Closing the Reluctantly Open Relationship

Q: My girlfriend and I agreed to an open relationship while we were attending school. I went out of state while she stayed home. I now have my Bachelor's but she still has a year to go and I will be working on my Master's here in town. The problem is that now that I am coming back into town I want to be exclusive and she doesn't yet. She says she needs to discover herself and wishes to keep the relationship open until we are both ready to marry. I feel that I am ready for that kind of commitment but I am having doubts if I want it to be with her because she just won't commit. I love hear dearly but I feel like I am being used. Am I being used?

A: To put it bluntly - yes you are. Especially if you are giving her any kind of financial support I guarantee you are being used. While we would wish that people would be a little more mature and not "use" others for free money - it seems to happen more and more. It has even become more elaborate with identity theft becoming so prominent in the world, these thieves don't even need to be in a relationship anymore - just take what they want. Even if you are just giving her your love and moral support you are being used - you are the "best friend" she can count on to be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on or a friend to talk to.

Your reluctance to be in an open relationship states that you were probably never comfortable with this in the first place. I know many couples that have happy open relationships - even 2 husbands or 2 wives - and they get along splendidly. The difference between them and you is that these relationships only work when ALL parties involved want it. You obviously don't, and I'm probably guessing right that her "other parties" don't know she is with you in an open relationship. If they do then they are obviously not comfortable sharing her with you. Either way you need to sit down with her now and explain to her that she needs to either commit to you - and you alone - or she needs to walk away now. Better to end this relationship now than to commit to marriage and find her in the janitor's closet with another man 5 minutes before you take your vows! I know this is blunt but she needs to know that she cannot use you for financial or moral support and be messing around with other men.