College Student's Guide to Managing Hovering Parents

So you're off to college! Congratulations, high school graduate. That was quite an accomplishment in the first place, pat yourself on the back. Now you're onto the real deal, college! Life on your own! Fun times, new people, learning what you've always wanted to learn, it all sounds great. Except for the hovering parents problem, or "helicopter parents' syndrome" as I like to call it.

If you've got parents that call you every day to see what you're doing, send you emails constantly to follow up on that slight couch that emanated from your voice during the last phone conversation, here are some hints to help with the problem.

- First off, go to college far, far away from your parents. Seriously, you guys. If you try and save money by living at home or going somewhere nearby, it'll just mean your parents can come visit anytime they like and you'll be that much more under their gaze. In the end you'll get angry, frustrated, and wish you listened to my advice. Since it costs more to go out of state, just find the college that's the farthest miles away from your home while still being in the same state.

- Tell your parents you have a horrible new disease that can be transmitted over the phone, somehow. Then when they start sending you emails tell them the entire campus computer network has crashed and won't be back up for days.

- Get caller ID on your cell phone, and whenever your parents call just don't answer, and tell your mom or dad that you "were in class". When they ask what class meets at 11am on a Sunday morning, explain that due to the excess of students in your Math 101 class, your discussion section meets on the weekends, and at night, and during the week. And to lay off.

- Get a job! This is the most important thing, because if you have your own spending money you won't have to beg and plead with the parents for your own money. Plus, you can tell them that you'll pay them a dollar for every day they don't call. It's worth the money, I'm telling you.

- Study like crazy and get good grades your first semester/quarter. Tell them you're too busy studying to answer their phone calls. Show them your grades at the end of the first semester, then continue this excuse for every subsequent semester, even when you're partying your butt off.

- Ask your parents if they remember their time at college. If they say yes, tell them that you have twice as much work and half as much time, with today's go-go society and all. You might want to finish that conversation with a good old fashioned rant, like "So Mom and Dad, if you really want me to do well you'll have to stop calling so I can actually get things done around here". If they say no, tell them you're doing twice as many drugs as they did and drinking twice as much, and they're just giving you more of a headache. You might want to finish that conversation with an "Oh damn here come the cops!" followed by a quick hang-up of the phone. Then take two aspirin and go back to sleep.

Good luck dealing with the hovering parents; it's not easy and many students give up, drop out, and become used car salesman. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Really.