Co-dependent Families

"You know you are co-dependent if, when you die, someone else's life flashes before your eyes."

While this saying is in some ways humurous, it also provides a fairly accurate idea of what we mean when we use the term "co-dependent." The word itself was originally created to describe the behaviors exhibited by people from dysfunctional family environments. While the term is still most commonly associated with families in which one member is either alcoholic or drug dependent, today it is widely known that the behaviors, thoughts, and belief systems exhibited by co-dependent people are seen in a wide variety of family environments.

As a general definition, a co-dependent person is an individual whose life revolves around either one other person, or several other people. In the family where one member is alcohol or drug dependent, for example, other "co-dependent" family members are overly preoccupied with what the alcoholic does, or is going to do. There is an almost constant level of worry, fear, and anxiety; emotions which revolve around the behavior or percieved behavior of the subtance dependent person. The same pattern of thinking can be seen in many other types of dysfunctional families, however. Many battered women, for instance, display a tendency toward co-dependent thinking, as their lives are consumed with either the real or projected actions of the abusive person. Dependencies of varying degrees can also be created in families where one member experiences a severe injury or illness, as the rest of the family becomes preoccupied with the injured or ill family member.

Co-dependency can and does exist in families with more subtle forms of dysfunction, as well. A child with overly protective parents can become both dependent and co-dependent in his later years, because of the family environment. As this child grows up within the family environment he may come to believe that he cannot function on his own, or would not be able to survive without the help and protection of his parents. In this case the family environment has created a dependent child. The child's dependency on the parent can also create it's own form of co-dependency, as well. Suppose that one of the parents becomes sick, for instance. The child then becomes preoccupied with the health of the ailing parent, and co-dependent behaviors result.

Co-dependency in families without other significant issues was a fairly common phenonemon just a few decades ago. In a time when it was still widely believed and accepted that a "woman's place" was in the home and her time should be spent "raising her family", it was not uncommon for a woman's entire life to revolve around her children. The widely upheld social standards of the time greatly encouraged the mother's excessive precoccupation with the lives of her children. A lack of interests outside of the family, or activities in her life that did not involve her children, would lead to severe depression, and a sense of "loss of self" when the children finally "left the nest." (Hence the term "Empty nest syndrome.")

Today, co-dependency is still relatively common in our society. It takes many different forms, and springs up in a variety of different relationships. If you are skeptical, consider how many popular song lyrics reinforce co-dependent ideas. These ideas are expressed in phrases such as "You are my everything" and "I can't live without you." These types of thoughts and beliefs are unhealthy for both the co-dependent person, and the person who is the focus of the co-dependent behaviors. Yet, somehow this type of thinking is still promoted, and widely accepted in our society, by people of all ages and from all walks of life.

While co-dependent people tend to focus on others as the source of their happiness and security, people who are not co-dependent pursue their own interests, and feel secure when standing on their own. Being free from co-dependent thoughts and behaviors creates opportunities to give and take love in ways that the co-dependent person cannot. Since co-dependent people believe that they "need" another person to survive, they most often view themselves as victims in relationships. They also have a difficult time accepting that they have a choice, as far as their relationships are concerned.

Breaking patterns of co-dependency in families can be difficult, but by doing so all family members can become happier and healthier people. Patterns of co-dependency are often broken by:

1. Establishing healthy boundaries

2. Refusing to be munipulated or guilted into doing things for another family member

3. Making an effort to pursue outside interests, and experience life a part from the other family member

4. Encouraging the other person to develop and pursue outside interests as well