Co-Narcissism: Adapting to a Narcissistic Parent

A large portion of psychotherapy patients, says Dr. Alan Rappoport, had at least one narcissistic parent. Consequently, they developed certain behaviors, personalities and worldviews in response to their narcissistic parent(s). Dr. Rappoport coined the term co-narcissists to describe such children (and adult children) of narcissists. As I read his article on this subject, I was stunned; for I immediately recognized myself. My mother, you see was (and is) a narcissist.

What is a Narcissist?

Almost everyone has some narcissistic traits. We have all met the occasional braggart, name-dropper, and egotist. At times, most of us have been all of those things as well. But this is common narcissism, arising from our common insecurities and our common needs to feel "special." This is not the same as psychologically diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Those with NPD, appropriately enough, are "special" narcissists.

Common Symptoms

According to theMayo Clinic, some of the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include:

*Believing that they are superior to others

*Looking down on others

*Exaggerating their achievements and talents

*Expecting constant praise and attention

*Lacking empathy toward others

*Having a fragile self esteem

*Expecting others go along with their plans

*Appearing tough

*Disregarding-not even recognizing-the needs of others

*Jealousy of others and always thinking that others are jealous of them

In addition, those with NPD use intimidation to maintain the perfect, superior images they have of themselves. For instance, they can frequently fly into a rage if you disagree with, or criticize, them.

Psst...psst...they're not all THAT

On the outside, those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder act intimidating, pompous, and egotistical. Inside, however, they are a quivering mass of insecurity. This is why they developed NPD in the first place-to ease their insecurities.

These people do not-I repeat, do NOT-want you to know that they are not all THAT. They will go to any lengths to hide their imperfections and, if that doesn't work, they will viciously turn on you for not recognizing their superiority.

Such was the case with my mother.

My Mother the Narcissist

*We were late to church every Sunday so that, I'm quite sure, my mother could disrupt the service, and be noticed, as she walked down the aisle-all the way to the FRONT pew.

*My mother never listened to anything any of her children, or husband, said. All roads of communication always led back to her. Always.

*Almost daily, my mother had a new story about another man making a "pass" at her.

*My mother was highly critical of others. As soon as guests left our house, for instance, she would verbally tear down, and condemn, everything about them.

*We were not allowed to ever disagree with her. We were expected to be good little puppets that readily accepted, without complaint, her "wisdom."

*In her view, nothing was ever her fault. Everyone else was responsible for every negative thing-never her. But she took full credit for everything that was positive.

*Things were never quiet in our house for long. To be noticed (I assume) Mom would start a fight with someone. These fights weren't just arguments, either. They were dramatic (and traumatic) exercises of lungpower, intimidation, and fear.

My mother did not think about, or care, what affect her behavior might have on her children. But she did have an effect on us. Out of her seven children, five of us (including me) have sought psychotherapy for problems stemming from her twisted way of relating to the human "things" around her.

Myself, the Co-Narcissist

In his article, "Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents," Dr. Rappoport equates co-narcissism with co-dependency, in that both types adopt behaviors that help the "sick" one (the narcissist or the alcoholic) continue their harmful behaviors. Co-dependent people are typically referred to as "enablers" of the alcoholic, or sick, person. Though I assume that co-narcissists similarly "enable" the narcissist, I do not like to use that term when it concerns children. Enabling implies choice, and children have no choice. Children rely totally on their caretakers; thus they have to enable the narcissist in order to survive.

Regardless of what term is used, however, Dr. Rappoport says that the children of narcissists either become narcissists themselves, or they become co-narcissists, as a way to cope with their narcissistic parent(s).

According to Dr. Rappoport, some of the traits of a co-narcissist are:

*low self-esteem

*work hard to please others

*defer to others' opinions

*focus on others' world views and are unaware of their own orientations

*often depressed or anxious

*find it hard to know how they think and feel about a subject

*doubt the validity of their own views and opinions (especially when these conflict with others' views)

*take the blame for interpersonal problems

I have all of those traits and have suffered because of them. I just know that other people are better than me, for instance. I discount my own feelings all the time, telling myself that I should not feel like I feel. I give others' opinion much more weight than I give my own. And self-esteem?

FORGET IT.

A Recovering Co-Narcissist

My name is Christine (de LaGrange) Mattice, and I am a recovering co-narcissist.

But I have started the recovery process. Now that I can see my mother's behavior toward me, and others, for what it was-the desperate denial of her inferiority-I no longer wilt under the possibility of her disapproval. She does not scare me now. She no longer has power over my happiness or my unhappiness, over my success or my failure, over my confidence or my inferiority.

She no longer owns my soul.

SOURCES

http://www.alanrappoport.com/

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms