de-sacs on Mars. Thanks to TARP, HASP and ABOOSA (A Bunch Of Other Stupid Acronyms), I knocked a few points off my interest rate, knocked a few bucks off my payment and, via the closing costs, knocked out 4 or 5 boat payments for the closing banker and his/her/its lawyer.

The transaction itself was pleasant and painless. I was contacted by phone, by someone who almost spoke English. Not to worry, though: the eager caller was obviously reading from a script. My caller efficiently informed me of ... um ... well, it had to be one of two things: either I could refinance my loan, or I could refry ants by June.

Now, don't tag me as grump. I have no problem with consummating massive, unsecured, life-altering financial transactions over the phone, with people I've never met who sound like unpaid extras in an old John Wayne movie. But I did have a few niggling questions first. And, given the current state of our economy, the answers made perfect sense...

Only a very, very preliminary credit check! No appraisal required! No job, no credit, no functioning internal organs? No problem! And let's just glide past the attorney fees, banker fees, consulting attorney fees, city fees, county fees, flood plain fees, plain old fees, no-seize fees, pre-sneeze fees, bee's knees fees, roaming fees, call waiting, discount points (I love that one, "discount points") and closing costs! No worries! We'll just wrap those into your loan!!!

You gotta love all the fees, all the filing costs, all the extras, all the dark little agencies that have wormed their way into American real estate transactions.

Flood plain fees. I have to pay someone to confirm that I don't live in a flood plain. Oh, please. First off, I only just bought the house 2 years ago, and paid the same drone for the same test then. Besides, there hasn't been a flood round here since Ham's papa was sizing things up with the Old Testament cubitstick and stocking up on shovels.

But it's now a done thing. We refinanced us. We'll send us a bill for the closing costs, which we won't pay, and then I'll have to sue myself.

Wonder if I'll take a post-dated check?