Color Me Exhausted but Determined

Taking the quiz at colorquiz.com is always interesting. Sometimes it's scary and depressingly accurate.

The color quiz is a free five minute personality test. The test is used worldwide by government, industry and businesses. Unlike many other such sites, colorquiz.com does not request any personal information at all. Select the proper gender and the test begins.

Taking the test is a simple matter of looking at 8 color tiles and choosing which color makes you feel the best. Continue choosing until all tiles disappear.

Part two begins after a short pause. Again, the test is the same. Color tiles appear and best choice selected until none remain.

Then it's time for results. I know people who have taken this test and literally gotten page after page of results back. Each result section bears a label, with an answer or explanation inside the box.

Here's what happens when I take the test today.

Your Existing Situation: The fear of rebuff and extreme caution...

The fact that I have an afternoon appointment that could result in a horrific confrontation could have something to do with this result.

Your Stress Sources: The existing situation is disagreeable.

Amen.

Your Restrained Characteristics: The situation is preventing her (me) from establishing herself...feels trapped in a distressing situation and seeking some way of gaining relief.

Bullseye.

Your Desired Objective: Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace and affectionate understanding.

I'm inclined to believe this will happen when pigs fly.

Your Actual Problem: Disappointment & non-fulfillment of hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety.

I am very disappointed in a couple of people I really thought I could trust. The part about further setbacks is what gets me. Two hours ago, I finally figured out what was keeping me from taking the last step in achieving a very important goal - the fact that achieving that goal could cost me everything I was raised to believe in. Family. Happy Ever After. If I don't have the support of my family in this goal, I'll be forced to choose between what I consider the real me - the writer, and the robot that keeps everyone else happy. More useful commodity than person.

Actual Problem #2: Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation or demands on her resources. The feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape by relinquishing the struggle and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.

Hmm. Perhaps three years of taking care of others, including a head trauma survivor who was never expected to survive, the emergency delivery of a grandchild in distress, burying one friend and housing another that I truly thought might die before getting well enough to move out and the back breaking labor of an intensive mobile home remodel for a family of five living in space for a family of one could have something to do with total exhaustion.

Colorquiz didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. It did succinctly sum it all up. I don't feel agitated but I have resorted to sleeping with my meditation CD playing continuously.

I've taken colorquiz at various times of my life. The last time was probably a couple of weeks before everything went to heck in a handbasket. Last time I laughed at the results and cheerily printed them out.

This time, I'm using the results to help me formulate what happens next in my life. My nest is empty and barring all unforeseen accidents, should remain empty. My biggest concern is my actual problem #1.

I'm relieved to see it in black and white and was very relieved when I realized what was holding me back as the D-day clock counted down. Now I know.

I wasn't raised a martyr and I'm too old to pick up the habit now. I'll grab my dream and shape it. I'll revel in it. I'll celebrate it. The only question that remains to be answered is how many place settings there will be at the banquet table...