Cohiba Offendido

It's a sad day indeed when a freedom-loving, capitalistic American columnist has to quote a Frenchman, long dead for 230 years, as an opening salvo, but here goes: "common sense is not so common." If Voltaire had not said it first, Mark Twain surely would have. Imagine telling a fellow like Mark Twain, upon entering a cigar bar in Boston, that he could not in fact smoke a cigar there. I'm trying to imagine the look on his face; probably one of amusement, then perhaps confusion, moving on to contempt, and eventually disgust. But Mark Twain was of a different time, a less informed time. Thank goodness that today we have the wizened sages known as the Boston Public Health Commission to light the way for the rest of us self-destructive dullards. Soon it may be illegal to smoke a cigar in a cigar bar in that beloved city where a mere 235 years ago angry citizens dressed up as Indians and boarded ships, seized its precious herbal cargo, and dumped it into the harbor. This Boston Tea Party grew synonymous with "people not takin' any crap" where their freedoms were concerned. Sure, it had nothing to do with cigars, but I'll bet that more than a few of the participants retired to a nearby tavern after the deed was done and told of their rebellious exploits over a fat stogie. I wonder what the look on their faces would be? I am beginning to worry that the "no urinating in public toilets" or the "no driving on city streets" people may get word of this, it could end common sense as we know it.

What's that, Mister College Student supported by his parents? Do I understand that second-hand smoke kills? Well, I might understand that better, if you could supply, oh, perhaps a name of someone who's actually died of second-hand smoke. No name, huh? Even if you could name such a person, he would no doubt have been subjected to many years of prolonged exposure to smoke -- a waitress in a casino perhaps. And now that we know there is a potential problem of such exposure, it might behoove a person to, say, not get a job at a place where smoke constantly hangs thick in the air. These places will be easy to spot for anyone with eyes, or a nose even. For example, what do you think might be going on in a place called "Ted's Cigar Lounge," or "Fred's Cigarette Inhaling Room," or "Ed's Watch Repair Shop"? Do I have abilities beyond those of mortal men if I can tell what sort of behavior is taking place in these establishments without even entering them? If my watch is working, I'm not going to be at Ed's, and if I have asthma, or even if I just don't like the smell of smoke, I probably won't go to Ted's or Fred's.

Maybe it's the abundance of media outlets and blogs written by 28-year-olds who live in their mother's garage that are beginning to confuse people. Even after you sift through all the conspiracy frabba jabba and find some kernels of truth, looking at too many of these kernels can actually lead you away from that truth. This is why people still think JFK was killed by more than one gunman, or the Mafia, or the CIA, there's a such thing as too many facts. From 30-thousand feet up, looking down on the whole matter, we can see that it was Lee Harvey Oswald. And he did it by himself, and he did it because he was a communist and he hated America. There you go. Likewise if you analyzed every possible mechanical thing that could go wrong on your next flight to San Francisco for the latest Global Warming Summit, you'd probably still be frozen in front of your Macbook with acute "fact paralysis." Sometimes you need to back up, take a look at the whole picture and say, "this is America, and in America we are allowed to smoke cigars in cigar bars." Any other conclusion you reach about this topic is wrong. Should this occur, simply tell yourself you must be wrong, and rethink it until you come up with the right answer. Cigar bars are for smoking cigars, Oswald acted alone, planes seldom crash.... If we apply these simple rules to life, we just might find that more of it kinda makes sense.