College Football Rivalries: The Top Five Bedlam Brawls

Since sports fans love to argue (or more accurately, shout slurred statements in stadiums) about whether their team is better than their rival's, we've decided to put an end to any questions one may have about who is ultimately the best in some of the nation's biggest rivalries. The formula for determining rival superiority is extremely scientific and complicated. We consider the team's criminal record, celebrity backers, and mascot ferocity to ascertain who would win in a fight. A real, down-and-dirty, head-to-head, no-holds-barred brawl.

1. Auburn vs. Alabama
Auburn thug ranking: The biggest scandal in Auburn's recent history went down a few years ago when it was discovered that 18 football players were cruising through classes with high grades and almost zero work. Shame on those hoodlums, but in our hypothetical dogfight, that won't even leave a mark.

Alabama thug ranking: In 2003, 'Bama's head coach spent hundreds of dollars at a strip club in Pensacola and then followed it up by ordering $1,000 worth of room service at his hotel, both of which were charged to the university's tab. This is definitely skanky and may point to the potential for dirty below-the-belt jabs in combat; however, after a grand's worth of pampering this fighter could be sluggish.

Auburn's cameo fighter: American Idol winner Taylor Hicks attended Auburn and has even performed at football games since his induction into reality TV stardom. His height is a definite bonus for Auburn's fight squad, but because he grew up cheering on the Tide with his 'Bama grad dad, his allegiance may be called into question. This is a risky addition for Auburn; Hicks could melt their hearts with soulful song then stab them in the backs.

Alabama's cameo fighter: Sela Ward, of Fox's House, was a cheerleader during her time at Alabama and now narrates the university's nationally-televised promos. Ward has some serious Tide in her blood, so she'd be a feisty fighter. Plus, her cheerleading experience would be good for morale.

Auburn's sidekick: Aubie the Tiger is a cuddly clothes-wearing, sideline-dancing feline. Though he may seem like a friendly house pet, never underestimate a jungle predator's instincts. Aubie could turn out to be a fierce fighter, and with a set of claws and teeth on its side, Auburn is looking like a formidable opponent.

Alabama's sidekick: Big Al is the Wave-starting elephant who gives a face to the otherwise shadowy Crimson Tide. He's large and lumpy and doesn't exactly look like an agile scrapper, but then again, with the right training he might turn out be a fearsome war elephant. Plus elephants are basically the tanks of the animal kingdom.

Final score: Alabama 2-Auburn 1

2. Florida vs. Georgia
Florida thug ranking: Early this football season during the game against Miami University, 171 Florida fans were either arrested or thrown out of the stadium for unlawful behavior and possession of alcohol. This mob mentality will definitely play to Florida's advantage in a brawl, because there's strength in numbers; however, we all know that punches thrown whilst hammered don't always connect.

Georgia thug ranking: Before the season officially started this fall, some Georgia players were involved in a bar fight in which two had to be hospitalized after being hit over the head with beer bottles. What's wrong fellas, not hardheaded enough to take the hits? This doesn't look good for battle performance.

Florida's cameo fighter: Dallas Cowboys legend Emmitt Smith got his start at Florida and more recently won ABC's Dancing with the Stars with his suave samba skills. A showman at heart, his passion for performance will ensure a good fight, but we question whether he's a team player or if he'll hog the limelight.

Georgia's cameo fighter: Herschel Walker began his football career at Georgia before going on to play for the Dallas Cowboys, Minnesota Vikings, Philadelphia Eagles, and the New York Giants. He won the Heisman at UGA and is now considered one of the best football players of all time. We're giving this guy major points for his professional achievements, and also because we really don't want to piss him off.

Florida's sidekick: Albert and Alberta the Gators are the duo of American Alligators who look more like a couple of middle-aged parents than ferocious swamp-dwelling carnivores. Despite their frump factor, American Alligators are irritable and aggressive, and a bite could cause serious bacterial diseases. If these two give into their instincts, they'll be a great addition to Florida's sideline.

Georgia's sidekick: Uga (pronounced UH-guh) is the live English bulldog that dons a jersey every game day and patrols the stadium on a leash. That droopy face makes you want to cuddle with him and stuff Little Smokies in his mouth rather than run in terror. He's not going to amount to much against two alligators, but that smooshy face will certainly give Georgia something to fight for.

Final score: Florida 2-Georgia 1

3. Harvard vs. Yale
Harvard's thug ranking: We had to dig deep for dirt on these Ivy Leaguers, but their records weren't as pristine as they let on. A couple of years ago the captain and quarterback of the football team was arrested for assault and battery, domestic abuse, and breaking and entering his girlfriend's dorm room. If Harvard can rekindle some of that drunken rage, this gentlemen's game could get ugly.

Yale's thug ranking: The same year as the Harvard QB's violent incident, Yale's quarterback was arrested for breaching the peace along with his running back buddy who was also docked for criminal mischief. The two were involved in a fight with three Yale hockey players which resulted in a broken window of a downtown establishment. This sort of criminal mischief in numbers will be quite valuable. And broken windows-come on, that's badass.

