College Translations

Back in May I graduated from the ever so prestigious Framingham State College. Ok so it's not that prestigious, but doesn't every school claim to be? I mean, who is going to go to the school that boasts mediocrity or an average reputation. So like any mediocre school would Framingham tried to find fun little facts to jazz up its reputation. So let's look at the great institution I came from.

One of the first things Framingham State is always proud to mention is their location in regards to Boston. It is just 20 miles west of the fine city of Boston. If you take a look at their website, (www.framingham.edu) you'll be able to see the claim, "the College offers all the cultural and social benefits of the city without the pressures and inconveniences of living there.", translation- you don't have to go to the city to get sexually assaulted, jumped, or have your wallet stolen because this campus is located minutes away from Downtown Framingham where there's always a chance of the good old' city mischief that some would think you could only find in a large city like Boston. Personally I'd rather take my chances with a larger police presence in Boston. In my four year tenure at Framingham State it was a rarity to have more than 2 weeks go by without seeing some sort of campus safety bulletin asking students to beware of an 18-35 year old male that was driving around campus playing tug of war with his groin. Love that city charm.

Let's be honest though it's not just Framingham State who does this, they're not the first school to ever try to make themselves look good. That's their job isn't it? But in honor of my alma mater and to help those parents and kids who are looking at schools let's have a look at what some schools are telling people these days.

One of my favorites is when schools boast of low student/teacher ratios. This basically means that with this low ratio it will give the students a chance to get more one on one time with their professors. Now for the translation (*DADS TAKE NOTICE*), this will give your attractive 18 year old daughter, with an impressionable mind the opportunity to "take advantage" of her 28 year old professors office hours, and maybe even up her grade a little with some extra credit work. Please take note that this professor may even be famous due to the campus safety bulletins I mentioned earlier.

Some schools like to claim that they are making improvements to their campus on a regular basis. Throw up the red flag here. I know what you're thinking, "Improvements? Great, they're making things better!" NO! Not the case. Find a school that feels it doesn't need to improve anymore because it's already a good place to be, or a school that has just recently made improvements. Otherwise you or your child will spend the next four years walking around in academia filled with construction sites, jackhammers, and school resources off limits due to renovations.

One of the most ridiculous selling points on any school is diversity. Now diversity is a great thing, I'm not from the school of Michael Richards (ohhhhhh Kramer). Diversity really is a great thing, but a reason to go to a school? Not so much. If you want to experience diversity or have your child do it, so they aren't a grumpy old racist like their grandparents, have them get a job, or walk around and say hi to people, but don't spend twenty grand a year so Johnny gets to see two guys kissing or someone of a darker or lighter skin pigment depending on what side of the color spectrum you sit on. What diversity really means in school is you or your kid may see a few demonstrations by some religious organizations that don't like abortion, the gay community that doesn't like the opposite sex, the black student union might do some educational lectures during February, and the College Republicans, well the College Republicans are basically the same people in the religious groups that don't like abortion but they're largely white males who read books by Rush Limbaugh and get scared anytime they see anything to do with the Black Student Union.

Finally I leave you with this. Parents, the truth is when your kid is picking out a school this is what they're doing. They're walking around on the tour with you and they're secretly scoping out a few things. First thing, the girl in front of them and you are to Dad so there's no problem there. Second thing, which dorm is going to offer the most opportunities to get intoxicated. Third, where they can smoke pot on campus. They'll seem interested and be impressed with the bio and chem. Labs but just take one minute and watch your child's face light up when they find out the school has a ceramics shop where they can craft their very own piece.

Now if your child is not doing 2 or 3 congratulations Mom and Dad you did a good job. Chances are your child is going to get a scholarship for some Ivy League school. They'll meet up with some hippies or jocks while they're there. If they meet up with the athletic crowd, which is unlikely I think they have special classes for the football team that involve color by number Harvard edition, they'll start going to parties and drinking. If they meet up with the hippie crowd which is more likely, they'll develop a hatred for Wal-Mart, despite their falling prices, and a love for the cannabis.

So the truth is let your child pick out the school on their own, because the next four years are set to reprogram your child with new morals, and a whole new belief structure based on Michael Moore films and some horrible documentary their professor put together. Have no fear though because once the four years of euphoria are over their newly found idealism and extreme liberalism will go out the window once they meet the real world.