CNN, FoxNews & MSNBC Report

Rome Sacked by Barbarians
CNN: Liberating Goth forces dealt a blow for democracy as they looted the decadent city of Rome. Senators and the despot-for-life have abandoned their charge of the citizenry and are fleeing the city. Goth leaders promise a new order as soon as an equitable, progressive tax system can be put in place to pay for the rebuilding.

FoxNews: Civilization as we know it was dealt a blow as marauding barbarians overran the fair and ancient city of Rome. Brave Roman defenders where worn down by the Goth's uncivilized warfare tactics. The Senate-in-absentia promised to retake the city and relieve the plebeians of the heavy barbarian taxation. The Emperor vowed to stop the barbaric practice of killing the general populous by the sword and restore the time-honored tradition of gladiatorial executions.

MSNBC: Bread production halted; reporter to be dispatched as soon as the Associated Press releases more information.

The Crusades
CNN: East-West relations took a step backwards today when negotiations between the hard-line Papacy and Muslim rulers of some historic cities in Palestine broke down. The tyrannical Pope refused to re-engage talks or make conciliatory offerings and has authorized a clearly illegal military action against the region's legitimate authority.

FoxNews: The illegal Muslim regime that wrenched control of Christianity's holiest shrines from the Byzantine Empire less than 500 years ago has cut off the negotiations for pilgrim's safe passage. The Pope justly called for a Holy Crusade to restore the balance of power in the area.

MSNBC: Pope calls for Crusade in holy lands. Next, a look at fashions for the well dressed conscript.

King John Signs Magna Carta
CNN: A major step forward for the common man happened today as the people's representatives, aptly named nobles, convinced the king to sign a pivotal document. The Magna Carta assures rights for all.

FoxNews: Rogue noblemen forced the hand of King John to sign the Magna Carta. With the power to levy taxes now in the hands of men without the blessing of divine right, the economy is predicted to take a downturn in the coming months.

MSNBC: Magna Carta signing spawns new reality series, "Habeas Corpus," where contestants vie to be released from a dungeon. Preview next.

The American Revolutionary War
CNN: Democratic ideals spread like wildfire among the Colonies. Unfair British taxes to blame. Tax reform now in the hands of the people who will do a better job.

FoxNews: Radical elements protest tea tax ironically by dumping precious cargo into Boston harbor. Can the safety of the status quo be restored?

MSNBC: Global warming indicted as possible cause for severe Pennsylvania winter.

Congressman Mark Foley Resigns
CNN: Congressman Foley resigned when confronted with evidence of improper sexual advances towards male pages. This developing story, though still light on facts, promises to bring down the entire Republican stranglehold on Congress.

FoxNews: Congressman Foley resigns under suspicious circumstances. How much did the Democratic Party know in advance of this breaking story? And why would Democrats hold back information that endangers America's children?

MSNBC: Florida admitted to the Union.

2006 Election Results: Republicans hold majority in both Houses of Congress
CNN: Nearly half of American voices silenced by suspect election results; voting irregularities to undergo investigation.

FoxNews: America speaks loudly and clearly. Election results confirm that America is on the right track towards a stable government and a growth economy.

MSNBC: With 58% of the votes counted, we are calling Florida for Al Gore.

Asteroid on Collision Course with Earth
CNN: Lack of Federal funding in space research has allowed a life extinguishing asteroid to go unnoticed until it was too late to stop. When asked for solutions, the Republican lead Congress could provide no response.

FoxNews: Democratic stall tactics that caused frozen Federal funding for our nation's space research have allowed the wrath of the All Mighty to rain his indignant, judicial fire from the sky. FoxNews predicts the asteroid's impact directly on the Capital building.

MSNBC: Life as we know it to end. Next, a rebroadcast of a Discovery Channel program, "What killed the dinosaurs?"

Second Coming of Jesus Christ
CNN: Holy smoke? Who knew it was for real?

FoxNews: Republicans and the other just, taken in rapture. Enjoy the flames sinners.

MSNBC: Christ returns. Details at 11pm eastern.