Harvard's cameo fighter: Prior to combating rogue aliens in Men In Black, Tommy Lee Jones was an offensive tackle for Harvard's football team. This guy can play a pretty hardcore marshal/sheriff, so we know he's probably packing. But does this space cowboy have the balls to be lawless?

Yale's cameo fighter: George W. Bush allegedly played rugby at Yale. To avoid a governmental confrontation, we'll just let you draw your own conclusions on whether this president's a powerhouse or a pansy.

Harvard's sidekick: John Harvard is a pilgrim who wears a football uniform and a nasty scowl. We all know that the kindergarten story tells us the pilgrims were friendly folk who shared their recipes for pumpkin pie with the natives, but they also shared a slew of nasty diseases. Who knows what kind of contagious viruses John Harvard might spread to his team. This addition won't be healthy for the colony.

Yale's sidekick: In Yale's corner we have Handsome Dan, the live bulldog. This pooch plods the sidelines, winning "aww"s from the crowd and treats from his handler. Yale's lump-o-fur could easily be brushed aside as unthreatening; however, Yale's dogs are actually trained to destroy anything the color of Harvard crimson.

Final Score: Yale 2-Harvard 1

4. Oklahoma vs. Texas
Oklahoma's thug ranking: In 2006, OU's quarterback Rhett Bomar and teammate J.D. Quinn were both kicked off the team for a scandal in which they were paid $17,000 for work they didn't actually do at a local car dealership. Yeah, it was shady and illegal, but mostly it was just stupid. This makes us question whether they're capable of making intelligent decisions in battle.

Texas' thug ranking: In 2007, UT's football team racked up a bevy of criminal offenses. With various players cited for committing obstruction, aggravated robbery, drugs, and a handful of DUIs, these Longhorns have a knack for getting into trouble. Aggravated, obstructive, drunk, and drugged is a winning formula for a fight crew in our hypothetical brawl.

Oklahoma's cameo fighter: Country singer Toby Keith is one of Oklahoma's most devoted football fans. Though he didn't attend the school, he is often seen supporting the Sooners at games and practices. This patriotic country boy isn't afraid of controversy (especially when he's backing a solid cause), but he'd better buck up for this battle. These feuders ain't no Dixie Chicks.

Texas' cameo fighter: Hollywood hottie Matthew McConaughey is a UT alum and even makes an occasional appearance at Longhorn games. Unless OU's team is made up of gushy girls who'll faint at the first sight of his scruffle, the bongo-banging nudist won't pull much weight for Texas.

Oklahoma's sidekick: OU's mascot is the Sooner Schooner, a covered wagon led by a pair of mini-horses. Honestly, we don't know how this could be at all useful in a fight against UT. Ponies and prairie travel vehicles aren't formidable in the least.

Texas' sidekick: Bevo is the Longhorn steer that represents UT by docilely standing in the end zones during all home and some away football games. Though the massive sharp horns look dangerous, these animals aren't aggressive, and Bevo would most likely be a huge obstruction for this team of fighters.

Final score: Texas 2-Oklahoma 1

5. USC vs. UCLA
USC's thug ranking: We've all heard the old news of Reggie Bush accepting more than $100,000 from marketing agents while playing football at USC, but next to that, the Trojans' more recent criminal encounters (mostly DUIs) seem eensy. These chaps may be good fighters, but without a monetary (or alcoholic) incentive, will they even bother?

UCLA's thug ranking: UCLA's assistant football coach was arrested on suspicion of residential burglary last year. He wasn't charged for the crime, but he does have a criminal record involving concealed weapons and disturbing the peace. With this guy leading the team, it looks like they could learn the way of the gangsta.

USC's cameo fighter: Funny guy Will Ferrell is an alumnus and big USC fan. Knowing he has the agility of an ice dancer, the spirit of an elf, and can hold his own around collegians, Mugatu would be a stellar member of this squad.

UCLA's cameo fighter: With all the professional sports events, entertainment, and premiers happening in LA, celebs don't tend to frequent the college games. Despite this, we'll give 'em a few not-so-spirited alums to bulk up the crew. Jack Black, Ben Stiller, and James Franco all attended UCLA. The numbers would be good for UCLA, but if their hearts aren't in the fight we think Will Ferrell could take that trio.

USC's sidekick: The Trojan Traveler is a white horse ridden by a Trojan warrior who patrols the sidelines during games. This guy looks fierce, and we all know the historic Trojans were killing machines. USC will get some major points with their Trojan Traveler, and it's looking like blood spillage is inevitable.

UCLA's sidekick: Joe and Josephine Bruin are the costumed couple who represent UCLA. Originally the school used live bears, but when someone decided they were too dangerous to have around, the plush costumes were adopted. Bruins (Brown Bears) in real life can be quite dangerous and aggressive, so the fight with our little Trojan looks to be a pretty even match (not to mention messy, slobbery, and bloody).

Final score: It's a tie. This feud's going into overtime.

Unigo.com